AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

[Littlewhitedoves]

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

I don't blame you for being irritated, but you spent all that money and time because you care about her and wanted to be part of a positive experience...and it succeeded in that.

I also wouldn't set too much stock on what is obvious face-saving. It's a very embarrassing and upsetting situation for her so give her a bit of slack in how she presents it or seems to cope with it.

It would have been better had she not gone through with it but you can understand the pressure. It's better this than they be miserable for years and probably have a messier break up over cheating or something just so guests can feel they got their money's worth.

Gifts don't come with conditions.

It is annoying that she seems to be laughing about it, and that she says she still wanted the perfect day.

However, I have called off a wedding at short notice and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Turning round to everyone who had been helping planning, were excited for me, were looking forward to it, had already paid for hotels etc and saying "actually this just doesn't feel right" was incredibly difficult. Particularly because there was no real reason, neither of us had done anything wrong. I can completely understand why someone might be too frightened to call it off at the last minute. Fortunately none of my family or friends were angry at me for the money they'd spent on my Hen Do - I got nothing but support.

You know your friend best, though. Maybe she is just a horrible person. But do keep an eye out - it might be that she's been under so much pressure and is too embarrassed to admit the truth.

Presumably your friend didn't hold a gun to your head and force you to attend her pre-nuptial celebrations - and presumably you enjoyed the holidays and bottomless brunches and so on?

This is money you've spent whether the marriage lasts two weeks or till death does them part.

Well, at the least ask for the wedding present back. More fool you though for spending so much money on this, you could have had a nice holiday for that.

You sound like a great friend.

I always thing it's incredibly daft to spend that sort of money on someone else's wedding. I get why you are annoyed and angry (I would be too) and you have been a fool. Nobody forced you to spend this amount.

YABU.

My marriage was over by the time we went to bed that night. We were finished but stuck it out for a few months.

I was in bits and embarrassed as hell and seriously out of pocket as I'd pretty much paid for all of it and moved cities and all sorts.

I suggest you support your friend rather than being cross at your own overspending. You could ask for the gift back but that will look cruel and heartless.

These things are never as simple as they seem, as pp have pointed out.

I'm not going into more details regarding my situation for obvious outing reasons but please look out for your friend, of course she'll be joking on the outside but trust me, she'll probably be dying on the inside.

Remember, this isn't all about you.

Jesus your friend has just had her life ruined and your first thought is the money you spent, that you were happy to write off when you thought the wedding would last, that suddenly you regret spending?

Sounds more like buyer's remorse.

Unless you were forced at gunpoint, what you spent is entirely on you.
Expensive hens and weddings are nuts, whatever the relationship.

I mean... Did you have a nice time? If you had fun, she had her fairytale day, and all the guests had a good time then... Oh well? Seems absolutely mental to go to this much trouble and spend this much money on someone else's wedding, but they weren't making vows to you when they married. None of what you did was conditional on their marriage lasting a certain amount of time. For it to dissolve after only two weeks something big has gone on behind the scenes there.

Just do a registry and pub lunch for her next wedding!

If there's a next time, go for a rock cake and a cup of tea at a local café. I don't think you can do anything about what has already been done but I wouldn't be forking out for another wedding present for her.

A colleague had the same. Her best friend got married.
2 hen party's - one abroad and hugely expensive with all the matching kit - swim suits, robes, tshirts, pajamas, drinking glasses. One UK hen party, also expensive.

Then covid hit and her wedding day was cancelled. She had one small wedding covid rules permitting where she actually got married. Then she did the big wedding she planned, for the big party once covid rules allowed. Then she did a third wedding, no idea why.

She is now pregnant and about to give birth and her husband has cheated on her and left her.

All that money on hen party's and weddings could now be of use to her as a single mother but she's in debt because of 3 weddings and 2 hen partys.

Honestly why don't people just get married without all this crap now.

I would never have spent all that money on it though - you did have a choice.

That's the problem these days, too many people think they want to live out Love island if only for a day - flashy superstar days , multiple hen dos etc. weddings in middle of nowhere that cost a fortune to stay at etc

I'm really conscious of expense for others so yep I would feel a bit pissed off too. However as others have said she may be putting on a brave face and be in bits inside so - be kind!!

