AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

[RomaniIteDomum]

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

No it isn’t. It’s entirely natural and normal to want to just keep something to yourself and have it be a surprise to everyone else.

not their place

op said they could share private but they ignored her-completely out of order

i always ask anyone i know if i can post pics of dc its not a god given right

I don't think I'd have posted about giving birth at all if I had the worries you do.

I mean, it's not as if new baby pics are used to really recognise or identify a child...babies change so much and so quickly anyway. A foot pic says more or less the same thing as a new baby pic - it lets people know you've had a baby. I don't see much difference there to anyone who's not close family.

That said, I'd have gone along with any requests you had or talked it over beforehand.

You should have been clearer- no pictures on social media at all. You have muddied the waters by allowing some photos and not others. You don’t have to have a job in cybersecurity to know it’s stupid to publish pictures of children on line- insist they take it down and don’t send them any more photos until they agree to not publish them online.

What a nasty sexist comment.

Fair enough regarding posting on SM but nit revealing the sex of the baby is a bit precious IMO

Since when did you have to tell grandparents the sex if you know yourself what you’re having? That makes no sense to me. OP and her DP are allowed to keep it to themselves for whatever reason

I think you're being a little bit silly implying the grandparents have endangered the child and don't care about the baby's safety.

Grips are available.

Im a grandma..i would never put my grandkids pics on SM anyway...too dodgy. I will show people i trust in person. If my daughter chose a photo for us to put on social media id use the one she wanted. The baby is hers not mine. Her rules.
I wouldn't even put as profile pic on Whatsapp etc. Protecting our children.

Careful - your misogynistic views are peaking through.

Op - congratulations on the birth of your baby. Please try and enjoy these first days and weeks.

It's just a bit weird and controlling. So you don't want your babies pictures posted online because of your job thats fine but then why post anything, posting a foot is what celebrities do when they have an exclusive deal with ok magazine. You didn't anyone to know the sex again fine but why say we know but where not telling, your not 5. And let me guess nobody is allowed to visit unless they clean your house and nobody is allowed to hold the baby for 6 months unless you want a babysitter then it's fine.

Oh it all sounds a bit tedious, when the child isn’t even a week old. Dear me.

I did laugh at the receptionist comment though. Oop.

@JamesCricket really? Mean really?

pictures of children (even babies) have been used to create child abuse images. Literally just copied and pasted onto sick things.

this type of ignorance is so dangerous. Anyone can copy those photos and do god knows what with them. Doesn’t matter if you work in cyber security or McDonald’s. Some people are just evil bastards.

They should respect your feelings, but I can understand her feelings, I’d have just announced without the feet photo as I know people hate that and would rather no photo than some ambiguous photo

So I'm confused by the security aspect. You are ok with people announcing that you have had a baby and giving the babies name and date of birth, but not a picture of the face?
Surely the announcement of a birth (details such as name) is actually more useful to criminal gangs than a picture of a baby's face? Or is there some software out there that allows criminals to scan databases and match a baby face with your location?

I could understand it if you were living under assumed names, not on social media at all and didn't want anyone to know, other than immediate family, that you'd given birth. But I'm not sure how revealing a baby's face (when they all look pretty much the same) puts you at a greater risk than revealing other information.

The foot was a compromise tbh. I knew they'd want an image and was trying to minimise risk an outing one would be used.

Obviously that didn't go to plan 🙄

As for the job - I'm being deliberately vague while not telling stating anything that isn't true as I work as one of a handful of females in a niche specialism of my industry.

I'm not a CS expert but have enough regular interactions with them to know what the risks are and what to post where. 99% of stuff is on a WhatsApp group. Any on. FB is highly anonymised.

You are not unreasonable for expecting family members to respect your wishes regarding SM.

You are unreasonable for how you’ve gone about it. Either let them share pics or not at all.

You clearly like to share on SM in a particular way. That’s ok. But that’s you. Let others share in the joy of having a new healthy family member.

My thoughts exactly. And I’m sorry but paranoid too.

She had no right to do that. But I would find you exhausting. From now on I’d say no more pictures on SM if it’s so dangerous for your baby

All babies look the same, no one cares except you it makes no difference what so ever

Agree with this.

Some grandparents really reveal themselves when a grandchild comes along and think their excitement trumps everyone and everything including the boundaries of the parents and the safety of a young baby.

My parents nor have DH’s posted pictures of our children on social media and have never asked to do so. They know they will get plenty of pics directly from us that they can share with other family members and such family members have also not posted pics on social media. We share maybe two a year (Birthdays and Christmas) via social media to my side (massive family) since it is easier than trying to collect 100+ people’s whatsapp.

Nothing like using a new baby as a bargaining tool to show who's boss, eh? I do wonder when I read posts like these what the poster used for drama before baby came along?

What does 'work adjacent to a number of spheres' even mean?

I'm no cyber security expert, OP, but I've deduced that you're Scottish.

Tbh from everything you've said, it's does sound like you're being a bit controlling and a bit of a joy sucker. With the babies sex, either find out and tell your parents or don't find out and keep it a surprise. It's just a bit weird.
The photo is done now, just let it go and let everyone enjoy the baby, you included.
From the way you speak about them, I doubt this will be the last time they'll annoy you by doting on the baby too much.