To be sad about lack of attention as I age?

[DogDaysArentOver]

Hi,

I think this is probably quite a 'normal' feeling, but I do kind of judge myself for caring so much.

I'm 40 next year, so a bit of a milestone, but I know I'm not old. However, I used to get quite a lot of attention, which tbh I didn't always like. In fact, most of the time it would make me feel uncomfortable, but there's a difference between being leered at, wolf whistled etc and just that second or third glance.

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman. I mean, I think I look alright and dare I say, good for my age, but as soon as I stopped looking really young and full of collagen, I basically turned into a ghost.

So, aibu by caring so much? Does anyone relate?...

I'm pregnant at the moment and really noticing that people pay you more attention - I guess it's just because your "shape" is more out of the ordinary so people look for a bit longer.

I hadn't really noticed the attention had gone before that tbh and I think there's definitely an upside and a downside. Downside is fewer fun flirtatious chats, massive upside though is fewer creeps. But I do understand what you're saying.

I was super fit in my 40s and had loads of attention , mostly from young men 😱, now at 50 it’s dwindling… still fit just not visible abs fit

Agree @verdantverdure

It's not about being beautiful or young

It's about a vibe and being comfortable with who you are

I am in my 50s and look my age, and I notice I get no attention from van middle aged men and builders and random men... thank god! But sometimes get a flirty vibe from older men or younger men, or... women

That last one has come as a bit of a surprise

But yeah, I'm an older woman. So what, I own it and love it

OP, 40 is hard, it's when things change, but you get a lot in return. 50s can be fabulous for loving who you are and not caring if random blokes find you attractive (and that attitude paradoxically makes you more attractive)

But she is also confident, smiley and chatty and open and she meets people's gaze and I think it's more to do with that.

I'm not remotely like that. I'm naturally aloof, reserved, and very formal. Sadly it hasn't put men off.

Totally agreed
Im heading towards 60 fast.
Last week got told off by dh (lol get stuff dh) because the cute twenty yr old delivery driver was looking down my top.
I hadn't even noticed though, but I get more attention than when I was 30 odd.
I love walking and clothes and makeup.
I've turn into one of them lovely older women I used to so admire when I was younger, i never dreamed that I'd get to be like that.
Their secret - was obviously a lot of effort , and once the kids leave home you have the time - and the money.
I used ti think Joan Collins rolled out of bed looking like that.

Cool.
So it worked.
Tbf, you didn’t mention anything about being bi/women…
But you snatched up a partner, isin’t that all that matters?

I'm also bisexual. I couldn't give a shiny shit what strangers - male or female - think of my superficial physical appearance.

But let's face it. The ones eager to share their opinions on this are always men.

@NameAU1 I didn't really see the relevance tbh.

That you (general you) need to to find love and if you find it’s that’s amazing?
And to be happy with your lot?
Or what?

I love being invisible, for me it's one of the best things about getting older. In my twenties I had self esteem issues so it made me feel awful when men did a double take. It started to get better during my late 30s and I'm grateful now to be 41 and just blend in with the crowd.

Same here! Could have written your post 💐

I can relate to this.
I care not anymore and don't need the validation
I remember one time in the supermarket, while going through a rough patch with Dh.
I had so many glances I had to check my top wasn't suddenly see through , but all I wanted was dh. (We sorted us out)
Here's a thought - maybe men/ women are looking but more discreetly, so you haven't noticed.
So no you don't get the pips of random drivers or the leering in pubs, but the nice men / women are still discretely checking you out.
In fact after too many wines I can with out any modesty say, the young waiter serving us Sunday lunch last months , was really struggling not to stare.
I though it was funny but kind of sweet.
And also I do have older guys (70's) happy to chat ti me....it took me a while to figure this out, as the young lads mid twenty's , thirty's didn't do this , but were all falling over themselves ti get ti my younger , busty colleges.
In fact I now get very protective of them once I clock what's going on, and we clamped down on it very fast, if they feel at all uncomfortable.
The manager actually stopped one of the temporary contractors coming.

I think it’s more about how you dress/ style yourself as well as age.

I’ve been invisible since my late 20s. I’m a brunette and like to wear comfy clothes.

If I ever wear heels and a fitted dress I’m miraculously visible again.

There's always a bit of a 'cool girl' edge to these threads when people say that no, it's brilliant.

In reality, we spend decades being told that a large part of our value as women lies in being attractive, of course it's reasonable to have mixed or even negative feelings about the loss of that.

