AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

[Littlewhitedoves]

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

My sister in law was married before she wed my brother. She found out that her finance had cheated on her and she didn’t want to marry him. She went to her parents who told her she had to marry him because of the money spent and what people would say. They said something along the lines of just marry him and make it work. She had no support and felt she had no choice but to go through with the wedding. It lasted a couple of months. She was neither insane nor a princess.

You're annoyed? Imagine how she feels, or the person she married.

Unfortunately this is an example of a girl wanting the wedding and not the marriage

I had a friend who by hook or by crook was having her wedding before she was 30 even though she was plainly with the wrong man, she was going to be married before 30 and that was that.

The day was fairytale. She was centre of attention. It was over with six months.

@AmandasFleckerl Your SIL was obviously in an abusive relationship with her parents & they cared more about how things looked to those on the outside than about their daughter.
That is a very, very sad & disturbing situation but nothing like OP’s friends situation.

No-one of sound mind & body gets married OF THEIR OWN FREE WILL to someone they know it is not going to workout with!

@Vistada Exactly.
No-one in their right mind gets married just for the hell of it or to someone they know is the wrong person.

Your friend must have had some issues but those issues will have been pressured on her by how she was raised, society & her own internal demons.

Wow- I would be very worried about your friend and her MH behaving in this way. But also angry that her 'deliberate mistake' was a charade. Taking you & others for a ride emotionally and financially. Are you still 'friends ' I'd suggest you never really were is she can fool you like this. NOT judging YOU but worried about her attitude.

YABU for spending the money in the first place. 3 hen do’s? Just plain stupidity right there. Having facilitated/enabled this debacle, you’re as much to blame as the bride herself.

I think if she's really making light of it and it was annoying me OP, I'd be inclined to say something to her, like "I know you're probably only laughing and making light of it because you're embarrassed (friend), but have you thought how this attitude might be coming across to the people who put a lot of money and effort, into giving you the wedding of your dreams? Perhaps you'd be better off letting your real feelings show, at least that way people won't feel like they've been taken for a ride?" and then let that sink in. It might just be enough to encourage her not to bottle things up, and if she genuinely isn't that bothered, make her think about what she's actually done. Has she returned all the gifts?

You're more likely to push the boat out if you think it's for your friend's once in a lifetime amazing day marrying her soulmate for a lifetime of happiness than you are for what appears to have been a glorified insta opportunity wedding which lasted less than a month.

Hey I really need to know if I’m going crazy or if it is my DH who is unreasonable in this situation. I could ask my family but I really want someone impartial to give an honest view. I’m married for 11 years some happier than others if I’m honest but that’s a real marriage isn’t it??? My DC are 6 and 8 and in all they time they have been on this earth my MIL or SIL have never babysat but that is by the by. Some background, I’m not from London but this is where we live and all of my family live (200 miles away) where I’m from but we go to see them regularly and they often come and stay and will always babysit whenever needed.

My MIL has recently started visiting more and making more effort with the kids which is good. She lives with my SIL who has no kids and lives a full life, being out with friends, working, travelling and keeping fit. At one time they were very close some might say inseparable but for some reason not so much anymore, DH says she’s lonely and feels he needs to make her feel more welcome at ours as she is almost 80!

I do not mind this at all except, I do all the chores around the house, cooking, cleaning, washing up, ironing EVERYTHING. Which is fine as he is the bread winner in a very stressful job, he wfh some days and when he is, he barely leaves his computer and is in a tonne of Zoom meetings. So when MIL comes round during the week I know it’s my responsibility to look after her. I have recently started my own business so I’m not always at home and some of my time is spent prepping for sessions or on my own Zoom calls. My DH often invites his Mum over during the week without giving me any notice and I find myself having to cancel calls or put my work stuff to one side because I feel I have to spend time taking care of her which I of course don’t mind, if she is at our house and he is in his office. I asked him to discuss it with me before he invites her over and he was NOT impressed saying that “he shouldn’t have to discuss with me when his Mum comes to HIS house”. I tried to explain that as I’m the one who is looking after her it’s only fair. He told me that I didn’t have to and that if I’m out he’ll handle it. I just wanted him to give me the opportunity to organise my schedule so that I actually have time for her when she is here, rather than cancelling my plans at the last minute or leaving her down stairs alone which I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate. Plus she is Vegan which we are NOT so I often find myself running round at the last minute trying to find and prep separate food for her to eat.

Sorry I know it’s a long one but I just need to know AIBU or is he???

Ooh, some salty comments on here about you overspending! I'm on your side - I can understand wanting to make a special day for your friend, and many of the expenses you've mentioned are more to do with the bride than you; you were just joining in. I'd be livid if I'd pushed the boat out that much for a good friend only to see it wasted. However, some of her insousciance may be bravado, especially if it was her husband who initiated the split. She may be more distressed than she's showing. Also, it's early days - they might still make peace.

Maybe her current reaction is her way of dealing with the break up? Surely it was even harder on her and she lost even more money? No one made you spend that much and if you couldn’t afford it you shouldn’t have done so

you are being unreasonable. No one held a gun to your head and made you pay out or go to any of the hen do's, let alone 3!

Maybe I'm biased, My marriage was short, 3 months. But that was because he was an addict and a drunk and then announced he was gay. (He got clean before the wedding, promising he loved me more than the stuff, I foolishly believed him.)

But to everyone on the outside he was this great fun person. Behind closed doors was a different thing.

I too laughed it off, but inside I was dying. Shame, upset, confusion. You know what I needed? A friend. One that didn't judge, one that actually cared.
But like you, my friends were peeved at the marriage ending so soon. (And mine was cheap as chips).

Maybe try supporting her rather than being bitter and she might actually open up about the reality.