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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

352 replies

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:05

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

OP posts:
anareen · 11/10/2023 03:59

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 03:49

No he’ll make out he’s desperate to see me! He’s booked for us to go away for a weekend next month! I don’t get why he behaves this way

I think it would be beneficial to educate yourself on toxic relationships, abusive relationships, narcissistic relationships and trauma bonds.

SpoonerChasm · 11/10/2023 04:01

He acts like he is desperate to see you because he is, he knows when you go over he gets sex and free childcare.

Dump him, even if he wasnt a user its far too soon after his split with his wife to be considering him as a long term partner.

daisychain01 · 11/10/2023 04:05

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

Talking about himself all the time stands to reason, @Marnie1818 because his whole universe revolves around him and his over-inflated ego.

he is using you to make things in his life easier as has already been said on here. He isn't invested in your kids, but surprise surprise, he wants you to care about his kids because they are his "mini-me", yet more homage to his ego, everyone revolving around him and his needs.

in your situation it would give me immense pleasure to tell him you don't intend to "work towards" pleasing him at his convenience so "many thanks for the memory, but the arrangement doesn't suit me". Unfortunately, asking the love question was the ideal opportunity for him to give you a backhanded brush off.

On the other hand, I bet he'd be fine if you expressed your unbridled and unconditional love towards him, just because he's worth it Grin

SD1978 · 11/10/2023 04:07

So you barely see your kids anymore, unless they've moved in too, if you're there 5 days a week, you look after his kids, he never does the same back, and never has a conversation about you. It sounds like not saying I love you is the least of the issues you should have.

anareen · 11/10/2023 04:11

On top of educating yourself on toxic relationships, abusive relationships, narcissistic relationships and trauma bonds, please educate yourself on self awareness as well! 💜

crumblingschools · 11/10/2023 04:18

Why are the kids so involved so quickly? How long has he been split from his wife?

k1233 · 11/10/2023 04:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 01:33

He wanted to rush the bits that facilitated his life. Easy divorce, babysitting, company. He had a woman-shaped hole in his life and he filled it with you.

Dump and run.

Show quote history

@MrsTerryPratchett has hit the nail on the head - you're filling a position he had vacant.

Original poster
Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 04:21

His marriage was done in 2017 he had an affair and they went through counselling, which didn’t work and then she fell in love with someone else . He doesn’t care if I love him he’s not asked. As for my kids I see my boyf at the gym and for hours here and there when my kids are busy as they are all much older now

OP posts:
Original poster
Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 04:22

I introduced the kids in aug as I’d know him since feb and they are older I didn’t want to lie to them about where I was going

OP posts:
Missingmyusername · 11/10/2023 04:36

You really don’t seem very happy, I would stop doing things for him. See how he reacts. You’d be better off without him, he’s a user. 💐

Alwaysdieting · 11/10/2023 04:46

Get rid!!!!!!!

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 11/10/2023 04:53

MumsGoneToIceland · 11/10/2023 03:48

It sounds like now is the time to put yourself first and protect yourself a little - simply say you’re busy this weekend. His reaction will be telling - if his response is more about who will look after the kids than about not seeing you, that will tell you a lot. Regardless, stick to your guns and have that weekend to yourself - it’s a healthy thing to do regardless

100% this …. Take some time for yourself. Go for a walk , get a manicure see a friend anything than be his free baby mama…

If he says he is desperate to see you say great let me know what date night you have planned for the two of us!

Its only been a few months OP stick up for yourself before this becomes the norm that he only sees you when he needs help with his kids… maybe flip it on him and say as he is not sure if he loves you, you think it’s best you only see each other away from the kids so the kids don’t form bond’s until your relationship is secured!! Then see his response

Personally he gives me the ick… you are helping him parent and that’s why he wants you around

Nonplusultra · 11/10/2023 04:57

I’d judge him very poorly as a father to introduce his dc to a woman that he doesn’t love, and poor parenting is a huge turn off for me.

I also find the concept of not loving someone yet quite baffling. I always assumed that was an American tv trope but not a real thing - it actually strikes me as a bit sociopathic.

