AIBU to be annoyed that friends marriage is over after 2weeks!

[Littlewhitedoves]

AIBU to be annoyed at spending so much money on my friends dream wedding day for it all to be a sham and over in a matter of weeks. I know it sounds selfish but I can't help feeling so upset at the amount of effort I went to and money I spent on making it amazing for her. She is being so blasé about the whole situation and laughing about it being the shortest marriage, she knew it wasn't going to last etc. I've tried speaking to her seriously about it to get a better understanding. We knew he maybe wasn't the right fit for her and I could totally understand her decision if it was a DV situation but she said they are not right for each other. She said she didn't want to let people down and would've been embarrassed to cancel. She wanted her fairytale day and the wedding of dreams.

Three Hen Do's, one in Tenerife, one at home and a UK trip also bottomless brunches, dress try ons with lunches. The hotel for the wedding was £450 for a room to stay over plus every other expense that goes with a wedding, outfits, shoes, bag, make up, drinks. That takes me to a few thousand pounds easily. Then don't get me started on the wedding gift!! Just makes me so mad. I surely can't be the only one feeling like this!?

She gave no indication that there was anything wrong in the relationship and I understand totally that you never know what is going on behind closed doors. Obviously her happiness comes first and is more important than money but it has just irked me that I spent so much and put so much effort into little details to make it really special and essentially the guests funded a day for her to feel like a princess and it was never about getting married.

YANBU Op I'd be annoyed too.

That said, as others have pointed out - your spending vast amounts of money on everything was on you. That was your choice.

I certainly wouldn't do all that for her next wedding! Or anyone elses to be fair. Look upon it as a life lesson learnt and move on.

You only feel it's a waste of money because her marriage only lasted 2 weeks. You would have still spent that amount of money regardless how long her marriage lasted.

Your friend must be hurting badly, such a terrible terrible time for her, her whole planned future just pulled out from underneath her. Of course she's putting on a brave face and using humour as bravado. Instead of bitching and griping do something to support her.

Even if the marriage had lasted forever, that is a ridiculous amount of money to spend or expect friends to spend on a wedding. Three hen parties???

I also don't understand the urge to throw so much money at a wedding - the inexorable growth of pre-wedding "events" baffles me.

A friend's granddaughter and fiance are absolutely skint (having recently bought their first home together and she's still a student). A mate asked him to be best man, he agreed and then got it dropped on them that it's a destination wedding on the other side of the world - the flights alone will cost thousands. They can't remotely afford it - but are prevaricating because he's already agreed to be best man.

WHY do people do this to friend's?

So spending a lot of money makes something perfect?, that's plain weird

Time to learn about what makes a real friendship. Spending money didn't show you were a good friend, being there for her now will.

Yep, it's annoying and that was too much to spend. Do you want to trash the friendship for it though?

I am always amazed at what people spend. My wedding cost something in the region of £500 including licence, dress hire and rings. And I thought that was a rip-off.😆

This

Been there, done that! Same expense laid out. Only for them to part within a month, because bride was having an affair when they said their vows!
And this is one of the reasons why I don't go to expensive hen dos that involve nights away! Somebody else getting married, shouldn't cost guests hundreds or thousands! Especially when lots of them don't make it past a year.
It wasnt that your friend didnt want to let everyone down. If she was thinking of them, she wouldnt have them paying out hundreds for her sham wedding.
Cut your losses and learn a lesson.

If this moronic woman was my friend and didn't pay me back the money I'd spent on the hotel, plus wedding present, I'd never speak to her again tbh.

The 3 hen dos are on you tho. I wouldn't even go on 3 hen do's for my sister.

I'd be annoyed too. Lesson learnt not to spend shitloads of money on other people's weddings.

She may be hurting inside and it may just be a front?

And agree that gifts should be returned.

You would think it would be this.

I have known a couple of wedding obsessive women though who were so determined to have the "perfect" day they forgot it was actually the start of a marriage rather than one show off day. The actual husbands and relationships paled into insignificance next to the Instagram opportunity. Really shocking how over the top they become during 2/3 years of planning.

They were both headed for divorce by around 5/6 years in.

I can never understand the "it's too late" mentality. Surely it's better to cancel 2 weeks before than 2 weeks after. Even if you still have your guests for food and drinks if paid for.

This is what happens when the focus is on the fairy tale wedding rather than the marriage itself.

Yes, that is quite mad. The money would have been gone from your account, and you would have gone to the same effort, presumably, if the marriage has lasted 50 years. Decline hen dos you can't afford (and anyone who attends three is crazy!), and wear clothes you already own to be a wedding guest. Decline being a bridesmaid if it's going to involve a lot of money from you.

You are in fact going along with the whole wedding industry-sponsored Specialest Day of Your Life nonsense. You blame your friend for doing so, but you're at least also partly responsible.

I didn't spend nearly as much on my own wedding as you did on your friends -- we got married with two witnesses in a register office and went for a fancy lunch afterwards, and it still came in under £500.

Oh my, how tacky... (the bride, not the OP!) 😂😂😂

And you could whistle for it. There's no legal recourse for returning gifts. The clue is in the name.

How utterly mean and tight to ask for gifts back, but particularly when you don't know the circumstances.

I would never ask for a gift back but I definitely think the bride and groom should return theirs, especially as so many people give generous amounts of money nowadays. Are they really going to keep it and spend it?

Yes I agree, this is all done in good faith that the marriage is genuine to wish them well and have fun together as friends.

Some posters on MN can be very parsimonious regarding weddings - or any celebration really including birthdays for adults.

I'd be pissed off too but assuming it's a brave face for now and give support until she's able to talk about it properly.

If she genuinely did just want "her day" despite strong doubts, I'd be wondering who she was as a moral person and if I wanted to stay friends.

God I hate reverse snobbery about weddings. Why does it make you any better that you spent hardly anything?

We spent ten grand on ours twenty years ago, we could afford it, 120 guests had a fucking blast and still talk about what a great day it was.

She is probably putting on a brave face and also is only fully aware in hindsight it wouldn’t last, that sort of realisation often only hits you in the moment you are doing it ie at the altar.

I had a very short marriage though slightly longer than that and he did hit me shortly before the wedding but I still went through with it, things were bad between us anyway but it’s easy to blame that on various factors, wedding stress, nerves, money, any other issues in your relationship - and when you’re barrelling towards the wedding day it really isn’t easy to just stop and your feelings are very confused. Would you have felt any better if you spent the money on hen dos etc and she called it off right before the wedding? Obviously we don’t know (probably neither do you) exactly what has gone on here but I know I’d be gutted if any of my friends thought what happened with me was a sham. She is probably devastated and very embarrassed, and not all marriages work out - and as I say that often doesn’t become clear until you actually do it.

You shouldn't have to. ANY decent person would be returning gifts.