AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

[RomaniIteDomum]

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

@RomaniIteDomum people are weird. Of course YANBU. She can change the photo on the post. I’d report it and not send them any more photos. To the poster who said it’s as much their baby as a grandchild as the OPs. Nope. They have no power over that child. People don’t understand the need for security for certain jobs and how easy it is to look through Facebook and tagged posts even when locked down. If they have ever commented on a local pizza place review that comes up in a search and your area is narrowed down etc.

I think you need to have a Frank conversation with them about your reasons - maybe tell them some shocking stories to put the fear into them too.

My husband also works in a similar related role & doesn’t have any social media. He has Facebook for ‘research’ for his job but he never post anything & he does t use his name.

I think unfortunately the majority of people now think it’s ok to share every part of they’re life on social media & that’s fine but it isn’t without risks & maybe you just need to outline these risks a bit more forcefully to your parents.

That ^^

My friend doesn't share photos of her children's faces on Facebook and everyone knows this
Her mum will do exactly the same as my friend does and take a photo from the back or use emojis/blur

It is a bit ridiculous though, if you don’t want your children on social media just don’t post, no need to give your friends, family of other people who put up with your paranoias glimpses of your kids’ body parts 🤣

In the context it seemed to be said quite aggressively; the GPs refused when asked to remove the picture. I got the impression that they were going to be very demanding.

I've got a large family on my mum's side and sometimes we play this game of 'guess who' from albums. There's always so much confusion! We don't all look alike because we're related it's cousins, extended family, people who married in etc.

No clue. It also doesn't help that we're not white and so most have the same hair, eye and skin colours!

I agree the mum's wishes should be respected but OP didn't give a blanket rule. She said 'private sharing but no social media'.

Which is meaningless because

• even if OP's mother didn't post it, any one of the 'private share' people could have.

• You can make social media posts visible to only a small amount of people, it wouldn't be publicly searchable so what's the point?

The only way to keep something private is to not share. All all. Or use a medium that can't be copied, there are data transfer apps that prevent screenshots + delete the messages once opened.

I also think 'joy of being a GP' is silly especially as OP already has children.

Yep report it

I totally agree with you, she was probably afraid they would buy a pink dress, but of course if she really does not adhere to gender roles there is nothing wrong with putting a pink dress kn a boy or girl. Everything the op has said comes across as controlling and a bit wreird

I am cringing at some of the responses on this thread, because it is crystal clear that this is ALL about control with so many pps, who are salivating at the thought of having something they think is tangible they can beat their parents up over. Let's show them you are MUCH better parents than they were, eh?
I seriously worry about this generation of children, being brought up in isolation with no social contact with anyone unless it is pre-approved by the parents (usually the mother). They are going to have no idea about social interaction and making friends.
This is such a non-event, yet pps are champing at the bit to cut contact entirely, obviously delighted that they now have a perfect human pawn to control others with, dressed up as advocating for the child. It's nonsense.
And as for the poster who was outraged her mum or MIL (I can't remember which) had the audacity to call her grandchild her grandchild, words fails me. Imagine being so possessive you would do that, don't they know the baby is the mum's new toy and she is very possessive about it?
And I think new mum get cut far too much slack too. Being a few days post-partum does not give you a free pass to behave like an utter arse, regardless of what some on this thread have said.
And finally, you do explain yourself in a very stilted, officious way. No warmth, no familiarity, just corporatespeak. Is this baby your latest project?

Maybe I'm more sensitive to this as I have been stalked and constantly have to remind my dad not to post pictures publicly of my DC as he 'forgets'. But on my Dad's public facebook page he shares,
His full name
DOB
School he went to
Where he works
Wife's details, including maiden name
Pictures of my niece in the bath, in full school uniform, on her birthday, dancing. All if her milestones.
His daily strava route including his home address (shared mine before I asked him to remove it when he biked to mine).
When he is going on holiday.
It's pure stupidity.

I agree. But the grandmother is not posting any of that.

