AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

[Littlewhitedoves]

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

On a deposit for a shitty rented flat and legal fees for her divorce, probably. She'd be welcome to it as far as I'm concerned.

Stop totting up your friendships in financial terms. They're meant to be people you love, not costs which leave you out of pocket.

If you can't afford to do X/Y/Z with them then don't spend that money. That's absolutely fine and they'd be awful friends to be mad at you. Agreeing to spend money on three hen dos is insane to me.

If you can afford to do those things and you want to do those things, accept that it's not conditional. You're spending the money because you want to spend time with your friend doing those particular activities - not because you're investing in the length or quality of her marriage.

It's not a waste of money if you actually like her, and actually enjoyed the activities. If neither of those things are the case then you shouldn't have spent it.

Because gifts are to the married couple to help them set up house together. Old fashioned idea since obviously 99.9999% of people are already living together in our culture, but a dissolving marriage does NOT need people to donate new things to a shared partnership, because there isn't one.

(Although when a local friend was donated money for her wedding by a group I belong to, I was the first to suggest we wrote to her to tell her to keep the money as she would obviously need to defray some expenses when the planned wedding was cancelled at fairly short notice.)

And I agree with everyone who says she's almost certainly putting on a brave face and not telling people the whole story. Be there for her.

You really don't have to go if you don't want to.

Go if you want to, don't if you don't want to. Don't go under sufferance.

You don't have to give a reason for not going. If she presses you, just make up some other excuse. It clashes with your granny's 100th birthday party or something. You don't have enough annual leave. You can't afford it. End of discussion, hope you have a lovely time.

This

Umm, she wouldn't be getting divorced if she hadn't had a sham wedding in the first place.

Her relationship problems are hers to sort out and pay for...not scamming mates to get money.

I'm sympathetic to you OP - this happened to me too. It absolutely cured me of getting drawn into friends weddings hooplas for ever. I'd do a bit but not the full whack. You just do get more cynical as you get older. Thankfully all my friends are married / settled now.

No, a dissolving marriage now needs two of everything so they can set up home separately from each other.

I am pretty sure that after my brief marriage ended (the hardest decision I have ever made) I probably laughed about it with friends, sort of making fun of myself (laughter is rebellion against the unbearable as Freud said). And then I went home and shut the door and broke into a thousand pieces.

Also just imagine the amount of money she’s lost, what you have spent is nothing compared to that.

The failure of a marriage after such a short time is horrific, no one wants that to happen and that’s probably also the loss of her dreams of a family etc (at least immediately). If any of my close friends had taken this attitude and come on mumsnet to complain about me they wouldn’t be my friend anymore.

Well I'm glad you aren't my friend!

There is zero chance I'd be going to the hen do for a third marriage. She'd have to be a very good friend for me to go to an expensive third wedding.

Likewise!

I'd be asking for her gift back!

Two weeks?! My house was still looking like a wedding fair two weeks after we got married

Well yes I'd be annoyed with her on a moral level however if I enjoyed all those days and nights out then I might not regret the spend.
I'd be doing the absolute minimum for any subsequent weddings mind you and I'd be letting her know that now. She's had her time.

I think it's slightly weird to feel that you didn't get your money's worth out of her marriage, but I can understand how frustrating it must be if she really did go through it just to have the big day whilst knowing it was over.

Really?

You'd prefer to have friends who would judge you and ask for their gift back after your marriage failed, rather than ones who would privately sigh about the money they'd spent but ask you if you were OK and what they could do to help?

Odd.

Well. You didn't need to go along with it all but you did so you can't change that.

After 2 weeks though, they should be returning ALL their gifts.

No, a dissolving RELATIONSHIP now needs two of everything so they can set up home separately from each other. And the extra things are NOT provided by people who are setting a couple up in life. If you want to give a friend a gift so that they can move on to a new stage in life, that's your decision. It's not the same thing as a wedding gift, and no-one is entitled to keep gifts given in expectation of a married relationship.

I think the protocol for this situation is that all gifts should be returned - maybe this can include your costs too? Send a bill if you are very annoyed. She is very thoughtless and careless - she must have known.

No one is entitled to a gift back because gifts don't come with strings attached.

If you feel strongly that a gift is only valid if the marriage lasts an arbitrary length of time, just send the couple a card and say, "I'll send you a gift next year if you're still together on your first anniversary."

Would you actually send someone a bill in this situation? Really and truly?

Sounds like the only face she's putting on it is huge smirk! I wonder who will have copped for all the wedding presents? Another example of the indirect correlation between the cost the wedding and longevity of the marriage.