Page 16 | AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

RomaniIteDomum · 2023-10-11T19:09:54+00:00

by expecting boundaries to be respected? I gave birth to a baby earlier this week. Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves. We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends. We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message. "D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified. She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”. I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online) Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”. DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”. He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth. DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries. AIBU?

Vikina · 14/10/2023 21:37

I would never post pictures of another person's child. It's not my place to do so. I have lovely grandchildren but I wouldn't dream of putting their pictures on social media. That's for their parents to do if they wish to.

carpool · 14/10/2023 22:26

Your parents were wrong to (it seems) deliberately go against your expressed wishes. I am a grandparent and would never do that. On the other hand the tone of your posts sounds as though you don't actually like your parents very much, which if so is rather sad (for all of you).

Shantayyoustaysashayaway · 14/10/2023 23:13

@RomaniIteDomum When my dsd was pregnant with our dgd she sent a message to family on all sides saying she was setting up a group on fb specifically for photos of the baby from/for family to see. If anyone disrespected her & dsils decision they would be chucked out of the group & not recieve anymore photos. I rarely go on fb & they don't appear as much as dgd is nearly 3 but I get sent tons of pics & videos of her & we get video called almost daily.
It's your child & your choice whether you want unmonitored pics on SM & family from all sides need to respect that.

Happypotatoman · 15/10/2023 05:52

Mumkins42 · 12/10/2023 18:24

No one cares at all about your baby pictures. Or anyone's kids pictures. This is the truth. We all just play a game of liking when we don't really give a crap.

It's just an excercise in self indulgent nonsense. Why don't you just share with your family via messages and keep it all off social media?

Sorry but I love a baby picture. It brings joy. I suppose I'm just a sentimental old fool.

I've recently retired and have received quite a few from former colleagues, including the a photo of the most beautiful baby which I showed to a few close friends some of whom were clearly interested and other merely polite.

I'm not on social media unless you include WhatsApp, I don't regard MN as social media as it's anonymous and largely photo free, so can't really comment about it. I have never forwarded a baby photograph, but as said above I did show the photo of the most beautiful baby to others.

PositanoBay · 15/10/2023 06:32

Well, I wouldn't pre put up a photo before mum and dad did out of courtesy, but you are being a bit precious with a foot photo, I mean, are you famous? Why the cloak and daggers?

Unithorn · 15/10/2023 06:41

Your role is irrelevant, if you don't want photos of your child on social media then that's enough of a reason. It sounds by your posts you know what she's like so you should have had firmer boundaries in place off the bat. Agree with a few other OPs that it sounds like you dislike them in general which is probably why it's a bigger deal.

YouveGotAFastCar · 15/10/2023 06:47

@RomaniIteDomum My in-laws were similar. We didn't find out what DS was. That was heartbreaking because they were desperate to know if there would finally be a granddaughter. They didn't like that they didn't know I was in labour. They didn't like the name we chose. They didn't like that DH wouldn't pass DS around endlessly. They hate that we don't share photos online.

We have little contact with them now. Everything goes the same; you give them a boundary, and they break it.

Howlongdoesittake · 15/10/2023 06:49

I adore my grandson and he is of course the most beautiful baby in the history of the world so want everyoje to see him. But my DS and DDIL have asked no pics on social media and I stick to it. It's not difficult. Close friends can see pics ony phone when I see them.
YANBU at all

cuckyplunt · 15/10/2023 06:59

Every new born baby looks like every other new born baby, I really don’t think that posting a picture of one is ever going to cause an issue. You sound like hardwork.

C8H10N4O2 · 15/10/2023 09:50

ImADevYo · 13/10/2023 16:32

I've got a large family on my mum's side and sometimes we play this game of 'guess who' from albums. There's always so much confusion! We don't all look alike because we're related it's cousins, extended family, people who married in etc.

No clue. It also doesn't help that we're not white and so most have the same hair, eye and skin colours!

I agree the mum's wishes should be respected but OP didn't give a blanket rule. She said 'private sharing but no social media'.

Which is meaningless because

even if OP's mother didn't post it, any one of the 'private share' people could have.

You can make social media posts visible to only a small amount of people, it wouldn't be publicly searchable so what's the point?

