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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

398 replies

RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:09

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 20:25

At least you know first thing that they don't respect you or your parenting. You can behave accordingly. No overnights, no cameras in DC's face, no babysitting.

FWIW my DF thinks some of the decisions I made were batshit (no artificial sugar for ages!) but respected them regardless.

Teachingteacher · 11/10/2023 20:26

I’ve had the same happen to me OP, with my own parents. Their need for validation online is really sad. I haven’t had any social media for the last 5 years, and I really don’t understand it.

I thought we’d made our wishes clear, but I discovered over the summer that my DF had been sharing photos of my DC on another app (Strava) that I don’t use.

I don’t want to stop sending them photos, as they live on the other side of the world from me. But they are so obsessed with showing off the grandkids it’s like it blinds them to all logic and reason.

Ive had plenty of safeguarding training as a teacher, and will personally never share photos of my DC online.

blushroses6 · 11/10/2023 20:26

I do share images of my DD on my private social media accounts, not in profile pictures etc. However, I completely understand why people choose not to. I don’t particularly like family members sharing pictures of my baby online without asking, because I don’t know who they may have on social media or their privacy settings etc. It is your baby so yanbu at all, I don’t understand why some grandparents can be so ridiculously entitled. Posting pictures online is so different to grandparents showing close friends a photo in person, which you seem to be happy for them to do anyway.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 11/10/2023 20:26

Report the photo, have it removed and inform your parents you won't be sharing anymore.

If they can't respect your boundaries now what the hell are they going to ignore as your child grows

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 20:27

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 11/10/2023 20:23

Your baby your choice and all that but you do sound a bit precious.

All the SWs, police officers and others like that I know are very careful and don't post identifying pictures of kids. Your 'precious' is our 'not batshit careless'.

Universalsnail · 11/10/2023 20:30

It is your choice what images of your child go online. Personally I would now remove them from social media so they can't see anything you do share if anything about your child and I wouldnt send them any photos of your child because you can't trust them with them. It doesn't matter if they think your boundaries are silly they are your boundaries and you expressed them clearly.

Maray1967 · 11/10/2023 20:31

SausageAndEggSandwich · 11/10/2023 20:14

Well that would be the last photo I send them.

Not even joking.

Yes, same for me. No one puts pics of my DC on social media without my permission.

EvilElsa · 11/10/2023 20:31

It's all very dramatic.
That said, grandparents should have respected your wishes with regards to photos and it's pretty sad that their joy is dependent on social media reactions. The "whoops" comment would have really pissed me off as it clearly wasn't an accident at all.
I'd block them from seeing any further/future photos that you post online in the restricted albums and wouldn't send them anymore photos. This won't solve the issue of them taking photos when they visit unfortunately. You can try reporting to Facebook to get the photo removed but I had issues with that when estranged FIL nicked photos from my page (this is years ago) of DD and posted on his. Facebook wouldn't remove them.

Moonwatcher1234 · 11/10/2023 20:32

Don’t understand this trend of people posting a foot as if they are a-list Celebs with the world clamouring to get a glimpse of the baby. How about not posting anything?

Allthingsdecember · 11/10/2023 20:33

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 11/10/2023 20:15

YANBU to restrict photos of your child on SM.

The solution to this isn't to try to control other people, which is 100% what you're doing. It's to not share the photos with people you don't trust around SM.

The baby is as much their grandchild as she is your child. She's a lucky child for that to be so.

But being a grandparent is nothing like being a parent. She has no right to make any decision about her grandchild, and that includes whether photos are shared on social media.

It doesn’t matter if she agrees with this decision or not. She just needs to respect the parents’ wishes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 20:35

Moonwatcher1234 · 11/10/2023 20:32

Don’t understand this trend of people posting a foot as if they are a-list Celebs with the world clamouring to get a glimpse of the baby. How about not posting anything?

Some of us have jobs where people actively wish us ill, want us dead in some cases.

Apart of the fact that I believe DC should have the right, when they are old enough, to post or not post their own pictures. Not have 20 years of crap someone else thought was cute.

JamesCricket · 11/10/2023 20:36

Yes YATA. What are these cyber criminals supposed to do with a picture of your week-old baby’s face, put out a hit on him/her? There is no logic here just extreme paranoia. Stop being TA and lighten up.

carddino · 11/10/2023 20:36

What do you mean they told us DS was a girl?
who?
enjoy your baby. You won’t get these days back.

