To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

Because some of us know someone who was widowed young. Or who have lost their only child. Circumstances change, shit happens, even if both parties are committed “forever” doesn’t always happen. I’m not surprised that pretty soon after DC1, young (in fertility terms), and with no medical reason on his side not to have more, he’s a bit hesitant.

You’re coming across as naive and a bit childish here OP. Why can’t you get long acting contraception (mirena coil for example) and revisit sterilisation down the road?

He’ll struggle to find anywhere that will perform a vasectomy at 27

Yabu to force someone to have a medical procedure.

Leave for any reason you want but you sound like you’d benefit from talking to someone about your experience.

But you’re already talking about calling it all off and you’re not even married yet. It’s not the surest union I’ve ever heard of.

Sorry to be harsh but I think you’re in the wrong here and he’s much too young. Plenty of us use contraception after our families are complete, I get you have heath concerns but there are ways of being extra careful.

You’re saying he’s on the fence about it because he won’t get a vasectomy. But you won’t get sterilised, so that must make you on the fence too.

This!

You are being unreasonable to ask him to make changes to his body when he is not comfortable with it. I am very much with his body, his choice!

You are not being unreasonable to call the wedding off for any reason but as one of the PPs said it would be very unreasonable of you if you are guilt tripping him into getting it done.

You should get the procedure done if another pregnancy is a big risk to your health.

How do you get your tubes tied though? I've been rejected twice at the doctors and told i may as well give up. Now looking at private but costs 3k so not within reach for most.

What were their conditions for rejecting it?
You are more likely to be successful in your request if you have had a complicated pregnancy (and future pregnancies also come with risks), have women's health issues or other health issues, already have multiple children, and are over 35. However, you can ask for one at any age and can continue to ask for one. My friend who is 29 has just had hers done.

Yes.

Do not proceed with marriage. The back-peddling would put me off.

How is it that you are homeless? Best wishes that things turn around soon.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want to ensure that you are both on the same page about this issue before marrying him.

Yes, it's his body, his choice and all that and you obviously can't force or pressure him into getting a procedure done that he doesn't want or feel comfortable with, but you're not wrong for thinking his unwillingness to consider it an option raises questions about what he truly wants.

There is absolutely no point in getting married to someone if you suspect that down the line, your wants will completely diverge from each other and it will become untenable as a marriage. Which it will, if he decides that he does want more kids.

A lot of PP's are focusing on the wrong aspect of your post, I think. The real issue lies not with the refusal to get a vasectomy-but with the fact that you suspect that his statements that he doesn't want anymore children may not actually be true.

If it was me, and I was due to marry someone who was saying they wanted the same things as me, but their actions were hinting at something different (or keeping options open), I, too, would rethink if that person was someone I should commit myself to in such a way.

From your OP, it seems like his lack of desire to have more kids stems from him not wanting to put you through that again, which is understandable and totally get why don't want more, but if that's what it is-it may not be that he, himself, doesn't want more. Maybe reading into that a bit much-but that's what shot out at me.

If you're not on the same page, then it's a no-go.

I think you are missing the point. He's agreeing he doesn't want anymore children with YOU.

What if you divorced or die? Is he to never have to option in future life?

Then call off the wedding.

But don't try and blackmail him into doing something he doesn't want.

As a PP said, it a man came on here and said the same thing about a women there would be utter outrage.

Yeah so did I, isn't that another reason why it's easier for men if they change their mind?

I would not marry this man. He is already thinking of a possible future without you.
To have children ( or more children) or not is a huge issue and in my experience a marriage won’t survive it.

@Boozlebammed I'm not forcing anyone. He said he agreed he doesn't want more kids. He agreed to researching into getting a vasectomy. He agreed its something HE could do for us and to reassure me mentally and physically. He also has a responsibility to not inflict pregnancy onto me as much as I do. Its not all on me as the woman.

