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AIBU?

AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

398 replies

RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:09

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.
I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.
He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TolkiensFallow · 11/10/2023 20:12

I stand with you.

We don’t put pics up for very similar reasons and it’s completely justified.

RowenaEllis · 11/10/2023 20:12

This isn't Reddit!! What is with the constant reddit style posts at the moment??
YANBU (because this is AIBU not AITA)

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/10/2023 20:12

Well they are out of order, but you are being weird about it (unless there is something wrong that you don't want to disclose).

ihateaparade · 11/10/2023 20:13

NTA...they are throwing a tantrum because they don't want to follow your rules.
They sound like a nightmare to deal with..."suppressing the joy of grandparents", LOL.

minipie · 11/10/2023 20:13

YANBU about the pictures

YABU if you both knew the sex but refused to tell grandparents etc, that’s a bit twattish IMO.

Coldinscotland · 11/10/2023 20:14

Report the photo to the platform.. And now she gets no more pics. Ever...

ColleenDonaghy · 11/10/2023 20:14

YANBU about social media, but SINBU to want to share photos of her lovely new grandchild with her friends. Come up with a way that you're happy with - WhatsApp, a different app, get her some printed photos as a last resort but that's a faff.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 11/10/2023 20:14

Well that would be the last photo I send them.

Not even joking.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 11/10/2023 20:14

You gave birth this week? Why on earth are you bothering with all this?

Enjoy your baby, you don't get these days back

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 11/10/2023 20:15

Coldinscotland · 11/10/2023 20:14

Report the photo to the platform.. And now she gets no more pics. Ever...

Am guessing she will take her own pics

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 11/10/2023 20:15

YANBU to restrict photos of your child on SM.

The solution to this isn't to try to control other people, which is 100% what you're doing. It's to not share the photos with people you don't trust around SM.

The baby is as much their grandchild as she is your child. She's a lucky child for that to be so.

RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:16

YABU if you both knew the sex but refused to tell grandparents etc, that’s a bit twattish IMO.

A) no one is entitled to know
b) they told us DS was a girl

OP posts:
oldestmumaintheworld · 11/10/2023 20:16

I'm old enough to be a granny, although I'm not one, and I agree wholeheartedly with you. Irrespective of your work (and that should be reason enough) your parents need to stop with the, 'hurt grandparent ' nonsense. Just because your lovely child had a beautiful child of their own doesn't mean you can ride roughshod over their wishes. End of.

HarperMae · 11/10/2023 20:16

I mean yeah she was in the wrong, but you are being really controlling about the go ahead and specific pictures I suppose. Sounds like it's forever going to be a lot of drama.

ColleenDonaghy · 11/10/2023 20:18

RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:16

YABU if you both knew the sex but refused to tell grandparents etc, that’s a bit twattish IMO.

A) no one is entitled to know
b) they told us DS was a girl

Agreed, but why would you not just say you hadn't found out. Saying you know but you're not sharing is kind of just dangling the info in front of them.

DiaryLouise · 11/10/2023 20:18

Yanbu about the photo. I think this is an area where some people don’t grasp the significance and just see it as equivalent to showing a printed photo to a friend. I haven’t out any image of my (now big) children on SM for about 15 years.

readingmakesmehappy · 11/10/2023 20:19

Suggest you message along the lines of:
As you know, my job - which I love and am very good at - involves dealing with some very unpleasant people. If they were to find identifying details of me or our family online, we could be in danger. There are people out there who would want to hurt (many name). For this reason we want to ensure that there are no identifying images of her online. It is to keep her safe. I am really sad that you are putting updating your friends ahead of your grandchild's safety. Please please delete that picture and please promise me you won't do it again.

FloweryName · 11/10/2023 20:19

I’d let it go this time, but tell them you won’t forgive them if it happens again. I understand that due to your jobs it’s an issue for you, but it’s easy to get things out of perspective when you have a brand new human to look after.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 11/10/2023 20:21

Yanbu I would stand your ground now with both her and your DH. You're a postpartum mum and your views should be respected and tell her she won't be sent any more pics of the baby until she's removed it

sprigatito · 11/10/2023 20:21

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 11/10/2023 20:15

YANBU to restrict photos of your child on SM.

The solution to this isn't to try to control other people, which is 100% what you're doing. It's to not share the photos with people you don't trust around SM.

The baby is as much their grandchild as she is your child. She's a lucky child for that to be so.

That's a weird comment. A grandparent has no legal rights and no responsibility. It's a completely different relationship and one that only works if the grandparent respects the parents' boundaries.

No more photos. You need to stand your ground, because your parents are manipulative boundary-tramplers; you don't want your dd's childhood to be spoiled by petty power struggles with them. If they can't accept that she's your child and you make the decisions, don't see them.

Purplebunnie · 11/10/2023 20:21

Good grief, I uploaded a picture of my DGC's foot to FB as DD didn't want pictures on social media.

We didn't know the sex because DD didn't know the sex and if they had and didn't want to tell us then that's fine. It's their baby

WillowCraft · 11/10/2023 20:23

We asked our family not to put photos on and they did as we asked. They're free to share photos via other means. It was not a big deal although I think they were a little disappointed at first. In our case we haven't even mentioned our child online, no birth announcement etc.

However you are going to struggle with this as your child gets older. Primary schools, brownies, sports clubs are forever posting online even if you ask them not to.

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 11/10/2023 20:23

Your baby your choice and all that but you do sound a bit precious.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 11/10/2023 20:24

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/10/2023 20:12

Well they are out of order, but you are being weird about it (unless there is something wrong that you don't want to disclose).

She already disclosed. Her field of work.

Jifmicroliquid · 11/10/2023 20:25

My brother and SIL asked us all to keep any photos or things off SM of their baby. We all respected their wishes and have never put any pictures or even posts about the baby up. It’s not our baby, it’s theirs. Some of my friends are shocked to find out I have a niece as they had no idea.
Your parents have been hugely disrespectful and I’d be seriously annoyed about this.

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