I’d be rethinking this relationship. You deserve better op

RSintes · 11/10/2023 05:01

He had an affair which broke up his marriage, he really didn't put effort into counselling, he's dumping his kids on someone he's known since February, he's moved you in to get back at his ex (who he was cheating on anyway) he comes out with gems like "not yet but getting there" (or whatever) as a declaration of love in what's meant to be the honeymoon period of a relationship, he's selfish and self-obsessed and takes no interest in you, your life or your kids. Does even take any interest in his own kids and get someone he barely knows to look after them for him.

So what are his redeeming qualities? Is it literally just that he's got a massive willy?

What did the police say when you did a Claire's Law application before deciding to introduce him to your children ?

What do you independently know of his past relationship other than what he has told you?

wishon · 11/10/2023 05:10

Nonplusultra · 11/10/2023 04:57

I’d judge him very poorly as a father to introduce his dc to a woman that he doesn’t love, and poor parenting is a huge turn off for me.

I also find the concept of not loving someone yet quite baffling. I always assumed that was an American tv trope but not a real thing - it actually strikes me as a bit sociopathic.

I’d be rethinking this relationship. You deserve better op

That's so interesting. Out of curiosity, what American tv shows are you specifically referencing?

Because I've always thought that the Disney-esque idea of mere limerence as true love – as well as the idea that self-actualisation is achieved through romance – is a very Western concept. Largely American, I always assumed.

You can see it in the romance-centred Western fairytales and movies that little boys and girls here grow up on (or did for a very long time), even how Mulan was twisted into romance when it was made for the West. (I'm East Asian born and bred)

Brocollimatilda · 11/10/2023 05:10

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 03:37

I asked him because he wants me to stay over again this weekend and have his daughter for 3 hours on Sunday! I don’t want to do this! It’s my kid free weekend! I don’t want to do this for someone who wants to play house one minute but I’m not good enough to be in love with - he can't have both! If he isn’t ready yo be in love fine, but stop acting like it

God no - he seems to want a load of your time & effort while hedging his bets. He doesn’t sound a great catch tbh especially when it sounds like you want more than fwb. You’ll get stuck in some power game.

ElleCapitaine · 11/10/2023 05:11

Sounds like he’s got you in because he needs someone to do the wife work. And it sounds like you e well and truly got the ick. Why not stay away this weekend and spend the time thinking about what you actually want. You’re making his life too easy for him and he’s not worth it.

garlictwist · 11/10/2023 05:20

I don't know, I actually don't see anything wrong with what he said. He's being honest and you haven't been together that long. I think it's a positive answer.

Fifireee · 11/10/2023 05:20

You sound lovely. He sounds like a twat.
What are you gaining from this man? Apart from more kids to look after.
Value yourself and spend any free time you have doing things you enjoy.

merrymelodies · 11/10/2023 05:21

I could never ask anyone such a question! It's nauseating and begs a 'kick me' response.

CherryMaDeara · 11/10/2023 05:22

merrymelodies · 11/10/2023 05:21

I could never ask anyone such a question! It's nauseating and begs a 'kick me' response.

She’s right to ask. Now she knows he’s using her, she can dump him and find someone much better.

Bananalanacake · 11/10/2023 05:27

Stop looking after his kids. When I was dating a man with kids I made it clear I didn't want to meet them for at least a year, and when I did I wouldn't be looking after them.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 11/10/2023 05:28

How old are your children versus his?

I think I've only once explicitly asked someone about love. It was a relationship I felt extremely insecure in and it turned out I was right to - when we broke up he told me he'd used me to test the theory on whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship - he didn't. The problem you have now, having laid your cards on the table, is that if you back off and he feels the heat of going it alone, how will you know if it's genuine or not when he inevitably decides it is worth telling you what you want to hear? Rather than ask about love I probably just would've asked if he was wasting my time - you clearly feel like he is, so listen to your own intuition before you get any more invested.

With regards to this weekend I'd just say no to the whole thing. No, I'm enjoying a weekend to myself this week.

Why does his kid need minding?

FedUpMumof10YO · 11/10/2023 05:29

Why have you met kids if you're yet both in love ?

pointlesslady · 11/10/2023 05:30

He's just using you until someone else comes along.

You didn't have to lie or introduce, you could have said you're dating and showed them his photo and told them about him a bit.