It's also practical. There's a lot of evidence to show that people - both male and female - tend to treat more attractive people better even in non-romantic contexts, and for example are more likely to trust their judgement, hire them.

You should let yourself have these emotions, especially as you sound sensible enough to realise that in the scheme of things, it doesn't matter and shouldn't be important, which is of course right too.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! I'm starting to feel invisible and it makes me feel like I look tired and run down. I feel drab when I'm invisible. When I get (wanted) attention it gives me a little boost and makes me feel put together and lively, puts a spring in my step! Obviously unwanted attention is still uncomfortable.

For those saying it's just women being conditioned for the male gaze, how do you explain male midlife crises where they go off with any other woman that shows them attention? Men are just as likely to not want to feel invisble to women. It's human nature to want to be found desirable, both men and women, it's how we survive.

I'm in my 40s and have felt invisible my entire life. Bothered me when younger but learned to, in the words of Elsa from Frozen, 'let it go'. Wouldn't mind spending ONE day in the body of a really attractive, eye-catching woman to see what it's like though.

Reading these replies, and reflecting on my own experience, I think it's a vibe, how you carry yourself, how you dress.

For example, if I dress in a certain way (hair, makeup, heels, nice clothes) then heads will turn - it helps that I'm 5 foot 10 in flats, relatively slim, with big curly hair that attracts attention when it is down.

99% of the time I'm in glasses, geek clothes, hair up, no make up, warn trainers and a big coat. Let's say i look "scruffy". People don't notice me and I prefer it that way. I look like the nerdy librarian, art teacher, history lecturer look- and I'm fine with it. I like being invisible most of the time.

I see it as the "She's All That"/ "Miss Congenitality" effect. Same women, different clothes, hair/make up and confidence.

I'm sure if you always make an effort with your appearance, it's "natural" that as you age you will receive less attention as men are conditioned to prize youth: the average 25 year old will get more male attention out and about than the average 65 year old.

It's disappointing to see the old 'cool girl' trope trotted out. It's not quite as simple as that.

When I lost a very significant amount of weight I had to do a lot of work on the emotional triggers of my overeating and I ultimately realised that my fat served a purpose as it was an incredibly effective disguise. I am naturally blonde and my body shape is an exaggerated hourglass; I am not exaggerating when I say that men have openly stared at my breasts since I was twelve years old. Colleagues, including women, speculated about whether I had got jobs and other opportunities because of my breasts and appearance. The invisibility of my obesity was a blessed relief and in many ways it was very hard to let go of it as I returned to a healthy weight.

PlumpAndDeliciousFatcat I agree. I lost about 4st a few years ago, in only 4 months, on the Cambridge diet. I got stares and comments from men then, despite being 58 then. I've since regained all that weight , plus another stone - and nobody looks at me (except my husband).

OMG, I LOVE the lack of attention!!! it's the silver lining to the menopause hell (51 years old)

oh haha, I have now read more of the thread. I'm not a 'cool girl', I just feel safer, more comfortable, less judged. (does it make a difference that I have been raped and sexually assaulted? dunno)

but yes, I don't mean to invalidate your feelings. a PP is correct, we are conditioned to feel that our attractiveness is our worth, so your emotions make sense

It's absolutely relevant. I'm really sorry that that happened to you

I hope it's becoming apparent that women who find liberation in a lack of male attention aren't 'cool girls'.

I never wear heels, much makeup and that sort of thing. I think someone walking by in heels does draw attention ( I think I must even look involuntarily to see) as it's noisier and I don't see many people dressed like that on the commute.

I'm slim and fit, and always wear dresses or skirts, but get the same male attention even if I'm more casually dressed for going to the gym. I think it's youth, slim, hair and face, though there will be exceptions.

I don't like the attention. I think it's a certain type of person (to be avoided) if they'll approach a stranger in public, or if you can see they're ogling you, they're not even trying to be discreet. I don't want any of that thank you.

I am 54 and still get attention. I'm not going to apologise for that it or say l don't like it or need it. It's nice to know l still have it.
I am also wise enough to know that most of it is fake and most men who like to catch ladies eyes and spout shit are usually the last kind of men you would want to meet.
I much prefer the shy type kind of men who blush when they are talking to you, the ones that want to see beyond your looks.

I am also wise enough to know that most of it is fake and most men who like to catch ladies eyes and spout shit are usually the last kind of men you would want to meet.

Yes, that's part of what I was saying too. Completely agree.