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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

388 replies

Littlewhitedoves · 12/10/2023 10:08

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

OP posts:
Bivarb · 12/10/2023 11:15

I also think she's using humour as a coping mechanism. No way she isn't embarrassed about her 2 week marriage. Just be there for her and don't mention the money.

However, next time she gets married there's no way I'd spend anything near the amount as before. I certainly wouldn't go on 3 hen dos!

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:15

Friends of mine split up a few months after getting married and they had been together 15 years+.

Still a brilliant wedding though and I don't regret a penny spent on them. It's money, it's for spending and enjoying yourself, and once you've spent it it's gone.

SacAMain · 12/10/2023 11:16

YAB massively U

It was your choice to spend that much. Would it make you feel better to have spent the money on a birthday do in Tenerife, a UK trip etc.? Hen does are just a fun excuse to go away with friends, if they are really your friend, the wedding part is not that important for you, the guest!

It's the same with outfits, it wasn't a royal wedding with pictures splashed out around the world, no one asked you to spend hundreds on outfits and make-up. You can rent designer clothes for a wedding for surprisingly little money, you can buy a perfect outfit for next to nothing on vinted.

It would be the polite thing to do to offer to return the gifts, but as above, maybe she is too crushed to even think about them.

oohsharon · 12/10/2023 11:16

She should be returning the gifts! I know someone who separated the following day. She just says, "but I love a party hahaha"

Not funny

Dweetfidilove · 12/10/2023 11:17

Surely you knew beforehand shelling out thousands for multiple hens and brunches for one wedding was ridiculous, so must have been having a whale of a time to carry on.

If not, it’s an expensive lesson in implementing boundaries.

More importantly, I’ll wager the bravado and laughing is to cover the humiliation of this very short lived marriage.

I see people tie themselves in knots to get through weddings that clearly shouldn’t happen, so it’s unlikely this is a ball for her.

Give her time and grace. Soon she’ll open up about what she’s really feeling.

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:17

weirdoboelady · 12/10/2023 11:15

You shouldn't have to. ANY decent person would be returning gifts.

Show quote history

Why? What if he shagged the bridesmaid or has started hitting her?

Oh I'm sorry my husband turned out to be a prize wanker, here's the gift back. How does that even work? It's a gift. It's gone. Get over it.

Cumbrianlife · 12/10/2023 11:17

She's your good friend. Surely if she is so shallow you'd have noticed before now. I would think she's putting a brave face on it. I also imagine this has cost her a fortune too from your own description.

Goldfish41 · 12/10/2023 11:19

if she was brave enough to end it two weeks in, then she could have ended it sooner.

That’s really oversimplifying things. People want their relationships and marriages to work. They keep trying, they ignore doubts, they write it off as wedding jitters etc.

I should have ended my relationship sooner but I didn’t. There were abusive elements which messed with my head and I felt like I should keep trying, even though looking back there was so much that was really wrong. The moment I finally realised it was really over was when my wedding photos landed and I didn’t want to look at them.

You can’t make that judgment from outside.

EvelynKatie · 12/10/2023 11:19

I'd been together over 8 years with my ex-H, had 10 people at our wedding, everything was fine and dandy. Didn't stop him having an affair before we reached our 1st anniversary.

I just found it extremely embarrassing, I can imagine she's using humour to hide that! I'd have been mortified too if I'd known tons of people had spent a lot of money towards it.

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:22

Just imagining the stress of it all, then to cap it, getting a card through the door saying Aunty Dolly wants her toaster back and an email from Uncle Robert saying he wants a refund on the canteen of cutlery, and a text from your best mate wanting a refund on the hen do.

Jog. On.

SacAMain · 12/10/2023 11:23

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:17

Why? What if he shagged the bridesmaid or has started hitting her?

Oh I'm sorry my husband turned out to be a prize wanker, here's the gift back. How does that even work? It's a gift. It's gone. Get over it.

Show quote history

If nothing else, why would anyone want to keep gifts reminding them of the wedding with the prize wanker, or gifts to a couple when you are newly single?

Any decent person WOULD return the gifts, or at the very least offer. It's weird not to, but it depends if they have got round to even think about them.