The only way to keep something private is to not share. All all. Or use a medium that can't be copied, there are data transfer apps that prevent screenshots + delete the messages once opened.

I also think 'joy of being a GP' is silly especially as OP already has children.

Edited

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Yes the OP shouldn't have shared at all but then we would be getting posts saying "evil DD/DIL won't even allow me one picture of precious baba" - plenty of those posts to be found on MN.

The OP compromised by giving them pictures and asking for them to be kept private. GPs ignored that. I wouldn't trust another adult who cared so little about us or our children that a bit of SM bragging was more important than we were.

I'm not sure I explained my point well - IME most parents do recognise their own in a pack but the reality is its not about who a human will recognise, its the tools and technology to recognise a child for you at different ages. Even the basic tools free on line are more and more effective every day and a stalker or dangerous ex would have no trouble accessing better recognition tools if they wanted it.

Katypp · 15/10/2023 10:35

YouveGotAFastCar · 15/10/2023 06:47

@RomaniIteDomum My in-laws were similar. We didn't find out what DS was. That was heartbreaking because they were desperate to know if there would finally be a granddaughter. They didn't like that they didn't know I was in labour. They didn't like the name we chose. They didn't like that DH wouldn't pass DS around endlessly. They hate that we don't share photos online.

We have little contact with them now. Everything goes the same; you give them a boundary, and they break it.

Your post reminds me why I don't want to be a grandmother. Controlling, deliberately sidelining them and then declaring there is no bond between your child and their grandparents. Why would you want that and why are you apparently so pleased it has happened?
I find modern parenting very odd indeed.

PierceMorgansChin · 15/10/2023 10:52

Happypotatoman · 15/10/2023 05:52

Sorry but I love a baby picture. It brings joy. I suppose I'm just a sentimental old fool.

I've recently retired and have received quite a few from former colleagues, including the a photo of the most beautiful baby which I showed to a few close friends some of whom were clearly interested and other merely polite.

I'm not on social media unless you include WhatsApp, I don't regard MN as social media as it's anonymous and largely photo free, so can't really comment about it. I have never forwarded a baby photograph, but as said above I did show the photo of the most beautiful baby to others.

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No, really, nobody gives a crap. Please stop tormenting people showing them pictures of 'the most beautiful babies' it's ever so creepy. People might be polite but I guarantee they find you weird and annoying

Original poster

RomaniIteDomum · 15/10/2023 10:59

Your post reminds me why I don't want to be a grandmother. Controlling, deliberately sidelining them and then declaring there is no bond between your child and their grandparents. Why would you want that and why are you apparently so pleased it has happened?
I find modern parenting very odd indeed.

But that entitlement to access is the flip side of the problem.

Women become such public property once pregnant and are then expected to ignore their own boundaries from then on.

I bet if you asked them to answer honestly they were uncomfortable with a lot of the behaviour of others when they had children.

I've since had a proper chat with DF and he's seen some of the messages.

While he still thinks I'm daft over refusing to post a pic he's enraged at some of DMs comments such as DD being "MY granddaughter" (for context the tone was very much "what you want is trumped by my relationship to her", not a statement in the literal sense).

He'd also chatted with his brother about it and as it turns out DM didn't want DUncle to even hold me as a newborn (something DF didn't know about until that conversation) so she has a short memory.

Anyhoo smoothing it out now. Made clear showing/sharing isn't the problem but we'd prefer it's in person or WhatsApp

OP posts:

allhailthebrain · 15/10/2023 23:35

I don't understand why people are being so judgemental about a mum wanting to keep gender to themselves - we knew with all 3 and never told people. With the first we said we didn't know, second we said we did but were't saying - and people were CONSTANTLY trying to catch us out. So much saying "You said he, you said he!" when we hadn't and so on. So with third we went back to saying we didn't know, so much less hassle!

Though to be fair, one of the reasons we originally went that route with our first is my Mum kept repeatedly telling me she didn't want to know. Which did rather put me in a position of not being able to tell anyone even if I knew, didn't it!

