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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

352 replies

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:05

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

OP posts:
Dessertinthedesert · 11/10/2023 01:07

As in you’ve been going out 4 months?

WandaWonder · 11/10/2023 01:08

Do you honestly need to be told?, read this back yourself and what would you tell another poster? go with that

KittytheHare · 11/10/2023 01:09

Jesus I’d be really put off by his response! Does he picture himself as some amazing prize you have to work to attain? Surely you’re worth more than these crumbs from his table. I’d be saying my goodbyes here.

Fionaville · 11/10/2023 01:10

It seems like you've spent a lot of time together, I'd expect by this point that he would know if he loves you or not. But I've been with my DH since early 20s. Maybe he's just older and wiser enough to be cautious, especially after being divorced.

Original poster
Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:10

No we’ve been dating since February and been in a relationship since about May

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 11/10/2023 01:10

Sense check time. Do you support him more than he supports you? Are you always doing the running? Traveling cooking cleaning staying at his changing plans to suit him? Does he do stuff for you like you look after his kids? Does he cook you dinner/order you takeaway, especially when you babysit?

if not, you need to pull back from those things. Say it’s all feeling a bit one way- when do you cook/ clean/ support/ take time out for me/etc?

if however he is great, respectful, supportive, appreciates what you do (& shows it, not just a thanks!) then it’s very early days and it’s reasonable to not say I love you yet.

QueenCamilla · 11/10/2023 01:11

You quit. You just smoothened his exit from marriage.

Newnamehiwhodis · 11/10/2023 01:14

Nooooooope

that stingy, manipulative answer tells you everything you need to know about this dude.
he’ll hold things over your head/ withhold things to keep power for your entire relationship if you stay.

it’s not difficult to love someone ffs. It’s not a prize to hang onto, that someone else has to jump through hoops for.

to hell with him

Original poster
Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:14

This is how I’ve started to feel! He talked me into staying in the family home when he had his kids and I think it was so the ex hurried up the divorce

OP posts:
Namechangad12 · 11/10/2023 01:17

His answer seems a bit shit and he comes across as full of himself. But with that being, it could just be a very clumsy answer when put on the soot.

I dont know what I would answer if a boyfriend of a few months asked me the same question and I wasn't at that stage just yet.

I do think 4 months is a bit early.

Original poster
Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:25

I understand the comments about 4 months being too early but we’ve spent hours/days together and with his children. It seems too much to spend all that time with his kids and on my own with them if he wasn’t in love with me! I was happy to carry on with our dates etc he introduced me to his kids and friends! He seems to want to rush that aspect but not be in love with me. I wouldn’t introduce someone if I didn’t have those sorts of feelings

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 01:33

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:25

I understand the comments about 4 months being too early but we’ve spent hours/days together and with his children. It seems too much to spend all that time with his kids and on my own with them if he wasn’t in love with me! I was happy to carry on with our dates etc he introduced me to his kids and friends! He seems to want to rush that aspect but not be in love with me. I wouldn’t introduce someone if I didn’t have those sorts of feelings

He wanted to rush the bits that facilitated his life. Easy divorce, babysitting, company. He had a woman-shaped hole in his life and he filled it with you.

Dump and run.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 11/10/2023 01:33

That's such an ick answer!

Namechangad12 · 11/10/2023 01:35

You gave him too much too soon
Withdraw a bit xx
I'm sorry you feel taken advantage of, OP. Been there done that

squirrelslikenuts · 11/10/2023 01:37

How do your kids feel about him? Has he spent much time with them?

It is early to know about love, when you have caring responsibilities. However, how he treats you and your own, should give you an indication of whether he really cares.

Caring and actual supporting are essential to survive life, on both sides.

samestyle · 11/10/2023 01:37

I'd be concerned he's using you to help with his kids and to spite his ex. I don't think you'd question his feelings if you were treated well. However his answer isn't great and don't think his feelings can be that strong if it's a knock back like that.

Mmhmmn · 11/10/2023 01:38

I got the ick at your asking him if he loves you that early on (I wouldn’t chase that sort of thing personally so early) but get that you want to know where you stand and I think you’re right to have reservations about this:

he introduced me to his kids and friends! He seems to want to rush that aspect but not be in love with me

As in - is he just looking for a baby mama for his daughter cos men are crap at being on their own? Maybe step back from doing too much.

Are/Were you in love with him? It’s not something you can force or rush, is it.

WandaWonder · 11/10/2023 01:56

Mmhmmn · 11/10/2023 01:38

I got the ick at your asking him if he loves you that early on (I wouldn’t chase that sort of thing personally so early) but get that you want to know where you stand and I think you’re right to have reservations about this:

he introduced me to his kids and friends! He seems to want to rush that aspect but not be in love with me

As in - is he just looking for a baby mama for his daughter cos men are crap at being on their own? Maybe step back from doing too much.

Are/Were you in love with him? It’s not something you can force or rush, is it.

Yeah the actual question is odd and needy to be honest but sure a normal conversation about where things stand is normal

Mydogmybestfriend · 11/10/2023 02:17

Withdraw a bit op but as others have said it only been four months
Don't give your everything to him you just met him

Original poster
Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

OP posts:
MidnightMeltdown · 11/10/2023 02:36

I think that love is a big word and it means different things to different people. You can care for someone deeply without loving them. I wouldn't say that I've ever truly loved someone who I've only known for 6 months.

I don't think he's being manipulative, he's just being honest. Love is a feeling, it's not something that you can just decide. I agree with others that you should back off a bit and stop giving so much if you feel that you are being used. To be brutally honest, it would give me the ick if someone asked me whether I loved them, especially after such a short period of time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 02:37

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

I see what you're for. What's he for?

Vand · 11/10/2023 02:42

Dating since February he should know if he loves you. Genuine love doesn’t take 9 months to figure out. You know pretty quickly once you make things romantic with someone.

get rid of him

Codlingmoths · 11/10/2023 02:42

Time to take a big step back. Say I am happy to go on dates and hang out as a couple. I don’t think we are ready for more and you should have your time with your kids without a new person involved.
Because he’s using you.

anareen · 11/10/2023 02:51

That is off putting for sure. While I am all for healthy relationships and taking it slow he could have definitely worded that differently. Such as "I care for you" or something BUT given the other context...... It seems to me he is using you and while that was probably an half honest answer I don't see him truly loving you in the future. I see it as a recipe for disaster. Keeping hope would be a waste of your time.