To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

Its a more permanent decision than marriage.

He can be fully committed to you and never ever want to put you through another pregnancy and yet also recognise that it is possible your relationship could fail in the future and he may then meet someone who wants children at that point.

That doesn’t mean he would leave you because he wants more children, but no one ever knows for sure that their relationship will last forever.

In your particular circumstances where getting pregnant again is a risk to your health, so whatever happens you will never want to get pregnant again, then getting your tubes tied might be a better option.

He's too young to commit to permanent infertility.

God forbid he might lose you early and want to go on and have more children. This happened to a friend of mine who did go on to have another child with new partner.

I don't think forcing this issue will work. Go together and get robust family planning options. It might be a longer term contraception implant would take that worry away for you.

If you use this as a reason to question marriage to him then I don't think you are in the right place to marry this man.

He should call the wedding off. 1 in 100 men get chronic pain with a vasectomy. It isn't risk free. You can't make him do it.

@crostini thank you. As I specified in my op YES we are 27 BUT we have had the necessary life experience to know what we want or do not want!!!!

Its not like I'm talking out of my arse. We are very well equipped and informed in terms of parent hood to know whether we want more.

Is he understanding that should you get pregnant you hold sole decion power on if the pregnancy continues or not?

If he is then YABU.

I didn't find having my tubes tied troublesome at all. I actually found the rest enjoyable.

If you are the spearhead behind the 1 child decision then I do think it should be on you to make that permanent change

Not ageist at all.

My friend had the snip because his fiancee didn't want any more kids. He was 27. She left him 3 years later. So there is him at 30, she went on to have more kids with her new partner, but he couldn't.

My ExH had the snip because i can't have more kids due to danger to my health. we divorced. He is quite happy with his snip.. i've had to go back to using contraception which i didn't want to but at 43 and perimenopausal, getting my tubes tied is a ball ache... wish i'd done it after i had DD 14 years ago.

Its all very well going 'we'll be together forever' but you might not.

If YOU don't want kids, you get sterilised, not your partner.

Its up to him but equally i think its perfectly reasonable and sensible not to marry someone you are not on the same page as with such big issues.

@ShellySarah and how many women suffer long term physical repercussions because of pregnancy and birth. Come off it.

I think you’re overthinking why he is saying no, my DH had a vasectomy in his 30s because him and his wife were done and it’s really a shame for us tbh. I think life is life, no one knows what the future will bring and he is so young. No one goes into marriage thinking it won’t last ( otherwise there is no point) but he might just be being realistic and giving his future options which I really don’t think is a bad thing as this age. You shouldn’t be dictating to him, would you get your tubes tied? More extreme but similar in principle. There are lots of long term contraception options. This isn’t the only one.

27 is perfectly old enough to know as a woman you're done.. i was very much done when i had number 2 at 27.

I was also medically done because drs told me no more <shrug>

27, bit young for him to do that. If pregnancy will make you so unwell, seems the better option is you get your tubes tied.

I also thought I was done, as did my now DH, but we both came from divorces, fell in love, got married and wanted a child of our own.

If he doesn't want to do it, then you have the option to do it.

No-one knows what the future holds and if I was a friend of your DP I'd advise him to to have a vasectomy at such a young age, nobody knows what the future holds.

A good friend of mine had one in his early 30s as he and his wife already had 2 and one had special needs. She cheated on him and then left him for said man and had a baby not long after. I genuinely think my friend has never gotten over it, especially as he met someone else who he would have liked children with.

If you are adamant you don't want anymore then you should have a procedure, you shouldn't be forcing your DP into it.

@ASCCM we got pregnant despite contraception so I really don't trust it. Originally I wanted NO children but here we are.

Either of you could fall under a bus or run off with the postperson tomorrow. If he leaves and you marry someone else then that won't change your health status so you're almost certainly not ever going to change your mind about having children. But if you died or left then it's entirely likely that he'd end up in a relationship with a woman who wanted children of her own, and finances permitting he might want to go along with that.