Our second and third were planned c/sections. We knew the dates. If people had known the day baby would arrive, gender and potential names - there's pretty much nothing left to tell anyone when they are born 😆

As for the photo thing, I think it would have been easier just to say "feel free to share the news but because of our jobs it's important that no photos are posted - feel free to share privately with your close friends etc but not online" - no "mistakes" can be made with that.

maratara · 16/10/2023 02:40

Katypp · 13/10/2023 19:44

I am cringing at some of the responses on this thread, because it is crystal clear that this is ALL about control with so many pps, who are salivating at the thought of having something they think is tangible they can beat their parents up over. Let's show them you are MUCH better parents than they were, eh?
I seriously worry about this generation of children, being brought up in isolation with no social contact with anyone unless it is pre-approved by the parents (usually the mother). They are going to have no idea about social interaction and making friends.
This is such a non-event, yet pps are champing at the bit to cut contact entirely, obviously delighted that they now have a perfect human pawn to control others with, dressed up as advocating for the child. It's nonsense.
And as for the poster who was outraged her mum or MIL (I can't remember which) had the audacity to call her grandchild her grandchild, words fails me. Imagine being so possessive you would do that, don't they know the baby is the mum's new toy and she is very possessive about it?
And I think new mum get cut far too much slack too. Being a few days post-partum does not give you a free pass to behave like an utter arse, regardless of what some on this thread have said.
And finally, you do explain yourself in a very stilted, officious way. No warmth, no familiarity, just corporatespeak. Is this baby your latest project?

Agree with all of this. It's getting very weird.

fuckssaaaaake · 16/10/2023 07:31

@PierceMorgansChin but she literally just said she loves a baby picture. So do I, so you're wrong. Some people hate them, some love them, some indifferent. Not everyone feels the same as you, some of us are a bit more happy go lucky that that 😜😂

Heidi75 · 16/10/2023 16:15

minipie · 11/10/2023 20:13

YANBU about the pictures

YABU if you both knew the sex but refused to tell grandparents etc, that’s a bit twattish IMO.

They have no right to know beforehand and many people may still want it to be a surprise for everyone else, otherwise, there is nothing to announce other than they have arrived.

angelikacpickles · 16/10/2023 23:12

Heidi75 · 16/10/2023 16:15

They have no right to know beforehand and many people may still want it to be a surprise for everyone else, otherwise, there is nothing to announce other than they have arrived.

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Yes, lovely, but it's the smug "we know but we're not saying" that's insufferable. If you know but you're not saying, there's no need to tell people that you know. It's not the bloody third secret of Fatima.

PositanoBay · 17/10/2023 06:18

RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:52

Out of interest, can I ask why you didn’t want to share the sex of the baby?

Because we didn't. Because my parents buy into gender roles and we don't. I didn't want her to be subjected to their sexism before she was even here

Good God 🤣🤣🤣 How woke can you be???
Quote "Because my parents buy into gender roles and we don't". How pretentious you both sound. Are you going to hide the gender for 2 years then?? I hope they never offer to have your Second Coming of Christ - or Christina - for one second, and they just say That's nice Dear every time you go over to their house

Tontostitis · 17/10/2023 06:51

My dil was a like this 8 years on she now laughs at herself. I followed all her endless rules and petty exclusions in favour of her own parents who are elderly and distant. I just quietly kept helping when asked and trying not to be hurt or take it too personally. 9 years on we are all really close and I have an amazing relationship with her and the dgc who I've looked after whilst she went back to work.
I've learnt that for some motherhood is scary and behaviour is often unreasonable, sometimes downright mean and nasty but grandchildren are such a wonderful gift you just have to keep your head down and keep going.

Original poster

RomaniIteDomum · 17/10/2023 11:03

Good God 🤣🤣🤣 How woke can you be??? Quote "Because my parents buy into gender roles and we don't". How pretentious you both sound. Are you going to hide the gender for 2 years then?? I hope they never offer to have your Second Coming of Christ - or Christina - for one second, and they just say That's nice Dear every time you go over to their house*

Listen it was just a nicer way of writing "DF is a misogynistic dinosaur who thinks girls can/can't do certain things by virtue of being born with a vagina"

That's not being woke. That's living in the modern world.

OP posts:

Katypp · 17/10/2023 15:53

I think you're looking for problems OP

Bluela18 · 17/10/2023 22:04

Yanbu . This is totally unacceptable. Your new baby , your rules. If you have asked them not to put a pic up of baby , yet they don't respect this and do it any way, it's a red flag and the start of many issues to come with them going against your wishes.