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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad about lack of attention as I age?

256 replies

DogDaysArentOver · 12/10/2023 11:37

Hi,

I think this is probably quite a 'normal' feeling, but I do kind of judge myself for caring so much.

I'm 40 next year, so a bit of a milestone, but I know I'm not old. However, I used to get quite a lot of attention, which tbh I didn't always like. In fact, most of the time it would make me feel uncomfortable, but there's a difference between being leered at, wolf whistled etc and just that second or third glance.

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman. I mean, I think I look alright and dare I say, good for my age, but as soon as I stopped looking really young and full of collagen, I basically turned into a ghost.

So, aibu by caring so much? Does anyone relate?...

OP posts:
verdantverdure · 14/10/2023 13:21

RampantIvy · 14/10/2023 10:42

There must have been a lot of very beautiful mumsnetters when they were younger.

I don't recall ever getting that kind of attention. DD at 23 doesn't attract that kind of attention either. I think she is pretty, but she isn't pretty in a conventional sense. She is tall and slim and wears baggy clothes and no make up, and people don't notice her.

It's not about beauty.

I think men have been coded by porn so long blonde hair and bigger than average breasts attract attention.

The most grabby it's ever been for me was a hen night where we'd all had Love Island makeovers beforehand. It was supposed to be a bit of fun but we looked like streetwalkers in that pornifjed make up style.

Lentilweaver · 14/10/2023 13:34

Sexual harassment isn't about beauty. it's about power.

verdantverdure · 14/10/2023 14:17

Lentilweaver · 14/10/2023 13:34

Sexual harassment isn't about beauty. it's about power.

I think that comes across quite powerfully in the Jimmy Savile series on BBC at the moment.

He got off on the power definitely. (And did worse than sexual harassment of course.)

verdantverdure · 14/10/2023 14:21

Oakbeam · 14/10/2023 13:10

THEY need to do is afford women the same level of treatment they would another man.

Isn’t sexual attraction the main driver of their behaviour? If so, it isn’t that surprising that they don’t act the same way towards other men.

Who's "they"?

Baboons?

Humans are supposed to have rational control over themselves and not be entirely at the mercy of their emotions instincts and hormones.

Also, some men are attracted to men as well as or instead of women. They still don't do that small of the back guiding thing to other men.

SGANDRUE · 14/10/2023 16:44

Yes I totally relate! Turning 50 hit me like a juggernaut! I didn't mind being my age before that. I've always looked young for my age but now I am going through menopause, all the aging symptoms have kicked in. (crepey skin on my neck, grey hair, skin tags, loss of libido, virginal atrophy,aching body and becoming invisible). It happened so quickly I'm finding hard to come to terms with. One minute I felt like a mature but sexy and attractive women, the next Like a invisible non entity! It scares me every day and I feel like I'm the only one freaking out by aging!
On the upside there are freedoms that come with being invisible. I don't put makeup on every time I leave the house, I've joined courses and made new friends because I don't have stage fright when I step out of my comfort zone anymore. I don't feel like women instantly hate me like they sometimes did when I was younger.

HamBone · 14/10/2023 16:54

@SGANDRUE Having just turned 49, I can relate! My skin’s still fairly reasonable, but I look so tired sometimes, even when I’m not. When I’m genuinely tired, I look half-dead. It’s far worse than just five years ago. Whereas DD (18) looks full of beans even after a party. 😂

novalia89 · 14/10/2023 18:16

DogDaysArentOver · 12/10/2023 12:28

@Hbh17 Bah! I wish I had your mind set!

@grennery I get what you're saying. Being followed/stalked is incredibly sinister and feels absolutely horrible, but I never really attached that to my level of attractiness, more their level of creepiness. It's the looking through you, that I find quite depressing.

I am still occasionally told I'm very attractive, but I think most people (mostly men, let's be honest) are initially drawn to youth/the most fertile. I honestly do think it's more about looking young specifically, than attractive.

