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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

398 replies

RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:09

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:52

Out of interest, can I ask why you didn’t want to share the sex of the baby?

Because we didn't. Because my parents buy into gender roles and we don't. I didn't want her to be subjected to their sexism before she was even here

OP posts:
Aquestioningmind · 11/10/2023 20:52

You gave birth to a baby?? I thought humans only gave birth to ostrich eggs.

The photo is out there now, so not much to be done. I get you’re upset but ultimately I think you’re over reacting. You’re gonna have a rough 18 years ahead of you if you get twitchy about every little thing.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 20:52

@roseopose quite.

I don't think people with normal jobs understand that horrible cold feeling that comes over you when you see someone where they shouldn't be, someone says something they shouldn't know, someone gets information they shouldn't. It's sobering.

My worst was someone up for a murder charge, I was a witness, and the police left my home address on some paperwork they shouldn't have. That was a terrifying few weeks.

Lucky buggers who don't get it.

Purplerain0505 · 11/10/2023 20:53

We had this issue when we had a baby. The grandmothers both were gutted not to share a baby photo on social media to announce it to every person they’re “friends” with on there. I thought it was so bizarre! It’s so unnecessary.

We have fewer security concerns than you but ours was to make a point and draw a line from the very beginning. I’d have hated to find out as a teenager that my baby photos are on the internet. None of us had to deal with that like lots of children now will have to.

WastingTimeOnTheInternet · 11/10/2023 20:53

I’m with you on this one. I HATE the way other people take ownership of other peoples babies in this way. It’s not really their news to share - it’s yours. Putting a photo of your baby’s face on their social media is completely unacceptable. I would have strong words with them. If they don’t see the problem, then the simple solution is they don’t receive or take any more photos of your baby.

jays · 11/10/2023 20:55

I get where you’re coming from to a point … but it’s all a little bit Towie/Love island carry on is it not … with a post of a foot etc. I mean this with truly the best intentions…. You have a new baby…. Get off social media completely, don’t capture every moment on your phone, don’t share it all, forget that posting is even a thing and live life. Let everyone else do what they want and just enjoy being in it all for real.

Wishingwell57 · 11/10/2023 20:56

I don't get what all the drama is about. Is the photo on Facebook or a private Whatsapp group? If the latter, then where's the harm?

If Facebook then maybe the OP is right to be concerned. But as she says that her work involves dealings with unpleasant people who might cause trouble, then why have a Facebook account to begin with?

The people I know who have sensitive jobs are told that they can't have Facebook accounts.

Mistressanne · 11/10/2023 20:56

@RomaniIteDomum my dd doesn’t put any pics of dgs face on social media except her private instagram. Also she didn’t tell us baby’s sex although they knew.
I’m totally supportive of dd and her dh.

Your dc, your rules op.
Your dp’s are the unreasonable ones imo.

Katypp · 11/10/2023 20:57

@RomaniIteDomum Do you actually like your parents or do you just like controlling them? You sound as if you are just looking for every fight you can find tbh

Wishingwell57 · 11/10/2023 20:58

Purplerain0505 · 11/10/2023 20:53

We had this issue when we had a baby. The grandmothers both were gutted not to share a baby photo on social media to announce it to every person they’re “friends” with on there. I thought it was so bizarre! It’s so unnecessary.

We have fewer security concerns than you but ours was to make a point and draw a line from the very beginning. I’d have hated to find out as a teenager that my baby photos are on the internet. None of us had to deal with that like lots of children now will have to.

So you think that you will be recognized based on a baby photo? Highly improbable.

Original poster
RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 21:00

Should add that DF announced my pregnancy only FB too.

I didn't post a thing and because I work in the field rather than an office only five people outside HR knew until I went off.
Three were line managers and two guessed.
And before anyone asks I didn't really show, have minimal physical contact with most colleagues and I liked the lack of drama, the fact people weren't asking intrusive questions/ bump molesting and that I wasn't treated like I couldn't do my job as well as I've always done it.

OP posts:
WickedSerious · 11/10/2023 21:00

YANBU and the 'MY grandchild' comment would really piss me off.

