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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask to see DS doing a wee?

209 replies

PleasedToBeAFlower · 12/10/2023 09:47

Does anyone out there have experience of boys unable to aim or direct their flow of urine??
My 12 year old DS cannot manage to aim in to the toilet bowl. Every time he has a wee, it goes all over the toilet lid and seat (which he has lifted up, obviously), all over the back of the hinges of the seat, down the sides of the toilet and sprays all over the floor!!!
What is going on?!
This is a new thing.
Never used to happen as a younger boy.
We've really talked to him about this as it's making the bathroom smell of urine, and we've had to throw out 2 fabric baskets that sat next to the toilet holding loo rolls, because they got entrenched in his wee and smelt of urine despite being washed.
DS is actually really embarrassed about it, he panics when it happens and is often seen wiping it all up off the floor with tissue after going to toilet, looking mortified if we see him.
He has said he hates it but that his wee 'squirts up everywhere' and he says he tries really hard but cannot control the aim.
DH gets really annoyed about it because we are forever scrubbing the toilet and floor. He's talked to him about positioning, aim, holding himself correctly, etc. DS says he does all that but the wee literally squirts up and out all over the place.
We've asked him to sit down on the toilet seat when he has a wee, but he says he can't because it hurts to push his penis down enough to stop the wee squirting on to the seat.
I feel I need to watch him have a wee so I can see what's happening but is this unreasonable at his age??
I've said to him we may need to discuss this problem with GP and he looked grief stricken!
Is there anyone with experience in this who can advise?

OP posts:
SeptemberSuns · 12/10/2023 11:18

Why is a 12-year old unable to clean up his own mess? All this enabling of children makes them useless adults. If he has a problem then arrange for this to be assessed by a professional but for Gods sake stop cleaning up his mess and get him to do it himself. I'm sure the problem would be much better, he's 12 not 2!

EmpressSoleil · 12/10/2023 11:19

Your dh should be helping your ds with this, not getting cross

This. I'm not sure why this is on you when it would likely be much more comfortable for your DS to have his dad supporting him with whatever the issue is, going to the GP with him etc.

allgrownupnow · 12/10/2023 11:20

One of my DS had a tight foreskin when he was young, the gp suggested a wait and see approach as it wasn't causing him too much discomfort. Options are a cream or a snip. But also, which is what happened for him, is that it can correct itself during puberty when it all changes significantly.
As your son is 12, it probably will be a wait and see and finding a workaround for the pee situation in the meantime.
Taking him to the GP, while embarrassing in the moment, also lets him know that it is not his failing and so not to feel ashamed of himself.

whynotwhatknot · 12/10/2023 11:20

no it shouldnt hurt to pull back the foreskin

my dh had to have a circumsionaround age 10 because it hurt him and in the end couldnt even pee

Ducksurprise · 12/10/2023 11:21

@SeptemberSuns have you spoken to a professional to address your lack of reading comprehension?

Jellycats4life · 12/10/2023 11:22

My first thought was that it could be phimosis interfering with the flow of urine. This is obviously way more than carelessness.

That needs a GP visit I’m afraid. And of course he’s going to be mortified, but it’s a good life lesson for a boy and hopefully might set him up for a future of not being embarrassed and doctor-avoidant as so many men are.

Moldywarpedalright · 12/10/2023 11:22

PleasedToBeAFlower · 12/10/2023 11:01

@70sDuvet and @Moldywarpedalright
No-one is reprimanding him!
Nowhere have I said this!
I am absolutely not reprimanding him or in any way making him feel bad!
I said DH is getting annoyed about all the cleaning but I didn't say DH is getting annoyed AT OUR SON!
Of course he isn't letting DS know if he gets annoyed! And of course he's not letting him see or hear his comments! DH is being lovely and supportive towards DS about it when he talks to him about it, and he's being nothing but practical and nice about it in front of him when he cleans it up if DS is still present and asks for help.
Doesn't mean DH isn't saying TO ME when DS is out of the house "God PleasedToBeAFlower I'm getting fed up with cleaning these toilets multiple times a day!" And "I scrubbed this toilet earlier and now it's covered in wee again!" And "I've just trodden in wee!" whilst in his socks on the way out to work.
No-one, however, is reprimanding DS or treating him with anything other than love and support.
I've had some really great and helpful replies to my post, but I've had some really irritating ones too.

