Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

[Marnie1818]

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

i say stuff like shall we do our own thing at the weekend and he’s like no I’d love to spend it with you - can’t wait to see you - kids love you - I’d be devastated if you ended things - I’ve missed you loads - can I have his daughter again on Sunday

I think the last part of this paragraph is the true part. Interesting he’ll tell you his kids love you while saying he doesn’t. Tells you all you need to know really - you’re a source of childcare for him.

You keep asking why he’d spend so much time with you, introduce his kids, let you care for his kids if he didn’t love you. While you wouldn’t do that without love, he would. Stop trying to figure out why he’s doing what he’s doing and don’t try to figure out why based on your own values, his values are clearly different.

Tell him you’re not available this weekend, his reaction will tell you all you need to know. I’d bet my house that as soon as you say a firm “no” he’ll switch from being all “can’t wait to see you” to aggressive and controlling, because he’s not getting his own way.

There are red flags all over this - him not loving you is the least of it.

Yeah where's he going for that 3 hours on Sunday that he can't take his daughter ?

He's using you. On his child free day ask if he'll look after your child/ren.
If he says no? There is your answer. If you don't feel confident he could do it. There's your answer. It feels like he has gone 50/50 childcare to avoid paying his ex maintenance but doesn't want to actually do the childcare himself. Instead of paid help he has found you. Please don't be a mug and look after someone else's children for free or in exchange for crap bread crumbs. You are worthy of real love. But it's not part of a package deal of slavery.

If I was his ex I’d be really pissed off that he’d introduced a new girlfriend so quickly and the amount of childcare you’re doing. It does sound like he’s brought you into their lives very quickly. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be cautious re the ‘I love you’ but it shows dubious judgement to emesh someone who he doesn’t yet love with his kids.

@Marnie1818 2 days a week you don't see him are these says he does not have his kids?
Confused you saying your kids are older when asked where your kids are when you stay with him but then mention you have a kids free weekend!

What's he doing for the 3 hours on Sunday while you're watch his kid?

I must admit that I’m confused over the dating/relationship thing, but I guess it means dating = going out and having a good time, relationship = sex and more just hanging out together!

Regardless, this man seems to be saying the opposite of how he treats you!

I do thinks it’s important that you look at his actions, not his words.

The fact that you had to ask if he loved you, tells me that you don’t feel loved.

I think he sees you as some nice, polite lady, who isn’t a chav and who has her head screwed on! Someone who is a good influence on his kids, can step in and do the domestic drudgery and who will also have sex with him, but not expect him to do anything (you know, like husbands have to financially help out as well, whereas boyfriends don’t get asked to pony up for electricity, gas, water, food, etc.).

Would I stay with him? No, but I also wouldn’t be playing house every weekend with him and his kids. Definitely not after only a few months. Maybe after a year.

But yeah, this is a no from me. I’m out!

He's rushed that aspect because he's a dick. He is quite happy to use you for child care and to essentially play step mummy (which you aren't by the way).

What’s he do on Sundays?

It sounds more like dating/early relationship so you should not be included in childcare arrangements. keep your child free days child free. Obviously if you lived together it might be nice to have give and take with childcare and stuff, but you shouldn’t be used.

I think you need to pull back.

"No sorry I can't come over this weekend I have plans with so and so"

Then see how it unfolds.

FWIW when I met my DP. He made his feelings clear from early on. Some people say we rushed into things but hey ho 3 years on and we are getting married. When he told me he loved me after 6 weeks I believed him

Please please please do not get into thinking that if he says he loves you then it's OK for you to stay over on his childfree weekend and babysit his kids for 3 hours.

As you said he hardly sees them, why does he keep going off an leaving them with you.

Look again at the early response that asked you about how equal the relationship feels.
Pull back and get some headspace. If he is truly 'on the way' to loving you then a weekend apart won't derail that but it will give you time to think.

Please please please do not get into thinking that if he says he loves you then it's OK for you to stay over on his childfree weekend and babysit his kids for 3 hours.

As you said he hardly sees them, why does he keep going off an leaving them with you.

Look again at the early response that asked you about how equal the relationship feels.
Pull back and get some headspace. If he is truly 'on the way' to loving you then a weekend apart won't derail that but it will give you time to think.

@MrsTerryPratchett:
He wanted to rush the bits that facilitated his life. Easy divorce, babysitting, company. He had a woman-shaped hole in his life and he filled it with you.

This nails it perfectly! Just end it.

Of course he’d know by now. He’s totally used you, as @MrsTerryPratchett sais, to facilitate the shit bits and fill the hole.

Bin.

Out with the old and in with the new.
He now has unpaid cook, cleaner and child minder.
You've made it very easy for him and he's taken full advantage .

i say stuff like shall we do our own thing at the weekend and he’s like no I’d love to spend it with you - can’t wait to see you - kids love you - I’d be devastated if you ended things - I’ve missed you loads - can I have his daughter again on Sunday!

The truth is right there in those last few words. He’s sugar coating the truth with a load of lies.

He is using you. You’re a free childminder and nothing more.

He’s a narcissist, start extracting yourself asap. Sorry x

Ugh! If everything else wasn't bad enough?

He's just awful.

It's bad enough being stopped in the street by acquaintances like this, let alone being in a relationship with them and looking after their own children!

He's self obsessed, mean with his emotions and using you.

Sorry OP

Do you love him?

"I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way."

This is another way of saying "No, but if I told you the truth you'd be out of here!"

Sorry, but you already know he's using you...

Could it be that he's trying to be sensible and not go straight from divorce to telling someone he loves them within a matter of months? Or that he's been hurt and scared of being hurt again? In your heart of hearts, do you feel used and unhappy with the relationship or do you feel satisfied but hurt that he didn't say he loves you? If you're not really happy cut your losses now before either of you, and more importantly all the children who've already been through a lot, get any more hurt; if it's just that he's hurt your feelings by saying he's nearly there but not quite maybe give it a bit longer & tell him how you feel. You can't be with someone who doesn't love you but you can give it a bit of time if they show it but are scared to say the words. Good luck xx

You don't seem happy

By all of op's answer I don't think she's taken any of this on board.
Op he is using you and will dump you as soon as better comes along.
Please Listen to your inner voice.
Don't babysit his daughter on your child free weekend- start putting in boundaries.

Why be in a relationship if you don’t love the person - that’s dating right

I think you’ll find in this case it’s pure convenience. Let’s face it he rushed you into staying in his family home before he was divorced, wants you to mind his daughter etc. That’s not dating, it’s convenience. It’s finding someone to plug the immediate hole left by the ex-wife for the things he needs/wants. Then he’ll figure out feelings later. Maybe even replace with someone he does have feelings for and will fill the gap you have plugged, bonus!

Honestly, I would run!

He’s really obviously only interested in the nanny/housekeeping services (with benefits!) you’re offering.

who introduces their children to a woman they aren’t in love with (and serious about)? Who gets her to stay at his house every second weekend so he doesn’t have to look after his kids alone?

Not anyone who is going to make a good partner!

He’s in his 40s and taking the piss.