Ireolu · 12/10/2023 11:23

I have never spent so much on one person wedding and wouldn't tbh. The effort and thought put into getting everything sorted for their 'day' for them to split after a couple of weeks would piss me off though, so in all YANBU.

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 11:24

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:22

Just imagining the stress of it all, then to cap it, getting a card through the door saying Aunty Dolly wants her toaster back and an email from Uncle Robert saying he wants a refund on the canteen of cutlery, and a text from your best mate wanting a refund on the hen do.

Jog. On.

The stress of what exactly?! If you've got the balls to end the marriage after 2 weeks, you've got the balls to cancel it beforehand. No doubt about it!

If she didn't give me my toaster back I'd be fucking fuming (although normally, it's not a toaster but hundreds of pounds I'm giving)

Bowbobobo · 12/10/2023 11:25

I'd be fucking livid.

A relative did this years ago and it still makes me cross. It destroyed her father, who practically bankrupted himself to help pay the the big day.

SamPoodle123 · 12/10/2023 11:25

GabriellaMontez · 12/10/2023 10:34

If you're daft enough to go on 3 hen dos, I've no sympathy.

Yes, this lol. Sorry, but who does that? 3 hen dos is ridiculous.

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:25

If you have given money, she will probably need it for the divorce, and household goods would still be needed.

MargotBamborough · 12/10/2023 11:25

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:22

Just imagining the stress of it all, then to cap it, getting a card through the door saying Aunty Dolly wants her toaster back and an email from Uncle Robert saying he wants a refund on the canteen of cutlery, and a text from your best mate wanting a refund on the hen do.

Jog. On.

This.

Jesus Christ, just be thankful you're not the one splitting up after a two week marriage and move on.

Idontpostmuch · 12/10/2023 11:25

Sorry to see you're getting some snarky responses. OK, so it's AIBU, but even so, some people just love a chance to act superior. Anyway, I can see why you feel let down. The thing to do is to try to divorce (sorry, unfortunate choice of word) the party aspect of it all from anything to do with a wedding. If you can remember it all as a fun time then you won't regret the expense. I was also a guest at a wedding for a short lived marriage. Wasn't expensive but now feels weird. So I just remember the fun side.

Ontheclifftop · 12/10/2023 11:25

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:22

Just imagining the stress of it all, then to cap it, getting a card through the door saying Aunty Dolly wants her toaster back and an email from Uncle Robert saying he wants a refund on the canteen of cutlery, and a text from your best mate wanting a refund on the hen do.

Jog. On.

Most people give cash gifts nowadays. When the dust has settled a bit the bride and groom should certainly be returning that, especially if it was intended to fund their honeymoon.

Jewelspun · 12/10/2023 11:25

I would never get that involved in someone else's wedding.

From what I've seen over the years the more over the top a wedding is the less likely a marriage will last.

After only two weeks the couple should return the gifts.

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:26

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 11:24

The stress of what exactly?! If you've got the balls to end the marriage after 2 weeks, you've got the balls to cancel it beforehand. No doubt about it!

If she didn't give me my toaster back I'd be fucking fuming (although normally, it's not a toaster but hundreds of pounds I'm giving)

Show quote history

I don't think your toaster would exactly be at the top of her list of priorities.

MargotBamborough · 12/10/2023 11:27

Graciebobcat · 12/10/2023 11:25

If you have given money, she will probably need it for the divorce, and household goods would still be needed.

Yes, a woman who has been living with her husband until recently and now needs to find somewhere else to live is more in need of money and an extra toaster than someone whose marriage is a roaring success.

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 11:27

@Graciebobcat no, she'd just be off spending my money instead. What a CF.

Cosyblankets · 12/10/2023 11:27

No way would i have spent that amount of money in the first place but if my friend's marriage fell apart due to DV after such a short time, or any time for that matter, i would be looking after my friend.

Moveoverdarlin · 12/10/2023 11:28

Later this year I have to attend my friend’s third wedding in 12 years. It’ll be the third hen do, third outfit, third gift, second time of sorting childcare, annual leave, third lot of hotels, third lot of clapping and cheering. She cheated on her 2nd husband with her current fiancé. So I hear you OP, there’s just no thought for the guests who go to so much effort. I’d love not to go and say ‘I came to the first two’ but it’ll create drama.

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