Crispynoodle · 11/10/2023 21:00

I never post a picture of my DGSs without permission and never would

gamerchick · 11/10/2023 21:00

RowenaEllis · 11/10/2023 20:12

This isn't Reddit!! What is with the constant reddit style posts at the moment??
YANBU (because this is AIBU not AITA)

Especially when it's m or f with age at the start. Reddit infection.

Are family allowed to come and visit or do they have to wait a couple of months OP?

Less educated indeed.

UndercoverCop · 11/10/2023 21:01

I work in a similar field, but tbh I wouldn't post a picture of a foot, it's the kind of odd pretentious thing celebrities do. If you don't want people seeing pictures don't post any, it's a much clearer message to say we are not sharing any pictures online rather than dictating which body parts are ok.

Also if you work in this field you should either not have personal social media or it should be in no way connected to your actual identity, pseudonym, no pictures showing your home or face etc and not connected to family members who might not be so careful with their information. That's standard practice surely at least it is in my organisation, and if you do what you say you do we have the same employer.

EwwSprouts · 11/10/2023 21:02

The grandparents don't have the same appreciation of risk and confidentiality. You need to hammer the message home or you will never be able to leave the child in their care for a day, because 'oh my friends love to see what fun we had'.

Original poster
RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 21:02
  • If Facebook then maybe the OP is right to be concerned. But as she says that her work involves dealings with unpleasant people who might cause trouble, then why have a Facebook account to begin with?

The people I know who have sensitive jobs are told that they can't have Facebook accounts.*

Because it's a necessary tool to actually do my job.

However it's fully locked down and I post minimally.

OP posts:
Tortugaa · 11/10/2023 21:02

This might not be the place to be posting if you are in that line of work 😁

gamerchick · 11/10/2023 21:03

I'm actually surprised that someone so well educated and in with the thick of cyber security is even using SM at all. Especially announcing it on a forum, complete with baby foot heads up that gets thousands of visitors.

UndercoverCop · 11/10/2023 21:03

You absolutely wouldn't use a personal FB account to do your job, if it's what you're implying. This is nonsense.

UtterlyButterly2048 · 11/10/2023 21:04

Honestly op, to use a favourite MN saying…..you sound like hard work. If you are so certain that having a picture of your baby anywhere in the public domain poses a risk, don’t post any yourself, don’t send any and don’t let anyone else take any. End of problem.

midddd · 11/10/2023 21:04

I don't get why anyone wants to see a baby's foot?

INTERNETEXPL0RER · 11/10/2023 21:05

However you are going to struggle with this as your child gets older. Primary schools, brownies, sports clubs are forever posting online even if you ask them not to

I have a lot of children who do a lot of activities and can say that’s certainly NOT been my experience. All their schools / clubs / sports have been extremely careful to get written parental consent for photos at every single event.

Even when photos are put online, schools usually use first names only.

And at sports events, no photos are allowed at during the event , only when the awards are given out at the end.

The adults only walking group that I go to requires that everyone gives consent every single time . I mean active consent, not just “ say something if you are not happy “.

Original poster
RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 21:05

I said my role was linked to cyber security. It's adjacent with some crossover - so I have an understanding of the risks without it being my actual job description.
DH is the same. His organisational role crosses over with CS, programming, safeguarding, data protection etc.

OP posts:
AmazingSnakeHead · 11/10/2023 21:06

TheYearOfSmallThings · 11/10/2023 20:12

Well they are out of order, but you are being weird about it (unless there is something wrong that you don't want to disclose).

She is being weird about not wanting her child's face posted all over an open platform, even though her job means that literal criminals with expertise in tech have motive to harm her? Okay then.

OP your parents are being insane and your request is perfectly normal. There is not a photo of my DC anywhere online open access, they are only in messages to individual people and small whatsapp groups with friends and family. I set this rule and my family have all respected it. My mum sends photos to her friends and family via whatsapp. It is very telling that the joy of being grandparents is tied to plastering the child's face all over the internet, rather than actually spending time with the grandchild.

And anyway, YOU have just given birth - this week! And with medical complications, it sounds like (Congratulations on your wonderful daughter, by the way). Your mum should be doing everything to make you feel at ease and relaxed, not stressing you out and upsetting you. When I was 3 days post partum I had to tell my mum "I'm very sorry but the way that you keep talking as if you're the baby is really upsetting me, you have to stop". And she did, no questions asked. Whether it was reasonable or not doesn't even come into it, I had just given birth!