Oof.

YANBU to be annoyed about spending that much money but I think I would be annoyed about spending that much money anyway regardless of how long the marriage lasted, and probably wouldn't have gone. Attending three hen dos was a choice, and I find it hard to believe that there weren't rooms costing less than 450 quid a night within a taxi ride of the venue.

As for your friend's reaction, she is probably trying to hide the fact that she is in shock and deeply ashamed. No one wants to separate from their husband or wife two weeks after their wedding. She will be only too aware that people are judging her, and that they are angry with her after having spent so much on her big princess wedding.

The fact that it was a big princess wedding and will have also cost the couple and/or their parents a fortune as well as the guests is probably a huge factor in why she didn't feel able to call it off.

It's a shame that someone close to her didn't have a word with her about what a big extravaganza it was all turning out to be and check whether she was sure about the marriage or whether it was all becoming about the BIG DAY.

Imagine she'd separated from her husband after a year instead of a fortnight. Or even three years. People would still be bitching about the length of her marriage and the amount of money they'd spent, but she and her husband would have had to stay together, making each other miserable for all that time.

Maybe she didn't even have a say in the matter. Maybe he dumped her.

You don't know what she's going through but I suspect she is feeling really shitty. The money is spent now, so if she's a good friend otherwise I would just be there for her.

This is one situation in which I would actually use a phrase I have grown to hate: be kind.

If you couldn't afford it, you shouldn't have done it. 3 hen dos is excessive, you didn't need to go to all of them

If you can afford it and are just annoyed, fair enough. But the bigger picture here is your friend is getting divorced, and whether she knew it would happen or not, it's a tough time.

I would be extremely annoyed as well but I have voted YABU because it was your choice to spend a ridiculous amount of money on someone else.

Big weddings aren't a new thing.

They might not always be the smart thing but you can't blame them on Love Island or Instagram. They existed long before those things did.

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors.

I don't get this attitude. Surely you were willing to spend the money and enjoy your friend's company and had a nice time? It's not compulsory to spend that much money or to attend these events at all.

Does only a long marriage give "value for money" - a return on your investment?

Either way you won't see the money again so I don't see what difference the length of the marriage makes.

She’s probably hurting inside, but I can understand how you feel cheated.

if she was brave enough to end it two weeks in, then she could have ended it sooner.

I guess the fact that she doesn’t feel contrite or remorseful isn’t helping, but seems gleeful at what’s happened.

Big weddings, perhaps, but all this business of having multiple hen 'events' and the 'hen night' having morphed into an expensive holiday, is relatively recent.

You shouldn't be angry at her. Instead change the way you throw money at a situation. Next time just go on one hen do if you want to, and only gift what you can afford. You didn't have to stay over in that room, you could have either driven or stayed at a cheaper b&b. I used to be a massive people pleaser, and spent so much money on situations when I didn't want to. Now I'm 41, I actually judge the situation and what I want to do/spend, before agreeing to anything. It's perfectly fine to say, sorry I can't afford it but have a great time. I say it lots of times.

3 hen dos plus other days out, a wedding gift plus £450 on a hotel? 🤦🏻‍♀️ i dread to think how much youve spent even if the marriage lasted. The expectation that people have the money to fund all this is beyond a joke

I wouldn't read too much into that. She's probably in shock and trying to disguise how she really feels because she'd rather people were mad with her than pitied her.

Maybe she's heartbroken but she's hiding it well. Maybe he did something unforgivable and she doesn't want to tell you.

I've been married twice, the first time I was young and madly in love. Back then it was unusual to live together before the wedding so we had great fun equipping our flat that was to be our first home. We had a nice wedding, low key compared to your friend. Eight days after the wedding I was contacted by a woman who worked with my husband. She told me they had been in a relationship for nearly a year, she was pregnant and as a final slap in the face the night before the wedding they had sex in the bed we had bought, so on my wedding night I was in a bed where they'd had sex less than 24 hrs earlier. I was so embarrassed, so ashamed I told no one. My heart was broken and I couldn't share it.

So I'm probably biased but I'd worry she's hiding something distressing. I do sympathise with your irritation though.