It does sound very much as if your perfectly reasonable mutual decision not to have more children is driven primarily by your specific health, and that's fine, but not all marriages last forever.

If it was me that didn’t want anymore children I wouldn’t expect my partner to have a vasectomy it is permanent and he is 27. You may have written yourself off but he doesn’t have to. He needs to have the freedom of his own decisions and you also need to stop this. You’re on contraception so you’re protected and your now withholding sex. I think If your that serious you go and go through the medical procedure and leave him well alone.

You are both very young. I say this as somebody in my early 30s, who after a hellish pregnancy, does not want to be pregnant again in the future. Neither of us want more childfen in the future as if currently stands.

Would it be easier if my DH had a vasectomy? Yes. Do I want to be on hormonal birth control? No, I have plenty of health issues that I attribute to birth control. Will I pressure him to get a vasectomy? Absolutely not. It's his body.
So we either come up with another plan or I suck it up and go on birth control.

27 is a very very young age to have a vasectomy and your DH is probably well aware of that. If he isn't certain on it he shouldn't do it. You'll find it hard to have a vasectomy under 30 on the NHS as well.

You really can't force that onto him.

If you do not want any more children why can't you get sterilised?

My goodness with this mentality I wonder why people even bother committing with people! We don't go about life thinking "oh well this may not last". When we agreed to marry its because we are adamant this is what we want forever. Otherwise what is the point of anything

My DH and I were already married when this came up. We have 1 DC and due to the effects on my body know we won't have any more.

I decided to be sterilised as I felt it was definitely my decision that I was never ever going to have any more children.

I hope that DH and I have a long and happy relationship- so far so good. But I also have close friends who are widows/widowers at our age, friends who's relationships did end in divorce.

If my life were to change dramatically I still wouldn't want another child, as my body physically couldn't take it. Mentally I'd want more, but I have made my peace with that.

I didn't think it was fair to force that on to DH as we both wanted more children, he wouldn't leave me to have more (11 years later he's still here) but life isn't always straightforward.

Given your health background, I'd definitely investigate whether you could get sterilisation on the NHS or privately. It's not as reliable as vasectomy so you might still want to double up on contraception, but given that you personally never want to get pregnant again, it's an appropriate choice.

If you are absolutely certain that you do not want to have any more children or go through another pregnancy then it is absolutely up to you to get the appropriate birth control for you.

Sure, maybe he is being completely honest that he doesn’t want to put you through another traumatic pregnancy and birth. But that does not mean that he should permanently prevent himself from fathering more children.

If, hopefully not, your relationship ended or if, hopefully not, you died; then he might meet someone else and want to have children with them.

You don’t have any right to take that away from him.

Now, if he was older, had more kids and was absolutely certain (100%) that he never wanted to have more children with or without you, then it would be reasonable for him to make that decision and have a vasectomy.

But, this is clearly not the case. Yabu.

This isn't about him keeping his options open. It's about the fact it's his body and his choice, and he's allowed to say no. Just as much as you are saying no to another pregnancy. An IUD is the most reliable form of contraceptive, can you look into that.

The information about long term pain after vasectomy is true (figures vary depending on what weight is given to which research study)

And that might be a reason why he is disinclined. Or there might be other reasons. And it's completely up to him because it's his body.

Yes, women suffer birth injuries. But that doesn't over-ride the principle of your body your choice. It's just as wrong for you to think "his body, my choice" as it would be for him to try to impose "her body, my choice"

Call off the wedding by all means. But if you think surgery to remover fertility is the best option, the only person you can choose to have it done is yourself.

Personally OP in your situation I think you should have your tubes tied. You are certain you don't want any more children with this man or any others in the future. That is your decision. So who is 'sterilised' (I hate that word), basing it on your preferences, should be you.
It's day surgery done via keyhole.
If you aren't sure about that either then you need to come up with an alternative plan whilst you both decide the best course of action going forward.