This feels very humble braggy. I can’t relate as I’ve always been a bit ugly, or looking back at earlier pictures I have been less unattractive but I never really got much attention from men. Count yourself lucky that you were a. Attractive and b. Got attention.

Palmasailor · 14/10/2023 19:12

Might not be you. A lot of men just check out.

I know women want to paint the men who check out as basement dwelling losers, but a lot of us aren’t.

I’d had enough after my marriage and didn’t look at women. Just stopped. No interest in anyone.

If my current partner hadn’t approached me it would never have happened.

I’d checked out.

i know at least another four who are out. All wealthy and well balanced but decided to opt out of the game.

grennery · 14/10/2023 19:21

This feels very humble braggy. I can’t relate as I’ve always been a bit ugly, or looking back at earlier pictures I have been less unattractive but I never really got much attention from men. Count yourself lucky that you were a. Attractive and b. Got attention.

I had to report one of the cases of stalking/following @novalia89 so I can assure you that there was nothing 'humble braggy' whatsoever, and I did not feel complimented by the attention, and it only makes me feel nervous and on edge now. I've posted about it before under another name and in more detail.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 14/10/2023 21:17

novalia89 · 14/10/2023 18:16

This feels very humble braggy. I can’t relate as I’ve always been a bit ugly, or looking back at earlier pictures I have been less unattractive but I never really got much attention from men. Count yourself lucky that you were a. Attractive and b. Got attention.

Show quote history

Reflecting on experiences of stalking and harassment is ‘humble braggy’?

Have a word with yourself.

willWillSmithsmith · 15/10/2023 11:05

KajsaKavat · 13/10/2023 15:01

So many self righteous replies here. Yes it means they’d fuck yoj and that’s not a compliment as such but it’s also a massive ego boost and power trip to walk down the road some days and just wildly flirt with strangers, the same as riding a big car with windows down looking at construction workers…
its ok to still think it’s fun to harmlessly flirt with handsome people and it doesn’t mean my worth hinges on their approval.

I don’t really understand your (rather angry sounding) post. Driving around in a big car past constructions sites? I don’t understand what that is? Are the construction workers looking enviously at your car or something? Walking down the road wildly flirting with strangers? Again I don’t really understand that, sounds a bit unhinged😁

Prettydress · 15/10/2023 12:05

I love being 50ish, overweight and invisible. It really is freedom. Whilst I was never a stunner when I was younger being small, curvey with big boobs I got a fair amount of attention but always felt inadequate as I was never the slimmest/prettiest etc. I now go about my business not worrying about how I am perceived by others or how I perceive myself.

Nepmarthiturn · 15/10/2023 15:10

Palmasailor · 14/10/2023 19:12

Might not be you. A lot of men just check out.

I know women want to paint the men who check out as basement dwelling losers, but a lot of us aren’t.

I’d had enough after my marriage and didn’t look at women. Just stopped. No interest in anyone.

If my current partner hadn’t approached me it would never have happened.

I’d checked out.

i know at least another four who are out. All wealthy and well balanced but decided to opt out of the game.

Edited

Actually stats show that it is women who decide not to remarry/ have further relationships after divorce in much higher proportions than men. Of course there are exceptions, hut generally men jump into a new relationship quite quickly. Many women conclude they're happier alone, and research bears this out as a more likely route for women to a longer and happier life.

oneofthefew · 15/10/2023 15:20

Actually stats show that it is women who decide not to remarry/ have further relationships after divorce in much higher proportions than men.

I have seen that said before and wondered who they are marrying or having relationships with.

FadeAwayAndRadiate · 15/10/2023 15:50

Nepmarthiturn · 15/10/2023 15:10

Actually stats show that it is women who decide not to remarry/ have further relationships after divorce in much higher proportions than men. Of course there are exceptions, hut generally men jump into a new relationship quite quickly. Many women conclude they're happier alone, and research bears this out as a more likely route for women to a longer and happier life.

