To be sad about lack of attention as I age?

[DogDaysArentOver]

Hi,

I think this is probably quite a 'normal' feeling, but I do kind of judge myself for caring so much.

I'm 40 next year, so a bit of a milestone, but I know I'm not old. However, I used to get quite a lot of attention, which tbh I didn't always like. In fact, most of the time it would make me feel uncomfortable, but there's a difference between being leered at, wolf whistled etc and just that second or third glance.

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman. I mean, I think I look alright and dare I say, good for my age, but as soon as I stopped looking really young and full of collagen, I basically turned into a ghost.

So, aibu by caring so much? Does anyone relate?...

I can't get worried about not being noticed in a superficial way

I'm very happy to be 'invisible' I think I look great and so does DH and that is all I care about. I prefer to be noticed for other aspects of myself than my looks now. I always hated being looked at in that way - it made me incredibly uneasy.

Last year a good friend and I were out and bumped into some male acquaintances from our teens/20s. My friend is still incredibly beautiful and puts a lot of effort into her appearance. All the men were swarming around here and ignoring me even though we are both equally interesting, intelligent and witty women. I wasn't upset as I am pretty secure in myself but I did find it incredibly pathetic on their part (especially as they are all happily married with kids). I did spend a long time talking to one of the men who I knew briefly as a teen and he was incredibly kind and attentive and actually I could actually have a conversation with him. One of the men who I had known well when younger spent hours gushing over my friend and ignored pretty much everything I said.

So yeah I am happy to not be looked at in that way anymore!

This thread is why us men struggle in the 21st century. The op said she didn't like attention from men, then moans that we don't pay any.

What does a man do, if I look I'm a sick pervert, if I don't I'm rude and uncaring.

Tonight I had tea in spoons, I dressed in trousers, a sports jacket, waistcoat, shirt, gold watch chain, cuff links, decent aftershave, not one woman paid me attention. I'm 55 and not good looking, never have been. Yet there was a woman late 60's well dresses, very attractive, I smiled in passing, you would have thought I'd pissed on her foot.

So now explain to me what is going on?

Tiny violins ....

😂

In passing in a pub environment a smile might not be out of place. It's ogling in general public places, or people approaching you, that to me is the problem.

Is there no fucking corner of MN that men will not infiltrate to explain what difficult lives they lead? With their gold watch chains and all, we should all be driven crazy with lust.

So now explain to me what is going on?

The OP said that she disliked being leered at and wolf-whistled, not the odd appreciative or interested glance.

What is 'going on' is that, like men, women are individuals. They like different things and have different expectations. But also, many women no longer feel they have to just put up with disrespectful behaviour from men, and being treated like sex objects. The woman you smiled at didn't respond as you would have liked. Maybe she was in a bad mood. Maybe she didn't like the way you smiled at her. Who knows? I'm sure you'll get over it. Not all women react the same way. Why would they?

That you (general you) need to to find love and if you find it’s that’s amazing?
And to be happy with your lot?
Or what?

@NameAU1 you seem to assume that's what everyone wants. It's not just married people/ people in a relationship that don't want creepy attention/ harrassment from men. Many women are resolute to stay single and are very happy. There are also many single women who would like a relationship but still don't want this kind of superficial, leering attention from total strangers: the former has little relevance to the latter.

I think you are projecting. I am sorry you feel so bad about yourself though and are so unhappy. You value isn't in how you look and I hope you find some confidence in yourself and a life you are happy with, whatever that is for you as it is so different for different people.

For those saying it's just women being conditioned for the male gaze, how do you explain male midlife crises where they go off with any other woman that shows them attention? Men are just as likely to not want to feel invisble to women. It's human nature to want to be found desirable, both men and women, it's how we survive.

Is it? I think that's quite sad, to need validation from total strangers to be happy. I agree with you that many people clearly do feel that way but I don't think it's innate to the human condition at all. It is a sign of some deep seated insecurities or other aspects of fulfilment in life or self-worth being missing to feel that strangers' opinions about how you look are important enough to matter much.

🤣🤣🤣

There's always a bit of a 'cool girl' edge to these threads when people say that no, it's brilliant.

This kind of response really needs to die a death. Disagreeing with someone does not equal 'trying to be cool'.

I've never got attention. I spent my whole teens wearing braces for the buckiest buck teeth you ever saw, and I've never been the flirty type. My first boyfriend became my husband, and it never occurred to me to want/notice/strive for admiring glances from anyone else. So I've never looked for it and never missed it. I suspect I'd have found it disconcerting.

The only invisibility that I dislike, is the ageist 'you're not significant so I can ignore your presence' type of invisibility, and I fight that hard.

I’ve only recently noticed that men don’t look at me as much anymore, and I’m 10 years older than you.

I’ve noticed it’s a weight thing with me. When I’m 9-10 stone, men stare at me. Whenever I go above 11.5 stone, it stops. Dead.

I don't really care very much. Like quite a few other posters on here, from the age of about 13 or 14 right up to my early 40s, I got all kinds of unwanted, uninvited, and actually sometimes quite horrible attention from men ... Smile, darling. All right, Blondie. Give us a kiss. Give us a blow job. Small low level harassment right through to downright nasty sexual harassment, sexual assault. and worse.

Also got hit on a lot - especially in my late teens and twenties - mostly from men 40+ - even with an engagement ring on, and a wedding ring on. Bosses and managers hounding me even when I was married, saying 'wot he don't know won't hurt him! ' And men in the pub groped me, and letched, and called me an ugly fat cunt who should be grateful for the attention. (when I was 9 stone.) because I said no to their advances...

