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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

388 replies

Littlewhitedoves · 12/10/2023 10:08

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 12/10/2023 10:09

More fool you for spending that much money on something that wasn’t for you

CoalCraft · 12/10/2023 10:11

Well I think you were a bit daft to spend so much on someone else's wedding, especially if you knew beforehand the couple were unlikely to last, but nevertheless I agree it's frustrating and a bit of a letdown.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/10/2023 10:11

Yes I'd be irritated as well. More about the blasé attitude that she was happy for people to go to a lot of time, effort and spend money celebrating something that she knew wasn't real. Although maybe she is putting on a brave face

Hillrunning · 12/10/2023 10:11

It was your choice to spend the money. Don't buy things you can't afford.

PissOffJeffrey · 12/10/2023 10:15

Did you enjoy the hen parties & bottomless brunches? Would have have gone on a couple of girls' holidays with friends if asked, without there being a wedding involved? A couple of nice lunches?

I don't think you need to see all of that as a waste of money. You had two holidays & some nice days out. £450 for a room for the night plus whatever the gift cost I would be quietly annoyed about though.

ComtesseDeSpair · 12/10/2023 10:15

I’d imagine she’s trying to put on a brave face and laughing it off because she’s upset, embarrassed, all the other emotions anyone feels when their marriage ends. Even looking at it from the purely financial perspective you are, do you really think she wanted to spend tens of thousands of pounds of her dream wedding and then break up a fortnight later?

AdoraBell · 12/10/2023 10:15

I can understand why you feel this way given what you’ve written, it sounds me like your friend made everything about her and her perfect day.

Also, I wouldn’t have gone along with everything and spent thousands.

<gets comfy on fence>

Surreyclaire · 12/10/2023 10:16

If you spend that on a wedding it’s on your head

Coldinscotland · 12/10/2023 10:17

Op you spent more on her wedding than I did on my entire day and honeymoon!

FeltCarrot · 12/10/2023 10:19

Ask for the gift back.

Maddy70 · 12/10/2023 10:21

You.chose to spend your oen money your own way

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 12/10/2023 10:21

You're not being unreasonable to feel irritated, but you were a total mug to spend multiple thousands on HER wedding prep! That's on your own head!

eurotravel · 12/10/2023 10:22

No way I'd have done it in the first place. I'd ditch the mate now

FloweryDrawer · 12/10/2023 10:25

Surely this is bravado though? She must be broken inside?

I would be annoyed and frustrated too if I was you, despite feeling sorry for her at some level. If I had done this, I would be devastated inside and mortified outside though.

It must be pretty humiliating to be her right now so she is brazening it out.

Dogsarebetterthanpeopl · 12/10/2023 10:25

My marriage also fell apart after a couple of weeks. I was so humiliated and embarrassed I used humour as a coping strategy too. Really I was dying inside. People were shocked when I ended up in a mental health ward as I put on such a great brave face. I hope she's OK.

PhantomUnicorn · 12/10/2023 10:27

i went to one where they broke up the day after the wedding.

Going through with it made the bride realise what a huge mistake it was.. they got it annulled.. but we were still over £300 out of pocket on outfits, travel, hotel and presents.

Apparently she knew before but felt pressured to go through with it as it was too late to cancel and didn't want to let everyone down by jilting him.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/10/2023 10:28

Presents should be returned at least

Tessasanderson · 12/10/2023 10:28

The only fool in this situation is the one who doesnt learn from it. Dont get dragged into her games.

Nottodaty · 12/10/2023 10:29

I had a friend , been together for over 10 years. His father passed away and left an inheritance- they put that towards a large wedding. It was an absolutely lovely day, but not cheap with hotels/he /stag weekends.

Within 3 months he found out she was having an affair. Shocked us all - I felt for him and her to be honest - that would be my priority being there for our friends. The ins and out as to why they went through with it our none of our business.

70sDuvet · 12/10/2023 10:29

I'd say she is putting on a brave face.
Noone would actually get married for a laugh or to feel like a princess. Something has gone badly wrong in her relationship for it to be over so quickly.

It's very difficult to say stop I can't do this when everyone has paid to come, the dresses bought, people have travelled. At least she has backed out now rather than staying in a bad relationship for years.

If you are truly her friend you will be there for her. As someday that "oh what a laugh" mask will come off and you will find out the truth of why the marriage ended so suddenly.

Sugarfree23 · 12/10/2023 10:29

Dogsarebetterthanpeopl · 12/10/2023 10:25

My marriage also fell apart after a couple of weeks. I was so humiliated and embarrassed I used humour as a coping strategy too. Really I was dying inside. People were shocked when I ended up in a mental health ward as I put on such a great brave face. I hope she's OK.

That's what I was thinking she might just be laughing it off but be heartbroken / really embarrassed inside.

Beamur · 12/10/2023 10:31

I suspect she's not telling you the whole story.

NursieBernard · 12/10/2023 10:31

YABU to have spent the money in the first place if it came with conditions. What length of time would have been appropriate for the marriage to last for you to have justified your spending on it?

Frabbits · 12/10/2023 10:32

People can say that it was your choice to spend the money, but people attend things like this in good faith.

If the person did know that the marriage was over before it started, it's a dick move to allow people to spend all that money on the event. Can well understand why you would be annoyed.

GabriellaMontez · 12/10/2023 10:34

If you're daft enough to go on 3 hen dos, I've no sympathy.

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