To be sad about lack of attention as I age?

[DogDaysArentOver]

Hi,

I think this is probably quite a 'normal' feeling, but I do kind of judge myself for caring so much.

I'm 40 next year, so a bit of a milestone, but I know I'm not old. However, I used to get quite a lot of attention, which tbh I didn't always like. In fact, most of the time it would make me feel uncomfortable, but there's a difference between being leered at, wolf whistled etc and just that second or third glance.

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman. I mean, I think I look alright and dare I say, good for my age, but as soon as I stopped looking really young and full of collagen, I basically turned into a ghost.

So, aibu by caring so much? Does anyone relate?...

Agree. It's very rare for me now days but it happened in a coffee shop a few weeks back when I was served - it was made very clear me - and my reaction was to avoid the shop as I get embarrassed. In someways when I've finally completely 'faded' I'll feel free.

Is this just about sexual attention?

I don’t feel remotely invisible generally (professional, early 40s and can come across as a bit of a battle axe when I want to). Pervy glances are very rare if you exclude my married boss (who has a great built-in form of contraception ie his personality).

I was always overweight and got zero attention so it's nothing new for me.

I do not miss being young and beautiful until I see the young and beautiful! Then I think, oh to be young and beautiful! But I don't miss the leering and comments.
Sometimes I'll notice a young and handsome man though and reminisce about when my old man used to be like that!

oh, I miss YOUTH!! I miss not hurting all over, I miss being able to get up in the morning and go straight out and not look like I have escaped from somewhere, I miss feeling energetic and enthusiastic, curious and impressed

There's voting?

Oh I'm using the app as I'm not at home. I can't see any polls or voting.

I’ve just turned 49 and get the odd glance and am very occasionally chatted up, but obviously it’s much rarer than previously.

I suppose it’s a compliment, but then I think of the attention my DD (18) gets and I’m so glad it’s all over for me. -and that she’s now old enough to handle it.

It started at 12 for her and she was quite frightened at times, now she’s perfected a withering look if someone’s annoying her and has no problem telling people to piss off if necessary.

I wish I was beautiful, or charismatic, or attractive in any way. I bet its brilliant.

Lol im exactly the same

Never had men leering over me, sounds like we've had a lucky escape though

Yes I feel the same.

I was recently waiting to be served at the counter in a cafe. The young adults working there completely ignored me. A man walked in, walked up to the counter and the server immediately came over to serve the man (not me) and the man hadn’t noticed I was there either so proceeded to order his coffee.

I had to say “hello, I’ve been waiting here for five minutes”

I felt completely and utterly invisible

I’m 41 and used to be considered quite attractive!

I've never attracted that much in the way of 'attention' or second glances from random strangers, that I noticed. Some, but not a lot. I've always been at least average-looking, and I was slim enough until my mid-30s, but I'm not blonde and have never been particularly interested in hair, make-up, and fashion. Clean and presentable, but not flashy. Rather quiet and bookish, instead, and I've worn glasses most of my life, which is likely a huge turn-off in the leering type. 🤓🙄

I suppose you can't miss what you've never had! Anyway, I'm happy with DH and don't expect I'll care to try attracting a new partner, if I outlive him. I get enough of an ego-boost from other areas of my life, fortunately.

I was pretty in my teens/20s with a decent figure. I get less obvious interest from men now (late 40s) but I do get compliments from female friends & my daughter on my outfits/appearance so I get a boost from that. To me that’s the part that’s nice, knowing that people think I look good, rather than people finding me sexually appealing!

In my head I still worry men may be interested in me when they talk to me but in all reality a lot of the lads at work probably see me as safe to talk to as I’m old enough to be their mum! But in my head I’m still the same young headturner I once was 😆

I'm 35 and would say iv experienced a mix of getting attention and not getting attention over the years. Iv experienced feeling like the 'ugly' one compared to friends and iv also experienced feeling like the wanted one but most attention iv received has been unwanted to be honest. I have a nearly 1 year old but I am starting to feel more like me and attractive in myself again after putting in months of hard work to lose the baby weight and get stronger and fitter again. I can say though that even though I do feel good for my age and the changes to my body like thinning hair etc, I'm really not bothered about getting attention. The main thing to me is that I feel good and confident in myself and if some nice guy or girl offers me a compliment it's lovely but it's not the be all and end all!

OP I totally totally get you. You'll get lots of people saying you can still get the attention of you dress well or make an effort etc but in my mind it just isn't the same.
I was a really shy child, lacking in confidence, but suddenly became pretty in my teens. I used to walk into a bar and all the heads would turn and regularly catch people staring at me and then pretend to look away (both men and women).
As I got older I still got some attention but it wasn't the same.
I really noticed it change after having my first baby, I suddenly realised when I walked down the street noone really noticed, and I was far more anonymous. I was still in good shape and only early 30s but I'd lost that wow factor of youth.

Anyway, there are definitely perks to that, I can just go about my business without worrying about how I look or what I wear, but I do think it was a big part of my identity and it has been hard to say goodbye to that.

I feel the same about these threads Rear, although my social skills are terrible and I was pretty naive when young too, so I've realised that anyone subtly flirting or trying it on would have probably gone over my head!

My exact experience 😂but I don't mind admitting it, it's better then saying men fall off their ladders when I walk by ( I wouldn't bloody notice)

I'm 56 and I still get attention. It's just that the quality of the people checking me out has declined 😑

Depressing to think it might never stop! I was looking forward to invisibility.

To be fair those are the people who are blatant about checking you out, there are probably others you haven't noticed.

I'm 44 and i love the lack of attention.

Another one who's never really had much attention, and like some of the other posters, I would have been pleased to have felt more desirable. I am fat and my face is unpleasing to look at with coarse features, so I've not had the experience of turning heads, sadly.

I’m 45 and still get it, although less than before. Bizarrely, I got cat-called last year when walking with my 5-year old and felt shouting back “I’m a middle-aged and tired mom!”

I’m tall, slim, have long brown hair always in a baseball cap, and I live in yoga/athletic clothing.

I got it a lot when I was young and I was very naive. My math tutor (almost 15 year age gap) asking my mom if he could date me at 16, being followed, being asked to “model” on numerous occasions, being leered at at social events.

Am happy to have more freedom now.

I must have a face like a slapped arse as I've never had any male attention. I honestly have no idea what you're all talking about 🤷🏼‍♀️

I can't decide whether I miss it or not. I was a bit of a head turner in my 20s and 30s but now 45, 2 DC, insomniac and generally just look tired and unkempt. If I make an effort with make up etc I look 'all right' but not head-turning. I both miss it and feel liberated at the same time.

Yeah I get it and it does bother me but I wish it didn't.
I did have a couple of blokes chatting to me when I was out last week. I'm in a happy relationship and wouldn't have done anything but did enjoy a bit of flirting.