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Original poster

Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

352 replies

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:05

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

OP posts:
BringMeTea · 11/10/2023 06:41

Take back the power. Bye Felipe....

Zone2NorthLondon · 11/10/2023 06:41

Sadly I’m afraid he’s used you in a functional manner to facilitate outcomes he wants
You were useful. He used you

TammyJones · 11/10/2023 06:44

And the reason why he does this is because he can / you let him.
Some people/ more so men than women, can't be alone
They rather be with someone, anyone than that.
I personally wouldn't.

Seen this with my ex's - moving from one woman to the next.
Serial monogamy - sometimes years at a time.
I decided years ago never to be anyone's second choice.
So after 2 months it's always been make or break.

CasperGutman · 11/10/2023 06:44

Controversial opinion perhaps, but maybe he said that not because he's a master manipulator but because be really isn't, and it's the truth?

I once gave a similar answer. We'd been dating for a few weeks, maybe a month or two at the outside. I knew I fancied the pants off her. I knew I really enjoyed her company. I most definitely knew I wanted to be around her, spend more time with her, get to know her better and see how things developed. I was in love with her. Now, two decades on, I certainly know I love her now, but at that point it was too soon to tell.

Take his words at face value and assume for a moment that he means he is falling in love with you, but isn't quite there yet. Will you end the relationship because you would have preferred to hear a lie?

Pockettopic · 11/10/2023 06:45

I think l it’s a fine line as someone who has gone through a divorce I tread really carefully with new relationships. However he can’t tread carefully and involve you with his
kids. Definitely do not be his babysitter that is not your responsibility. I would be wary of rebound and not being able to be on his own.

MaggieBsBoat · 11/10/2023 06:48

This one is not a keeper.
You are an easy option who helps out with childcare.
Also, at 40 you should know (imo) very quickly if you’re in love with someone. If he’s unsure- which frankly is obvious, then he’s just keeping you on a line. For you know, childcare, sex, self-esteem boost.
Sorry OP you are worth more. Get rid!!!

Totalwasteofpaper · 11/10/2023 06:52

So his kids love you... But he... isn't quite there yet?

And he has little to no interest in your kids... Presumably they don't "love" him.

I'd be staying home this weekend and I'd be re-evaluating /ending this relationship.

Step back and look at it. You are co-parenting his kids probably doing cooking and cleaning too while there plus he gets a shag.

What are you getting out of this ?

ASCCM · 11/10/2023 06:53

If you have to ask then you know the answer.

CharlieBoo · 11/10/2023 06:59

Ok there are red flags all over this.. I imagine if you pull back now or say you want a break/don’t want to continue with the relationship, he will declare his undying love for you.. another red flag.

I went out with a guy who only ever talked about himself. Me, me, me and oh yeah me! Apart from being hugely irritating (you may not be at that point yet but believe me you will be soon) it’s a narc trait and that you want to get your trainers on, start running and never look back.

BibbleandSqwauk · 11/10/2023 07:00

@CasperGutman taken just as that comment in isolation from anything else I might agree with you. My DP and I held off from saying it for a considerable time due to being burnt in previous marriages but if you then add in the context of how she is with his kids and he is with hers, he's lining her up as childcare. He's got 50/50 but doesn't actually want it. He's be better off asking the mum to change arrangements to the standard EOW and not trying to find an unpaid nanny to do the parenting he can't be arsed with.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 11/10/2023 07:05

I may have come out with a similar answer in my time. It felt too intense. Too heavy.

There is nothing wrong in what he replied. He could have lied - said he loved you when he didn’t - and that would be even worse.

That said, there seems to be plenty wrong in what he’s doing. And I’m sorry but you are facilitating that. He has found himself a ‘help’ to cater for his needs and to assist with his life.

Cosyblankets · 11/10/2023 07:06

When did he last do something nice just for you that didn't involve his kids? What do you do without them?
It's sounding a bit convenient

speakout · 11/10/2023 07:06

It seems too much to spend all that time with his kids and on my own with them if he wasn’t in love with me!

Really ?

Can you think of no other reason why he likes you around kids?
You think that is proof of love?

Could it be that you lighten his caring resonsibilities and free babysitting?

Dillane · 11/10/2023 07:07

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

Dump him OP, you deserve so much more.

speakout · 11/10/2023 07:07

I would try seeing him without his kids for a few weeks, see how keen he is then.

Dweetfidilove · 11/10/2023 07:07

He’s soaking up all your love and kindness and giving you precious little in return.

Read back your posts and it’s clear as day that he doesn’t love you.

Anyone willing to take so much and give so little is not a safe bet 💐

rosesinmygarden · 11/10/2023 07:09

How would he react if you weren't available to help with with his children a few times? I think I'd be unavailable this weekend and see what his reaction is.

His answer stinks of stringing you along. If you were that important to him, he'd have said something that reassured you or made you feel wanted. His response is more of a, "keep doing the right thing and you might get lucky". He doesn't sound like a catch to me.

BravoMyDear · 11/10/2023 07:10

You’re being taken for an absolute mug here!

NeverWornACropTop · 11/10/2023 07:11

we’ve spent hours/days together and with his children.

After just 4 months?! I think it’s crazy to be introducing DCs to someone who may not even be a permanent fixture, and you stayed in the family home!
Sounds like he’s looking for you to fill the shoes his wife left, as in childcare/housework.
What all this does to the DCs when you split is a sad thought.

SpringboksSocks · 11/10/2023 07:12

I think it’s better than lying and saying he loves if he doesn’t yet. I’m in a new relationship after divorce and about 4 months in too and I’m not in love with my new partner at this point. However, I can see it being a slow burner and I can see a long term future with him. Divorce is massively stressful and emotions go all over the place. He may not be ready to let himself get to the point of vulnerability of falling in love just yet.

I would hang in there if the relationship is going well and you can see a future.

But, it does sound as if he could be taking advantage, and I agree with the posters who’ve suggested take a step back and have a look at things.

1month · 11/10/2023 07:16

There’s absolutely no way I’d tell someone I was in love with them after such a short amount of time.

I don’t think anyone knows they’re in love after such a short amount of time, as you’re still in the lust/honeymoon phase.

I’m actually pretty shocked he hasn’t said he’s in love with you, as he seems that sort.
Although, I guess you trying harder to get him to love you benefits him more.

You are, in his eyes, less worthy than a babysitter because he’s using you to babysit but not even paying you.

Why not tell him you’ll come and see him but you won’t be babysitting - although I can’t imagine you doing this because you’re worried he’ll find someone else.

Stop acting so desperate OP.
It will not make him love you.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 11/10/2023 07:18

You are the new live-in babysitter he has sex with. Nothing more.
Please cut your losses and leave now.

Escapetofrance · 11/10/2023 07:18

If he doesn’t know if he loves you by now, then I would leave. Feeling unloved in a relationship is awful.

Homesweethome23 · 11/10/2023 07:20

Sounds like he can’t look after the kids on his own and uses you as the other parent when he has them. Dump him.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 11/10/2023 07:20

@1month

There’s absolutely no way I’d tell someone I was in love with them after such a short amount of time.

That’s fine. But surely you wouldn’t have that someone look after your own children 80% of the time.