Gemstar3 · 11/10/2023 20:40

YANBU, I find this completely unacceptable and I would be livid in your shoes. I’d definitely report the post and get it taken down.

Does your DM use WhatsApp? If so, I’d only be sharing photos very infrequently and turning on the single view feature until she got the message. If not, honestly no photos until she learned to respect my boundaries.

FWIW we have this rule with our DC and explained to grandparents that, as DC obviously couldn’t give permission to have photos of them shared online, we wouldn’t be sharing any until they were old enough to take that decision. The grandparents totally understood when we expressed it in this way. Perhaps when things calm down, you could use some of your work knowledge to educate DPs a bit in a way that they’ll understand it’s to protect the DC?

roseopose · 11/10/2023 20:42

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 20:27

All the SWs, police officers and others like that I know are very careful and don't post identifying pictures of kids. Your 'precious' is our 'not batshit careless'.

Show quote history

Totally agree, I used to work with offenders and once had one who I hadn't worked with for months randomly send an email (to my work address) saying he liked my cats and had I had them long? I knew he had been on my as private as can be Facebook page searched his name and blocked him immediately. It might seem innocuous but it really shakes you knowing that someone you work with in a professional capacity has seen details of your personal life, and there is also the possibility they could use these to cause you or your family harm, far fetched as that may seem to others. For this reason I don't put pics of DD on social media, and ask family not to also. YANBU.

WonderingWanda · 11/10/2023 20:45

Gently hint that by not respecting your boundaries they are going to do more than take the joy out of their grandparenting experience, they will end up totally excluding themselves from it. Their choice. First grandchild and they are clearly struggling with the concept of not being in charge any more.

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 11/10/2023 20:46

I'm a new and very excited grandparent. It wouldn't have occurred to me to share something that my DC hadn't shared. Sharing on social media was never something I felt I had a right to do. Like you, my DC is happy for me to show photos to my friends but I don't need to share on FB to do that.

Bex5490 · 11/10/2023 20:46

Think the grandparents are bang out of order for this. Your child - your choice about social media posts.

Out of interest, can I ask why you didn’t want to share the sex of the baby? I had a cousin that did this and they new but kept it a secret from all of our family. It kind of felt like we were all playing along with this game pretending that we all cared about the ‘surprise’ when in reality it was only them that the sex was a big deal.

I mean it’s only going to be a boy or a girl…massive suspense filled news for parents - not so much for extended family 🤷🏽‍♀️

coxesorangepippin · 11/10/2023 20:48

Totally agree with the op.

DD has a gym class and it stated in the course description that photos and videos are not allowed.

On the first day of the course, practically every parent was filming. I told the instructors it should stop. Second day of the course, they were still fucking filming and taking pictures. I emailed the manger. It seems to have finally stopped on the third day.

People have no care

momonpurpose · 11/10/2023 20:48

HarperMae · 11/10/2023 20:16

I mean yeah she was in the wrong, but you are being really controlling about the go ahead and specific pictures I suppose. Sounds like it's forever going to be a lot of drama.

Your baby your rules but your parents are right you have sucked the joy out

Original poster
RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:48

carddino · 11/10/2023 20:36

What do you mean they told us DS was a girl?
who?
enjoy your baby. You won’t get these days back.

Sonographers

OP posts:
junbean · 11/10/2023 20:49

YANBU. At all.

Original poster
RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:50

WonderingWanda · 11/10/2023 20:45

Gently hint that by not respecting your boundaries they are going to do more than take the joy out of their grandparenting experience, they will end up totally excluding themselves from it. Their choice. First grandchild and they are clearly struggling with the concept of not being in charge any more.

Not the first grandchild. Sister has two but she's more lax/ less educated in this area than me and DH are.

OP posts:
Namechangenamechanged · 11/10/2023 20:51

So much drama…

theleafandnotthetree · 11/10/2023 20:51

Fucking hell social media has a lot to answer for, I am so glad I have nothing to do with it. This time, which should be a time of happiness and family love and harmony around the coming of the next generation turns into a kind of semi dystopian psychodrama/melodrama. Just put the fucking cameras away, all new babies look pretty much the same (and not at all becoming let's be honest) and just enjoy the feel and the rhythm of it. Everyone in this sad little tale is a bit wrong but ultimately it's the extent to which we have collectively allowed this fake bullshit world to consume us that is the real problem..