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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad about lack of attention as I age?

256 replies

DogDaysArentOver · 12/10/2023 11:37

Hi,

I think this is probably quite a 'normal' feeling, but I do kind of judge myself for caring so much.

I'm 40 next year, so a bit of a milestone, but I know I'm not old. However, I used to get quite a lot of attention, which tbh I didn't always like. In fact, most of the time it would make me feel uncomfortable, but there's a difference between being leered at, wolf whistled etc and just that second or third glance.

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman. I mean, I think I look alright and dare I say, good for my age, but as soon as I stopped looking really young and full of collagen, I basically turned into a ghost.

So, aibu by caring so much? Does anyone relate?...

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 12/10/2023 11:41

I understand, but at 51 I have another way to look at it. Think of it as freedom!

I am a late bloomer so only achieved career success after 40. I get attention now but it's for what I do rather than what I look like.

Hbh17 · 12/10/2023 11:44

Blimey, no! Being invisible is flipping fantastic - and you no longer care what other people think.

Ninjasan · 12/10/2023 11:47

I am 46. I remember first time it started I was about 38. It's strange to be invisible first and it does affect your self confidence but after few years I love it.It gives you strange feel of freedom (sorry not sure how to explain it).
I feel great now not caring about men's opinion and that gives me power to just say what I want (that might be also my peri menopausal general anger :)). The surprise in men's eyes that I actually exist and have an opinion is priceless. I get really surprised now when a man tries to flirt with me. I wear what I want and started going to the gym more just for myself and it's great.

grennery · 12/10/2023 11:51

I'm also nearly 40, but unfortunately the interest hasn't stopped yet. Yesterday someone tried to hand me a rose (not selling!). Though I look forward to being invisible as I've been on the other side where I've been stalked and followed, and recently and other harassment from men. I find it unwelcome.

Though friends in their 40s and 50s say it never properly stops (the male gaze that is particularly) as the age of the interested men just rises. I Hope that's not the case.

Hillarious · 12/10/2023 11:57

As a brunette, I remember when I was younger walking down a busy road in London with a colleague, similar age, but who was blonde. The number of heads that turned, because of her, was really noticeable, and actually quite ghastly. It's nice to have been invisible in that respect for ever!

Original poster
DogDaysArentOver · 12/10/2023 12:28

@Hbh17 Bah! I wish I had your mind set!

@grennery I get what you're saying. Being followed/stalked is incredibly sinister and feels absolutely horrible, but I never really attached that to my level of attractiness, more their level of creepiness. It's the looking through you, that I find quite depressing.

I am still occasionally told I'm very attractive, but I think most people (mostly men, let's be honest) are initially drawn to youth/the most fertile. I honestly do think it's more about looking young specifically, than attractive.

OP posts:
grennery · 12/10/2023 12:32

I think blonde hair definitely attracts more unwanted attention, even women have been known to stare! @Hillarious

Mine has always been waist length which doesn't help, but it's the same even when fastened back in a low ponytail. I can't have it up for long periods, in a bun or similar, as my scalp starts to ache with the weight. At low points I've thought about cutting it to blend in, but don't see why I should.

grennery · 12/10/2023 12:43

I honestly do think it's more about looking young specifically, than attractive.

Young and attractive I think, not just young. Though I look forward to the invisibility stage. I can imagine as a pp said, that it is quite freeing.

Yes, I've posted before about the stalking and following. Two instances relatively recently too. It was very unpleasant.

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 12/10/2023 12:47

Up to being about 50, I always attracted a lot of attention (high heels, make-up, nice clothes, large bust). None of it was welcomed. Now, aged 64 - I still do my make-up (only ever done that for myself), am very overweight. Never get a look from anyone, and it's good.

YouJustDoYou · 12/10/2023 12:51

I remember my first "attention/notice" experience was when I was 11. A man asked me to come suck his boner. It went on from there, including sexual assaults, vile name slurs when I wouldn't smile for them when they noticed me/asked me out etc, all the way up until maybe 28 or so when I was starting to get a little tired-looking from life. I've not had one single "side look" or glance in over 12 years, and the invisibility is just wonderful.

NameAU1 · 12/10/2023 12:53

Well, just be happy that you at least had it at.
Did you manage to catch a man before it went?
I’ve always been ugly, so I don’t have to worry about loosing my looks or lack of attention, it’s been my life always, sadly it meant no one wanted to date me, so I will luve and die alone.
I think wlmen who are glad to be invisible only say that because thanks to their looks, they got love,partner,kids. Had they been invisible all their lives, they wouldn’t be so happy.