Show quote history

Women are very likely happier alone when they've been in a bad relationship, but not when they have never been in a long term relationship/never been married at all, ever... There are many MANY unhappy/sad/lonely women in their 30s and 40s who have never been married/never had children, who are longing to be with someone...

Of course, some are fine and happy as pigs in shite, but more are miserable alone. As I said, women who have come out of long term relationships that were bad - or just average - are more likely to be happy single than the ones who have just always been single.

I do agree about men finding it hard to be alone though, and wanting to get into a relationship with another woman ASAP. Men struggle to be alone, and NEED a woman... To shag, to cook for them, to do the home admin, to do the housework and ironing and washing, and to help look after his kids when he has access to them. Most men are fucking useless without a woman. 😆

HamBone · 15/10/2023 16:46

@FadeAwayAndRadiate That was my Dad after my Mum passed away, he just couldn’t manage without a woman in his life. My SM, OTOH had adapted well to widowhood and really didn’t need a man-but she fell for my Dad and took him on. 😂

OceanicBoundlessness · 15/10/2023 17:11

46 and I love being invisible. Actually I get a different response now that feels more equalitarian and less power based and predatory.

Palmasailor · 15/10/2023 19:24

Nepmarthiturn · 15/10/2023 15:10

Actually stats show that it is women who decide not to remarry/ have further relationships after divorce in much higher proportions than men. Of course there are exceptions, hut generally men jump into a new relationship quite quickly. Many women conclude they're happier alone, and research bears this out as a more likely route for women to a longer and happier life.

Show quote history

I have no idea.

I don’t read the stats and I don’t know what they say. No one ever asked me or anyone I know.

All i can tell you is that I opted out after a bad marriage, and so did every man I know socially.

Nobody apart from me has gone back.

Im sure it’s different if you’re a man in your 70’s and you’ve been widowed after a long good marriage. I’m sure that’s tough.

But divorced at 40,50 ish, it’s a different ball game. You’re just glad to be out of it.

So my point to OP was it probably isn’t her, there are just a lot fewer in the game, probably on both sides of the equation.

novalia89 · 16/10/2023 10:05

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat · 14/10/2023 21:17

Reflecting on experiences of stalking and harassment is ‘humble braggy’?

Have a word with yourself.

Show quote history

It's not the stalking part, obviously, it's the 'I am still occasionally told I'm very attractive'

grennery · 16/10/2023 12:05

I think it's quite spiteful, not to mention inappropriate, to have picked a post involving cases of stalking, and when you've been told it had to be reported @novalia89

I'm not sure what the motive is there but I agree you should have a word with yourself.

Reallifelurker · 16/10/2023 13:03

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman

If your married and not looking for a new relationship then it doesn’t make much sense

Could it be being attractive to men was a source of self esteem and now you feel diminished as a person because your not noticed as much.

Reallifelurker · 16/10/2023 13:05

I'm 34 and have never really been given much attention. I've never been wolf whistled at. I've had 5 medium-long relationships so I can't be that repulsive, but threads like this fascinate me. I'm not even overweight or anything. I feel a little bit sad that I seem to have missed out

Being wolf whistled is an over-rated experience
(Being chatted up is ok though)

Reallifelurker · 16/10/2023 13:12

Women are very likely happier alone when they've been in a bad relationship, but not when they have never been in a long term relationship/never been married at all, ever... There are many MANY unhappy/sad/lonely women in their 30s and 40s who have never been married/never had children, who are longing to be with someone.

I would imagine you are not actually that interested in long term relationships if you get to 40 without having one.
Everyone is different.

Reallifelurker · 16/10/2023 13:17

This feels very humble braggy

I was honestly going to stop after my last comment (4 in a row now) but this.. your tell people you’ve been stalked and your bragging?

Thats a bit effed up isn’t it?

TheaBrandt · 16/10/2023 13:57

I work with the very elderly - to them at 48 I am a mere slip of a girl - to my teen I am ancient 😀