My apologies op! Your opening post was open to misinterpretation. I’m sorry that I got the wrong end of the stick. Very happy to hear that your husband is being supportive. Hope you are all able to sort this problem soon.

weirdoboelady · 12/10/2023 11:24

overand · 12/10/2023 11:06

My husband says after he has orgasmed he has to sit down to wee as he can't control the stream and it goes everywhere.

If it's a recent thing and given your son's age, maybe it could be related to masterbating?

This is the most sensible post so far! He's 12. If he has discovered sex, he is going to be wanking a lot, and this is the most likely explanation. I understand it is supposed to be impossible to pee with an erection (although if he has found out how to, this would explain a lot), but my immediate go to, given his reaction, was that it's something to do with his puberty and he doesn't want people prying into his private developmental stuff. Have you asked him if it's anything to do with erections? Normalising talking about the problem sounds like the best way forward..... My suspicion is that he is toe curlingly embarrassed about having (what he sees as) inappropriate erections almost all the time.....

PhilomenaFunbags · 12/10/2023 11:25

@PleasedToBeAFlower this happened with my nephew. It was a combination of his foreskin being too tight and a short urethra. He was younger when it occurred (only 4/5 at the time) and was complicated by the fact he also had quite a small penis (when he sits down even attempting to push it down really means it's facing out iykwim)

DB took him to the GP, he was younger so the embarrassment wasn't what I know you'll have with a preteen. This resulted in a hospital referral and problem was sorted by him being circumcised.

user1498572889 · 12/10/2023 11:25

This happened to my husband. It was a medical problem and he ended up having a small procedure then later he was circumcised. It has happened once since then something to do with a small bit of skin growing where it shouldnt. he needed another small procedure.

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 12/10/2023 11:27

EmpressSoleil · 12/10/2023 11:19

Your dh should be helping your ds with this, not getting cross

This. I'm not sure why this is on you when it would likely be much more comfortable for your DS to have his dad supporting him with whatever the issue is, going to the GP with him etc.

Why do people assume that just because the child is a boy it means he’s automatically more comfortable with his dad and so his mum should back off?! It’s really odd.

I’m pretty sure there are lots of young boys out there who would rather talk to their mum about any worries with their health problems than they would their dad, even if it was a problem related to genitals or sex etc.

My son is 10 and has had previous issues with his testicles and he needs ongoing monitoring and we have a list of ‘warning signs’ that would indicate he’d need to see a medical professional and it’s always me he comes to when he has any worries and I can well imagine he’d still come to me when he’s older rather than his dad.

I think it’s really unfair and inappropriate to imply to the OP that she’s getting too involved just because her child is a boy and it’s should be “dad’s job” to deal with ‘boy problems’.

How about we let OP just be concerned for her son in the same way any mother would be regardless of their child’s sex and allow her son to make decisions as to who he feels the most comfortable with.

Isittimeformynapyet · 12/10/2023 11:29

recoveringa · 12/10/2023 10:34

My partner and child only ever pee sitting down - could that be an alternative?

I know you mean well, but if you actually read the OP you'll see that this has already been addressed.

Original poster
PleasedToBeAFlower · 12/10/2023 11:34

HeadAgainstWall0923 · 12/10/2023 11:27

Why do people assume that just because the child is a boy it means he’s automatically more comfortable with his dad and so his mum should back off?! It’s really odd.

I’m pretty sure there are lots of young boys out there who would rather talk to their mum about any worries with their health problems than they would their dad, even if it was a problem related to genitals or sex etc.

My son is 10 and has had previous issues with his testicles and he needs ongoing monitoring and we have a list of ‘warning signs’ that would indicate he’d need to see a medical professional and it’s always me he comes to when he has any worries and I can well imagine he’d still come to me when he’s older rather than his dad.

I think it’s really unfair and inappropriate to imply to the OP that she’s getting too involved just because her child is a boy and it’s should be “dad’s job” to deal with ‘boy problems’.

How about we let OP just be concerned for her son in the same way any mother would be regardless of their child’s sex and allow her son to make decisions as to who he feels the most comfortable with.

Show quote history

@HeadAgainstWall0923
Thank you!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
PleasedToBeAFlower · 12/10/2023 11:35

@Isittimeformynapyet
Thank you too!