I was glad to hit middle age to be honest with you. I gained 3 stone in my 40s, and am now 'cuddly.' (Size 16.) and am not really harassed anymore. It is quite liberating. On the other hand, being a chubz on the wrong side of 50 I do get men. (I'd say between mid 40s to about 62,) who look at me like I'm something they just stepped in. They walk over me to get to the till before me, they slam doors in my face, and they give me a dirty look if I even attempt to acknowledge them, as if to say 'why would I wanna speak to YOU?'

Conversely, men who are younger - (like less than 40) and men who are older - so probably 65+, are really nice and polite and courteous toward me. But that generation (middle aged men) are really fucking rude ... I suppose they don't want to be too polite. They don't want me thinking that they fancy me. 😱

I think they just really want women probably under 35. They are absolutely deluded because most young attractive women in their 20s and early 30s are not going to be looking at a 50 year old man with a paunch, a balding head, bad teeth and bad breath, slouching shoulders, and bad fashion taste ... They think they deserve attractive young women 20-25 years younger, but seriously they're not going to get them!

I do not crave attention in the way you describe at all so I can't relate

I'm 50 next year. It doesn't feel real.
Anyway, I have, throughout my 20s. 30s and even 40s, been told that I am attractive. Only believed it on the rare occasion that I thought 'I'll do" myself.

Now, the "I'll do" occasions are few and far between. Because I'm comparing myself to younger, prettier, slimmer women. It does nothing for my self-esteem.

I have never questioned my kindness or intelligence, so why do I question my attractiveness all of a sudden?!

How do we recognise that and train our brains, and self-esteem, to realise that we are not that person anymore, but that we are as equally attractive, kind, loving, clever, as we get older

Anyone have the secret? I'd love to know.

As a feminist I totally agree with you.

It is totally inconsistent. The idea that it’s flattering to be objectified by some street rat is so fucking depressing. It must be internalised misogyny.

It wasn't with me. I was plain and 8 stone something when young and only really got insults. What I never had I don't miss, but female friends wanting to meet up or my older teenage dds wanting to spend time with me means a lot more to me than male approval of my appearance.

I never liked being leered at and have never wanted attention from sleazy men. You can flirt and connect with someone without it being creepy.
I wouldn't respond (positively) to a wolf whistle or a bum pinch but a man smiling at me, saying hello or whatever then generally I'm ok with that.

There's obviously times I've been with mates, maybe having a serious conversation or we just want to spend time with each other and haven't welcomed someone butting in to talk to one of us. It should be fine to say that and the other person respect it without drama or being called rude or frigid.

I'm wondering when these admiring glances are meant to happen. In a pub?

Do women really notice men admiring them in the street?

As someone who is both unobservant, but also doesn't wear makeup or heels I can't say I've ever noticed this happening.

I am of course still devastatingly gorgeous in my 50s, but very happy that my opinion of myself isn't affected by random men.

I enjoy it

there is the odd time I meet a man I find attractive I turn on the charm and well it just doesn’t work anymore like it did I miss that at times the power the confidence boost the games it was fun

I enjoy seeing young people flirting it’s such fun I look back at that time with fondness but I don’t wish to return to it I have gained other things in my life

I 5% miss it 95% enjoy not having it. Agree with an earlier poster there is the wow factor of youth that just goes no matter how well preserved you are.

I find interactions with men much easier now than when I was “hot” the weird undertones were awkward and if they ask you out having to say no it’s cringe making. Plus the grim leering. Much simpler being nearly 50.

One of my dds is beautiful and it leads to lots of awkwardness eg a twenty something male shop assistant in a shoe shop came up and was gushing to Dd about her coat. She is 14 but looks much older. We left Dd was baffled “it’s the same coat that everyone’s got mummy”. Just didn’t even realise. We went to a festival recently she got free food from most of the stalls - exclaiming how kind the food men were 🙄.

When I was young I noticed it in the street for sure and it's not because I was arrogant, I was naturally shy, but it was my super power that I discovered at the age of about 15.
I know that sounds weird, but it was an amazing feeling having that kind of influence over men. I hated being leered at or wolf whistled though, that's intimidating.
I know feminists hate it, I'm not particularly proud of it. Id far rather NOT care what I look like or what people think of me and be valued for other qualities.
Especially now it's dwindling away and my powers have gone and I've got very few other powers to replace them with 😂

I know what you mean OP. I fully get that plenty of women are pleased to become ‘invisible’ and I know deep down it’s silly to feel a bit sad about it, but there’s no point pretending that for some of us it isn’t a little depressing. Internalised misogyny it may be, but the fact is our society does place a huge emphasis on physical attractiveness.

I’m 40 and still scrub up ok- I still get some ‘attention’ but it’s worlds apart from my 20s /30s. I find the ageing process quite depressing anyway, even aside from the becoming invisible thing - the grey hairs, the weight gain, seeing your face age.

I suspect (hope!) once I hit my 50s I might feel differently - my mum was very attractive in her youth but I remember being out and about with her in my late teens and noticing that men would stare at me rather than her and wondered if she was bothered by it- when in fact she was probably more bothered by people perving on her daughter. No doubt in a few years the cycle will continue and I’ll be staring daggers at random men eyeing up my DD…

I'm 47 and don't miss being looked at in that way. It's time for the young ladies who are in their peak to shine. I remember going to parties in my 20s and 30s and being treated like shit by some older women who felt threatened or disliked me because of how I looked.