To be sad about lack of attention as I age?

[DogDaysArentOver]

Hi,

I think this is probably quite a 'normal' feeling, but I do kind of judge myself for caring so much.

I'm 40 next year, so a bit of a milestone, but I know I'm not old. However, I used to get quite a lot of attention, which tbh I didn't always like. In fact, most of the time it would make me feel uncomfortable, but there's a difference between being leered at, wolf whistled etc and just that second or third glance.

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman. I mean, I think I look alright and dare I say, good for my age, but as soon as I stopped looking really young and full of collagen, I basically turned into a ghost.

So, aibu by caring so much? Does anyone relate?...

It's of course totally ok and understandable to find it liberating to be free of male attention.

The 'cool girl' bit is about the posters are the posters acting shocked or confused, or saying op is unreasonable when in our society so much importance is still given to male views of attractiveness, which affect our ability to get jobs or be trusted in a jury trial as much as to get a second glance in the street. The emotional impact of changing looks can show up as sadness, or anger at society for still seeing it as important, just as much as relief and liberation.

This is even more so if you're from a more traditional background, or for example in a role that's customer facing or in sales where being less attractive can have a very meaningful impact on your career and income.

doesn't mean op should run out to get plastic surgery, just that people shouldn't be rushing to vote YABU.

Yes I feel exactly the same 😔

I can relate sooo badly!! I actually think I might end up needing therapy for ageing and becoming invisible to men (amongst a load of other things) I do still get attention now (36, had my first (and last) baby last year) but I doubt it’ll last much longer.

I envy women who don’t need that boost, but I do. I can’t imagine not. I do love DH but the thought of no other man looking at or appreciating me apart from him forever more is bloody depressing.

I do put a lot to effort into my appearance and plan to continue to do so!

I can't relate to a lot on this thread at all.
Unwanted attention or lack of attention hasn't ever been a concern for me and I don't think it's changed as I've got older.
I'm just getting on, trying to look after myself at 53.
I am not looking for a relationship (am divorced), so maybe my radar is turned off and I'm just not noticing attention or lack of.

I care about looking professional, appropriate, and as if I possibly have a little bit of style.

I do care what other women think of how I'm turned out.

But random men?

I'd rather they didn't think of me at all.

@KeepTheTempo I was actually going to say, I wonder how many of those YABU votes are from people who genuinely think I'm being unreasonable and those who actually feel the same, but wish they didn't.

I never attracted attention! Now I attract over 70s and patients with dementia so there's that!! I'm 40 also!

I'm a bit younger than you but became invisible a few years ago when I put on weight. I love it. I never got loads of attention to begin with but get absolutely zero now!

I don't feel that way. I'm 51. I got my fair share of attention when younger, and although I quite liked it then, I honestly don't remotely miss it now. It's not that I think 'It was awful - thank god for middle-aged invisibility!' It's just not something that's on my radar or that I expect or want any more. I don't look at other people that way either. I'm happily married, but I don't think that's really got anything to do with it.

Blimey, no! Being invisible is flipping fantastic - and you no longer care what other people think.

Completely agree

One of the reasons I like being invisible is that I often travel solo in countries that are not always safe for women. Now I am "aunty age" and can just walk about unnoticed.

If it helps, OP, I'm an absolute munter and have never had that 'second or third glance' you talk of. I guess I'm not feeling too bad about ageing because I've always been invisible at best (laughed at, at worst).

I became invisible at roughly 44. It was weird for about a year as I adjusted but then I loved it and still love it.

I’m very happy to no longer get male attention in the street. I love my clothes and make an effort to look stylish and often get stopped in the street by other women - I find this far more gratifying and enjoyable than being leered at by men.

Exact same, I'm 33 and apart from a few wild years in my early 20's when I was a total party girl, I've never been someone that people fancy. It used to bother me but I've made peace with it now I'd much rather be recognised for my skills at work/how funny I am, and thrive on love within my family, rather than be oggled by men.

The problem is that girls are (or were? Hopefully were) programmed from a very young age to put a lot of value on what men think of us. So when you don't get that attention you feel you're failing or missing out. But honestly it's just insignificant to me now, it really means nothing in the grand scheme of things.

You’re not alone. I’m 33 and never get any of this, I’m not worried I look really old and haggard 😳

Maybe those of us who get a bit pestered look more "available" somehow to Dum as rando men?

How?

I got no attention in my 30s because I was fat.

I get plenty now that I'm not, at 42.

This is how I feel since I started to wear hijab.

I will only get stares if I go into a very white area but day to day I'm free and just go about my business.

why would you think that?🤷🏼‍♀️

I definitely still get glances and double looks, I’m 43 and I 100% do not look my best at the moment due to weight gain and sleep problems but I do scrub up ok.

I had quite a bit of eye contact with an attractive man yesterday in fact! I did look nice though as I had an appointment and had a trendy outfit on and styled hair etc.

What I would say is that I don’t get attention from much younger men now, in my mid 30s I would still get approached by men in their early 20s upwards. Now it really is like I’m invisible and that of course is fine - I’m not looking to pull a young lad!

I dunno, I don’t really care. Yes it’s nice to feel attractive in ourselves but then I also go out 6/7 days looking like a charity shop reduced bin in human form. So I definitely do not rely on external validation because I could honestly scare young children some days

I am still occasionally told I'm very attractive, but I think most people (mostly men, let's be honest) are initially drawn to youth/the most fertile. I honestly do think it's more about looking young specifically, than attractive

The type of men that ‘look at/leer’ at women because they’re really young aren’t doing it so much anymore? Think yourself lucky perhaps?

I went out for an evening with an incredibly good looking girl from work and honestly it was awful. We had literally dozens of ‘men’ over the evening come up to us to chat / comment/ catcall/ perve. I’d never felt more grateful that I didn’t have the type of looks that would attract this type of cunt. Gross.

I was actually going to say, I wonder how many of those YABU votes are from people who genuinely think I'm being unreasonable and those who actually feel the same, but wish they didn't

Yeah it doesn’t work like that. People disagree with you. You don’t get to decide they’re all lying to themselves.

I'm 45 next month and I'm still gorgeous and get lots of attention. I can't say I'll be bothered when it stops as it's just life op.