AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

[Littlewhitedoves]

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

Umm, she wouldn't be getting divorced if she hadn't had a sham wedding in the first place.

Her relationship problems are hers to sort out and pay for...not scamming mates to get money.

Yeah, she spent tens of thousands on a wedding, got legally married and landed herself with another massive bill for a divorce just to get a couple of hen dos and some crappy household items out of her mates. Makes total sense…..

Would probably feel better to you if she was at least offering to return presents. Check she's not just being casual to cover up deep distress

3 hen do's

£450 for one night in a hotel

Wow

But your poor friend she is prob heartbroken

She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc.

If she was laughing to me about it I would tell her that it isn’t funny that I spent £££ to make it special and support what she wanted only to have her laugh about it all.

Obviously she shouldn’t stay in a loveless marriage but she should also not laugh about it to people who have so much.

In her shoes I would be giving back wedding presents.

When I was in my early 20s my friend married a great -as we all thought - guy.

The night after the wedding he punched her. She phoned me crying, I went to her parents house and me , her Dad and 2 brothers went and got her. Packed her stuff, and she never went back. We did ruefully joke that the marriage was over before the photos were printed, but she was devastated and embarrassed and wanted to apologise to all her guests. (Of course we said no apology necessary , not from her anyway!).

Totally different from your friend’s cavalier treatment of her friends and family.

I hardly think its fair to OP to say she should not have spent so much money on the wedding. Yes of course you can opt out of some aspects of the whole wedding experience but weddings cost a lot of money. If you take into account the basics, hen do, present, overnight stay at venue, hair/make up,clothes etc you are talking about a lot of money.

OP obviously entered into all the wedding planning in good faith. Friend never hinted anything was wrong.

OP I would be pissed of to and think I would need to distance myself from the "bride". It's not ok what she has done. She let everybody fork out an insane amount of money knowing the marriage was going nowhere, all because she wanted her day. People would respect her more if she had called it all of. She's a greedy, selfish fool.

This ''protocol'' is the given etiquette for this situation i.e. - all gift should be returned (without giver having to ask of course).

you literally don't have to do any of that. You don't even have to attend.

Not odd at all.

I would NEVER ask for a gift/money back (that would be absolutely vile behaviour) but it is ABSOLUTELY CLASSLESS of the bride and groom not to offer the gifts/money back.

Whether I accepted their offer would depend entirely on the circumstances surrounding the breakdown of the marriage. And if my friend didn't want to go into them, then she needs to give the cash back as far as im concerned.

It can't be a coincidence that the rise of self-publicity of social media and the increase in mega weddings, and all the crap that goes with them, occurred in roughly the same time frame.

I doubt she's really finding any of this funny. More likely, embarrassed and humour is a coping strategy

I think it's unfair of people to say "it was your choice to spend XX". A hen weekend is a bit of a trump card. It's not always easy to decline to attend. Likewise, difficult to attend a wedding without sending a gift

Gifts should be returned, although guests shouldn't contact B&G to request this

So you wouldn't ask for the money back but you would silently judge your friend who is going through a personal crisis, probably utterly broke now, and has other things on her mind than returning the toaster or the hundred quid you sent her.

And the amount of sympathy you are willing to offer her is dependent on how willing she is to share all the gory details about her marriage breakdown.

Jesus.

So, you, a close enough friend to spend thousands on her wedding, including attending all three hen parties, are on mumsnet, telling the world about her apparently sham marriage, and slagging off how much money she wasted on the wedding.

Imagine what less close friends, or acquaintances, or indeed enemy’s are doing and saying. Then ask yourself, knowing that, would I collapse sobbing in a heap and admit my upset and humiliation to everyone, or would I put on a brave face, and tell everyone it’s fine, I got my party which was all I wanted. Cut the poor woman some slack, you're supposed to be her friend.

nope, nobody is entitled to ask for their gift back.

But. It is morally dubious not to return them yourselves. So while i think the B&G should return the gifts, i think it would be bad form to actually ask for them.

But in future when things have died down, or the friend has another wedding with all the tra-la-la I'd be declining to attend any of it apart from the service and reception. And there would be a gift because I'm not a git.

Of course there's a lot of social pressure but you just need to grow some balls and say, "All three of these hen dos sound fab but unfortunately I can only afford to attend one", and "Wow, these 450 quid hotel rooms look lovely but sadly that's a bit out of my budget so I'll be driving home/getting a taxi to the nearest Travelodge after the wedding". Boom. You've saved yourself at least a grand.

I also don't understand the urge to throw so much money at a wedding - the inexorable growth of pre-wedding "events" baffles me.

It's not only weddings though, the number of events to make money seem to increase daily! Engagement parties, bridal showers, multiple hen parties, the wedding fiasco, there will then be the pregnancy announcement, the 'gender reveal' party, the baby shower, the gifts expected for the new child, it just goes on and on.

I wouldn't spend that much even if it was guaranteed the wedding couple would be together for 100 years! Especially if you can't afford it.

Hell, I didn't spend that much for my own wedding and honeymoon!

My wedding cost $200. We got married in Las Vegas for $200 and then had an amazing 5-week road trip across USA staying in motels. £2700 total!

I'd be annoyed too - can you at least ask for your wedding present back?

Expect a party to celebrate getting back together followed by an enormous baby shower involving elaborate gifts. Another break up/baby/vow renewal every time the attention falls away. All very insta-worthy.

I’m another to agree she’s putting on a brave face. Something must’ve happened in that short time. I’d be feeling sorry for her

Yes, that's the height of it.

She's probably gutted and embarrassed really. What do you expect her to do?

I understand OP

I know one couple who had a very short marriage but just a registry office thing so no issues really

I later attended a big expensive circus wedding for a mutual friend and was seated with the lady from that couple. She actually said, seriously, "I wish we had had a big wedding like this, at least we'd have something nice to look back on instead of just an embarrassingly short marriage".

My flabber was gasted!

Some people want the wedding and not the marriage

After two weeks the wedding gifts will be returned so you get a bit back.

Not read the whole thread but OP you did type these very words. So if you could type these words 2 weeks after the event, you knew on some level that this one was not going to go the distance didn't you?

"she wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams"