AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

[Littlewhitedoves]

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

Dear me!
She really did want to be a Princess for a day!
The whole wedding, stag / hen do’s abroad etc have become ridiculous now.

She has been really quite selfish. I’d have it out with her.

I've gone to five weddings in the last ten years, and bought gifts in the region of £50, and they've all ended in divorce within five years.

My cousins daughter even advertised a lot of her wedding gifts for free on Facebook, to spite her ex husband. A friend whose marriage only lasted one year had a car boot sale, and was very proud to tell me she'd sold her wedding presents, as she said she wanted a fresh start and didn't want any reminders.

After taking into account the travelling, over night hotel stays, new outfits bought, and wedding presents, it does make you feel wary of going to any more.

Anyone who does all that stuff for their wedding, I’d be wary of. Style over substance.

I'd want to fucking kill her.

Strange sentiment from someone who is presumably offended because they felt the wedding was OTT.

I've voted you are being unreasonable to be be spending that much money on someone else's wedding regardless.
That was your choice..yes she shouldn't of got married and really she should give the wedding gifts back at the very least but ultimately you chose to spend that money

How long would the marriage have to last for you to feel like you got your money’s worth?

@SurprisedWithAHorse

No, it's because you need to be bloody sure before you put people to so much effort and expense.
To shrug it off after two weeks is frankly pathetic, selfish and unacceptable.

People choose the effort and expense and nobody is obliged to stay unhappily married so that you can feel you got your money's worth.

Thanks for the replies. I got a mixed bag of responses. Ultimately I will be more cautious in the future putting so much effort in for other people although I can't go into every friends wedding with the expectation that it is going to end so suddenly!

The money was not the issue really. I had a lovely time and had a brilliant time on holiday. The multiple hen parties seem to be the norm these days especially if a bride has close friends, family and work colleagues and others.

I'm more upset at the effort gone to for all of the little touches on holiday, hours spent on making games, time spent on video messages from people who couldn't be there, helping with so much preparation. I could go on.

I'm not a selfish person. What I'm feeling is obviously not a patch on the emotions that she is going through. However I feel a bit of a mug that she led everyone on without any indication and I put my heart into making everything perfect.

Believe me I have been there for her so far and it is just met with 'its just not right, I was carried away with the wedding' there is no major reason. It is the making light of the situation and laughing that is the sticking point.(understanding that this could be a trauma response) I am trying to be a good friend but also want to give her a shake and ask why she let so many people go to such lengths. The gift was something personalised with her married name and now of no use.

Thank you for the responses to give me a more balanced view. I'm not a horrible friend wanting to go on MN for a bitch I was simply wanting other people's opinions outside of my family and friends who have biased views on the situation.

Thanks for the update, @Littlewhitedoves.

I'm glad you still want to be there for your friend but would recommend asking for this to be deleted in case she sees it and recognises herself.

I think there are a few takeaways from this situation for you:

• don't get so overinvested in other people's weddings, either financially or emotionally
• three hen dos really are not the norm for most people
• if you can see a friend turning into a bridezilla it might be kind to have a word with her about it (especially costs, hers and other people's), and probe a bit to see whether she seems happy in her relationship
• don't ever buy people personalised wedding gifts, 50% of marriages end in divorce and an even greater percentage of those engraved cheese boards will end up in landfill.

i have read another thread on here, just this year, with the same situation.

Ask for your money back!

Yeah was it the one that still went ahead with wedding despite knowing it wont last .
just because she had done so
much prep
or may be it's this one

Another example of the ‘because I’m worth it’ philosophy which is used as a sort of propaganda to compel so many young women into a ridiculous cycle of bogus celebrations [and debt]. The growth of ‘gender reveal parties and baby showers being another part of this idiotic merry go round. Reading on MN the problems women face day in day out once the dream day is done, should be mandatory for anyone planning a wedding or thinking of having children.
The average marriage lasts less than 12 years and almost 50% of marriages end in divorce. Cohabiting relationships have an even greater rate of permanent separation. Marriage and choosing to live with another person in what is intended to be a permanent relationship requires an awful lot more than the multifarious hen weekends, pre bridal parties, the massively overdone wedding day ‘celebrations’ and the honeymoon extravaganza. What exactly are people celebrating? If it’s the declarations of commitment, please remember that many of these will undermined by the pressures of juggling mortgages, debt, childcare and the contempt which is bred of familiarity. Or is it the commitment to faithfulness and tolerance? Before the recent creation of ‘no fault divorce’, the majority of petitions were made by women seeking a divorce on the grounds of adultery, we have a tsunami of pornography in our society coupled with endless personal gratification, so be very aware of how many challenges lie ahead.