OP posts:
ElderMillenials · 12/10/2023 11:38

If he's saying it hurts to pull the foreskin back then it could be too tight, it's a pretty simple operation to correct it.

The hurting sitting down is odd, I'd assume by 12 there wouldn't be hands needed as it just sort of hangs?

Totally understand being mortified at a GP examining, maybe explain that the GP isn't looking 'at' his penis/they see them all the time and it is very private. If it is a tight foreskin he could end up with an infection.

Original poster
PleasedToBeAFlower · 12/10/2023 11:41

00100001 · 12/10/2023 10:55

another vote for making him clean up the mess he makes... he might suddenly be able to aim properly

Oh do bore off.

OP posts:
Someoneonlyyouknow · 12/10/2023 11:41

Your son is obviously worried as well and your DH needs to stop being annoyed at something the poor boy can't control. If anyone watches it should be DH.
GP visit seems in order, maybe get DS to think beforehand about how long this has been a problem and if it's worse at certain times of day (full bladder?) Be calm and matter of fact - using the correct names for body parts might help remove some of the embarrassment.
You could also try Internet searches to see if you can find appropriate information. Without getting obsessive it might throw up an easy solution or at least reassure that other people have successfully corrected this issue

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/10/2023 11:43

We've asked him to sit down on the toilet seat when he has a wee, but he says he can't because it hurts to push his penis down enough to stop the wee squirting on to the seat

That sounds like he has an erection when he's trying to pee. Does it happen more in the morning?

Does he know how to wash himself properly as well? Nastiness under the foreskin can cause jetstreams to go off in all directions.

@PleasedToBeAFlower I had a situation with my older boys, I wasn't sure whether them (twins) not noticeably starting puberty was an issue. I called the doc for a phone appointment for me, discussed it with her, and ultimately decided on a f2f appointment for both boys with a male doc. Their dad took them. We framed it as a normal checkup for teenagers - you could do something similar, but you ask the doc about it first so whoever sees your son can gently steer the conversation.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 12/10/2023 11:43

IncomingTraffic · 12/10/2023 10:02

Why is grief stricken at going to the GP?

The issue is likely medical. There’s no need to feel upset or ashamed about having a medical issue.

Can you frame this positively for him instead?

I can't believe youre querying why a12 Yr old would be grief stricken about going to the GPs.
He is already upset about the situation and now an unknown person will want to look at and exame his genitals!!
With our adult understanding we know its the sensible going to do but he's 12 and I can't imagine ANY 12yr old being comfortable with that.

Look at how many women don't go for smears or men with prostrate difficulties etc.

MeinKraft · 12/10/2023 11:46

Don't ask to watch him pee. Given that he's said it hurts to pull his foreskin back he needs to see a GP. Focus your energies on helping him feel more confident about his appointment.

pollymere · 12/10/2023 11:46

Men DIE from being too ashamed to show their genitals to Drs. (So do women).

It strikes me that he needs to get foreskin and testicles checked out. He should be able to pee sitting down without issues.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 12/10/2023 11:46

I also think you're doing yourself and him a disservice by not making him clear it up properly. If he doesn't know how to, teach him. If he does and he isn't doing it properly for whatever reason, make him. You don't get a pass on clearly up your mess just because it was an accident.

Motherofjessie · 12/10/2023 11:46

He really needs to see a GP. There are several problems that can cause this and best to be sorted when he is young than in his teens. The urethral opening could be on top or underneath instead of at the end of the penis, the foreskin may be stuck down. It is not his fault and GPs will be used to dealing with this kind of problem. It can affect his sex life when older and cause embarrassment in toilets when friends are there. Please take him or get his father or an uncle to take him if he won't go with you.

Needmorelego · 12/10/2023 11:47

He might feel embarrassed about going to the doctor but remind him that there are basically 3 types of people who are allowed to see his private parts - 1 - his parents, 2 -any future sexual partners and 3 - doctors/nurses.
Tell him that to a doctor it's no different than seeing his arm or a foot - it's just a body part.
Probably better for him to go with his Dad and (if possible) see a male doctor.

StripeyDeckchair · 12/10/2023 11:48

This I definitely something his Dad should be doing, then off to the Drs if there's a genuine issue.

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