So sorry this happened. Next time don't allow them to take photographs if they can't abide by your wishes. The only positive is that she will quickly change in looks so be harder to ID.

Not another ‘I worry about this generation’ comment…
You’ve missed the point entirely and put this down to OP being a ‘total arse’.
It’s not about control, it’s about picking your battles: personally my MIL has sent me photos of my kids eating bowls of ice cream at 9:15am fgs - Nanny rules apply when she’s looking after them so I let them get on with it (even though it wouldn’t happen at home) because it’s not negatively impacting me or my child. However posting pictures on FB is a matter of safety and a firm boundary that I’ve set so my MIL would never dream of going against that.
OP clearly set that boundary and it doesn’t really matter if her MIL agrees with the decision or not because it’s not her decision to make. Arguably, this is more a question of the MIL’s inability to relinquish control.

Presumably if you work in cyber and believe people wish to harm you, you aren’t that active on SM and your profiles aren’t under your real names anyway?

As such the grandma putting a photo of your baby up, and even tagging you, won’t expose you. As such, is there any ‘real’ threat or just paranoia on your part here? ‘Unfriend’ the grandma and your profile, without your real name, isn’t even linked to her for those bad people to connect you too?

It is wrong they’ve not respected your wishes.

Sorry but yes you are being very controlling and for them sucking the fun out of being a grandparent.

However you clearly have strong reasons for doing this, though I'm not sure personally how a cyber crim would gain from getting hold of your newborn baby pic, but maybe you could enlighten us on that.

Perhaps you need to spell it out to the olds, the danger, why it's a problem and why specifically you did what you did.
Of course if you don't mend the fence, never mind the boundaries, they'll be giving you and DS distance.

OP, this is about boundaries. The example is small, say your piece, then let it go. But just be minded that you may have to have some tough conversations down the line

I would also like to know exactly what the risk is. Surely the risk is you don't want anyone to know you've had a baby, but you have put that out there yourself.
Or is this one of those general 'I don't want my child on social media' posts, in which case your job has nothing to do with it.
Either way, it's all very dramatic and attention-seeking

A picture can reveal a lot especially if it hadn't been intended to widely spread so revealing details haven't been concealed or cropped out:

• name of the hospital (on a wall sign, blanket etc)
• baby name/hospital number on wrist tag

Once you have a location you can narrow down the area to search for a person in. Of course you already have a big clue - they've got a new baby.

Doting GM has now potentially put all that out in public.

Good luck with school, clubs, kids parties etc going through life. Surely DGP are only sharing with THEIR friends and family on SM anyway

This says what I’m thinking but couldn’t have typed this well.

It is a bit ridiculous though, if you don’t want your children on social media just don’t post, no need to give your friends, family of other people who put up with your paranoias glimpses of your kids’ body parts 🤣

This.
Every family member of the obsessives and paranoids (including the paranoids themselves) have social media accounts and are actively posting on them 🤷
On the other hand, I don’t give a hoot if anyone posts my DS face on socials but no one does and I have zero social media presence. Go figure!

Block grandparents on everything. Never let them take photos of your child, never send them photos of your child, and never leave them in the room with your child alone.

YANBU to not want pictures of your child on SM but should've drawn the line there, rather than try and tell people what or how to post. I personally find the foot pictures pretty contrived and cringey. Enjoy your baby, don't give this so much energy/drama. She is being unreasonable and completely out of order sharing photos without consent though and super entitled to think you had to reveal to her the sex before birth. I'd report the photo definitely and have it removed, or comment underneath so her friends can see you asked her to remove pictures of your child, considering she's concerned how changing the picture would look to her friends, I'm sure she won't want them knowing how she has behaved

Thank goodness mine were born before SM took off. My Mum would probs have been a bit of a pain in the arse, but sadly she dies of cancer before my children were born. Darn, I’d rather she were here .

YANBU when the instructions were very clear. They completely ignored you which is so rude. You are the child's mother, your wishes should've been respected.

I do think you are a little unreasonable to post your announcement on social media at all if its as dangerous as you are making out. Surely if they are close enough friends you could've just text them?