I don't want to commit myself into a relationship that is doomed to fail because he is unsure now. I agreed to the engagement thinking we was both on the same page here. He is suddenly backtracking. YES it's his choice but I feel abit blindsided and now am questioning the point of our relationship when I can't give him another child

They won't tie tubes at that age, has to be over 30

YABVU - it's his body - you can't force him to have a vasectomy - if you want to be sure no more kids then you can get sterilised

You have no idea what will happen further down the line. What if you split up, what if, god forbid, you die and he then decides he would like another child?

I'm not sure it would be that simple anyway, on the NHS. My partner and I have 4 kids and, at 29, doctors keep saying he is "too young" and they won't consider it yet. Obviously if you are paying private that's different.

It's unreasonable for you to try to control a decision about a physical procedure he would undergo. You aren't respecting his body autonomy. Making you marriage dependant on him acquiescing to you making a decision about his body is unreasonable.

So many variables that 27 feels too young to make this permanent choice. (Warning - morbid content).

You could run off with the milkman or die while he's still young enough to have another LTR with the potential for children.

Your circumstances re health, finances etc. could change drastically.

He could leave you, without having any intention now or doubts about your relationship. Even at 47, 20 years from now, he'd be young enough to be a father again. No one can look 20 years into the future.

I'm sorry about the effects of pregnancy on your health but the way you speak about your body makes me feel so sad. Depending on how old your baby is, you have lots of potential to get strong again ❤️

If you don't want to get married, then don't get married - but by pushing this you are likely to push him away

Your body has been used and damaged to create his children, of course he should get a vesectomy. Plus it's reversible.
From many comments on here you'd think he'd borne the fucking child. If you're in a partnership, you do what's best for your unit/family. He sounds like he gets the good bits and none of the hard painful stuff. Totally unfair

YABU
Dh is 29 and getting a vasectomy as we have 2 kids and he 100% doesn't want anymore
I'm still open to the idea
We obviously won't be having them together but you don't know what happens in life and as he'd the one who is 100% no he said he'll do it.

What if you died the day after the snip? Your DP wouldn't have anymore children with anyone regardless of what he wants.

You don't want anymore, you have the surgery!

If my husband died I would see myself marrying again. I don't want to divorce him, it's not in my plans, but I can still accept that it is a (hopefully remote) possibility. I don't think either of those statements would mean that my husband shouldn't have married me as I was too interested in "keeping my options open".

If I was 27 and had one child with my husband, and didn't want or plan to have another, I still wouldn't want to become sterile because of the potential change in heart I might feel in either of the above (hopefully very unlikely) scenarios. I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

If he has a vasectomy, children aren't in his future, but they could still be in yours. Does that mean you are keeping your options open? If you are the one who would not want to have further children in any possible scenario, then it makes sense that you are the one who pursues sterilisation. Being realistic about the possibility that marriages do sometimes end, doesn't indicate a lack of commitment to marriage.

You can’t force him to change his body. Either you get your tubes tied or use other methods of contraception. If you’re not happy with that then don’t marry him.

It’s simple. It doesn’t really matter whether he is being reasonable or unreasonable - you will have to decide how to respond to that.

You are allowed to call the wedding off for any reason you want OP.

Your partner is allowed to change his mind, especially when faced with a very big permanent (reversal isn't guaranteed success) decision. You could die tomorrow, do you really want this aspect of his life decided forever, which would likely affect him very much. I'm happily married for 20 years plus btw, we were done with kids by 30, but still no vasectomy happening here, its my husbands choice. I haven't had my tubes tied either, that's my choice.

I would suggest trying to see his point of view, and focusing your energy into looking at your anxiety about contraception failure- how did you get pregnant before? Could you try the coil and condoms for now, and work on being happy with that? I totally get this btw, I got pregnant on the pill, had a horrendous pregnancy and birth, and the anxiety of getting pregnant again was very real for quite some time. That's without the additional stresses you have around your housing situation (which I hope is resolved soon).

I think your position is so unreasonable. He has said he doesn't want future children because of the impact on you - what if you then leave him, he would have lost the chance of another child with a future partner?! And I think the attitude of 'but if we're getting married we should assume it's forever' is just childish, frankly - we're adults here, we all well know that is often not the case