GreyTS · 12/10/2023 12:59

Honestly if it bothers you then do something about it. I get way more attention in my 40's than anytime since my 20's. In my 30's I was dragged down with babies and children etc by my 40's I finally had time to spend on myself. Never any money mind, I went from a financially abusive husband to being a broke single mother. But walking and running is free. Weights to use at home don't cost much and workout videos are free on things like YouTube. All my skincare, makeup and clothes comes from budget brands but I make a serious amount of effort. Not necessarily because I'm looking for attention but fuck being invisible.

sandgrown · 12/10/2023 13:00

I think it’s a phase. I remember feeling invisible in my 50s but in my 60s I changed hair colour to blend in the grey and got a more public facing job. Unbelievably I now get lots of men having a little banter with me . It’s enough to be noticed as I am not looking for a partner. It’s just good for my self esteem.

Usernamen · 12/10/2023 13:07

I worry about this a bit. I’m mid-30s and thrive on male attention (if the male is attractive of course!). I don’t feel ashamed to say it gives me a boost and can make my day, I am a red-blooded heterosexual woman after all!

I suspect when it stops happening over the next few years I will really miss it, but I wouldn’t do anything drastic to keep it, like get plastic surgery or whatever.

Echobelly · 12/10/2023 13:08

YABU but it's not really your fault. Women have been sooo conditioned for millennia that our only value is what we're worth to men, and that what we're worth to men is how we look so understandably it feels depressing to lose that, even though it doesn't actually matter.

Beamur · 12/10/2023 13:09

No I don't relate.

grennery · 12/10/2023 13:10

@NameAU1 I'm single now and going through divorce (abusive, controlling ex). No good ever really came of male attention and it made me insecure about why people wanted to be with me. The stalking has been unpleasant but even the flower incident yesterday irritated me.

I have even thought about changing my appearance in the past, like cutting my hair, but I don't wear much make up or anything like that. Age will put paid to it all I suppose and I look forward to that aspect of ageing at least.

Friends have tried to persuade me to date again, but I'm happy to remain single.

verdantverdure · 12/10/2023 13:13

I was sick of unwanted male attention by the time I was about 12 so I can't wait to be invisible. (I'm 44 it can't be long now.)

LaurieStrode · 12/10/2023 13:15

I'm 60, used to be cute/pretty, now so invisible that I honestly think I could rob a bank in broad daylight and no one would notice.

It's depressing and it's only downhill from here. Sigh.

YearOfTheRear · 12/10/2023 13:16

Honestly I must be so ugly 😂

I'm 34 and have never really been given much attention. I've never been wolf whistled at. I've had 5 medium-long relationships so I can't be that repulsive, but threads like this fascinate me. I'm not even overweight or anything. I feel a little bit sad that I seem to have missed out!

CasaAmarela · 12/10/2023 13:16

I think this is very natural. I'm nearly 33 and I do worry about getting older and not getting any attention but then when men actually do hit on me I think ffs go away 😂But this may be something to do with the fact that I mainly get hit on by drunks on the train.

Original poster
DogDaysArentOver · 12/10/2023 13:22

@NameAU1 did I manage to catch a man? .... Well I set up my snare, but I must have used a different bait this time, as I caught a woman! 😂🤷‍♀️ As a bisexual, I miss attention from everyone! 😂 I've always preferred female attention though, as it feels more real and less....creepy.

OP posts:
IdaPolly · 12/10/2023 13:22

I was quite plain when young so tended to get insults mainly. I had a brief period in my late twenties of getting positive attention. Must have been my peak. I haven't had attention for my appearance for years, which obviously I'm pleased about as its a lot better than insults. I get people saying positive things about me as a person and have people that are keen to be friends. Plus my daughters say nice things. I especially value that as I had a crap relationship with my mum who was a bully

verdantverdure · 12/10/2023 13:23

YearOfTheRear · 12/10/2023 13:16

Honestly I must be so ugly 😂

I'm 34 and have never really been given much attention. I've never been wolf whistled at. I've had 5 medium-long relationships so I can't be that repulsive, but threads like this fascinate me. I'm not even overweight or anything. I feel a little bit sad that I seem to have missed out!

I don't think it's to do with being ugly.

A relative of mine still gets chatted up and flirted with all the time and she's in her 50s and chubby with specs, and has never dressed sexily to my knowledge.

But she is also confident, smiley and chatty and open and she meets people's gaze and I think it's more to do with that.

grennery · 12/10/2023 13:28

I've always thought the same about women funnily enough @DogDaysArentOver

Even when I found a friend, years ago now, (she's still a friend and happily married to a woman) sitting on my bed watching me sleep while we were sharing a room. I think they also don't present the same physical threat.