So the best advice I can give, especially in an age when people have not ‘saved themselves’ for the marriage bed, and will almost certainly have lived together and holidayed together before the ‘big Day’…..save your money for the rest of your married life. Discuss your respective roles and attitudes to money, childcare and personal relationships. Keep the wedding simple and ask everyone to help you by giving their love and emotional support over the next 10/20/30/40 years and if you're lucky enough to make it, have a huge party in your local community, at your local hotel and say with great pride ‘….25 years ago we married ….’. And for all the poor suckers who get dragged into being the best friend of the bride to be etc etc, and being used as a travel agent shelling out money you can ill afford …..recognise the lunacy of the modern wedding industry and learn to say No.

And for all the poor suckers who get dragged into being the best friend of the bride to be etc etc, and being used as a travel agent shelling out money you can ill afford …..recognise the lunacy of the modern wedding industry and learn to say No.

This.

3 Hen Dos & various bottomless brunches...

I believe it’s possible to celebrate the joy of a friends wedding by offering nothing more than your presence and genuine warm wishes at and immediately after the ceremony

My personal rule is unless I'm a bridesmaid, I wouldn't go on an over the top/expensive hen do unless I would be happy going on the exact same trip without any wedding association i.e. would I want to go to Tenerife for a fun holiday anyway with this group of friends and some friends of friends?

I expect there's a lot more to the breakup and I can sympathise a lot with her not wanting to tell everyone her business so soon. I wouldn't jump to conclusions or focus on your own money spend. It can be very hard to tell people the reasons behind a break up so I understand her laughing it off. Maybe he broke up with her and she's hoping they'll get back together?! Or worse... he's been violent? I rarely share relationship worries/problems with many people at all because I feel like people gossip so much nowadays. If you're a good enough friend, she might tell you in time.

Wait a bit of time before you start being annoyed. If she goes on to have another huge wedding in the future then I would probably be annoyed. Apparently there's a statistic that the more you spend on the wedding, the more likely to divorce.

I would be FUMING & tell her to return the wedding gift, now!
They aren’t going to need it & you need to recoup losses from her sham wedding!
Going forwards if she wants you to be part of the next wedding she pays for everything or you ain’t there!
What an absolute ass hat she is!!!
Again… FUMING!!!

Sounds like she wanted the "Big Day" more than the person, I hope she makes an effort to return people's gifts.
I am wondering if something happened on his stag do that she found out about?
Either way, a little humility wouldn't go amiss.

How long should a person remain unhappily married before guests feel they've had their money's worth? If the marriage is miserable and doomed, your money's down the drain anyway.

I know that ideally you wouldn't go through with the wedding but once that's done and can't be changed, how long is an acceptable time? And if you're both agreed the marriage is dead in the water and you're just continuing to sham it for a while so people don't feel they've wasted their money, is it OK to see other people?

I would be FUMING & tell her to return the wedding gift, now!
Do you keep receipts for all wedding gifts on the off chance they break up within the timescale of the returns policy?

@AmandasFleckerl I keep all receipts for goods for 2yrs. You need to keep receipt for warranty for most things you know 🙄
As it is OP has said the gift was personalised so mist likely can’t be returned. It will probably just be binned without a thought, just like the marriage, because the bride is clearly living in a fairy land all of her own where she is the ultimate princess.
Who goes through with a wedding when they know the person isn’t right for them?
😂INSANE PEOPLE & PRECIOUS PRINCESSES THAT IS WHO 😂

Who goes through with a wedding when they know the person isn’t right for them?

The King.

🤣🤣🤣