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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

352 replies

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:05

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

OP posts:
CasperGutman · 11/10/2023 07:21

You might know very quickly if you're in love with someone, but to me that doesn't quite mean the same as just plain loving them. To me the latter is somewhat deeper, and could reasonably take longer.

(That was supposed to be a reply to @MaggieBsBoat who said that "at 40 you should know (imo) very quickly if you’re in love with someone.")

ElizaWinter · 11/10/2023 07:21

speakout · 11/10/2023 07:07

I would try seeing him without his kids for a few weeks, see how keen he is then.

Yes this

Conkersinautumn · 11/10/2023 07:21

I didn't introduce my partner to my kids until we were both sure of our trust in each other. He doesn't have trust in the relationship at this point, I'd extricate myself pronto, why waste your time and energy?

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 11/10/2023 07:23

His marriage was done in 2017 he had an affair

Oh my God. Run even faster.

Brefugee · 11/10/2023 07:23

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

there's your answer. He wants a live-in Nanny.

Run. For. The. Hills.

rookiemere · 11/10/2023 07:23

He told you his kids love you, but he isn't sure yet. Well now you know and you would be a fool to continue as the unpaid Mary Poppins.

If you want to continue to see this clown, then tell him you can't do any more childcare until he is clear about his feelings as it's unfair on the DCs to build such a strong bond with you when you are unlikely to be in their future.

Newestname002 · 11/10/2023 07:24

@Marnie1818

It seems too much to spend all that time with his kids and on my own with them if he wasn’t in love with me! I was happy to carry on with our dates etc he introduced me to his kids and friends! He seems to want to rush that aspect but not be in love with me.

You were/are useful to him. Him allowing you into part of his life to provide company (including sexual intimacy), looking after his children and doing cooking and other housework in his home does not equal love. You may not have compartmentalised your life but he certainly has and he's getting more from this arrangement than you.

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

And there you have it.

You've also, in a couple of other posts, recognised that he's using you for free childcare on what should be your child-free time whilst he goes off and does something else.

Is this all you are good for?

Say NO and spend time with friends or other people who truly care for you and let him pay for babysitters rather than you falling for the the spiel he's giving you. Pull your big girl pants up OP. You are worth more than this.🌹

🌹

BlinkerGoBlink · 11/10/2023 07:25

He is gross and using you for childcare.

Run.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 11/10/2023 07:26

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

He sounds like an absolute prize! Why would he have even met your kids when you’ve only been together a few months? Run like hell!

TicTacNicNak · 11/10/2023 07:28

Start saying no to looking after his daughter. Then you may start seeing his true nature.

Personally I'd bin him as nothing you've said about him makes him sound like a catch.

SuperCam · 11/10/2023 07:31

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 03:37

I asked him because he wants me to stay over again this weekend and have his daughter for 3 hours on Sunday! I don’t want to do this! It’s my kid free weekend! I don’t want to do this for someone who wants to play house one minute but I’m not good enough to be in love with - he can't have both! If he isn’t ready yo be in love fine, but stop acting like it

What’s he doing for those 3 hours? Something nice for himself.

Stop asking all these faux-naive questions OP about why he’s like this. You can see quite clearly what he’s doing and why!

cherrypeachparfait · 11/10/2023 07:37

Well if you feel that you are being used then listen to yourself.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 11/10/2023 07:38

If he was looking after your kids, spending a fortune on you and had just given you one of his kidneys, we'd all be replying: "Yes, of course he loves you, just wait for his brain to catch up with his heart"

But because you have been very useful to him and childminding for him, many people are saying: "No, he doesn't love you"

So actually, we cannot answer the question "Do you love me?" for him any better than he could himself.

It's just a word. Looking back, some of my worst relationships were with men who would constantly remind me that they loved me.

Do you FEEL loved? Do you feel respected? That's more important. Is this relationship good for you? (And of course any younger children involved)

I do have to say that his "you could do better" response would annoy the hell out of me though. But you did put him on the spot there.

dudsville · 11/10/2023 07:38

Rafionally, 4 months is too short a time to be making decisions that impact on children. Once both partners confess live then a commitment is usually on the cards. It's too soon for a commitment because of the kids. You need to get to know a person, see how they manage aspects of life, little crises, get to understand their values and ethics and see if you're compatible, etc., so the now crucial for children.

I don't know where either of you are coming from, but it is too soon.

MartyFunkhouser · 11/10/2023 07:39

I would never ask someone this question! It comes across as needy and insecure.

He’s given you an honest answer, which is not what you wanted to hear. I think he’s just not that into you and you need to think about moving on.

Duckswaddle · 11/10/2023 07:40

Yeah he just wants a babysitter. Chuck him back.

napody · 11/10/2023 07:42

Bunnycat101 · 11/10/2023 05:37

If I was his ex I’d be really pissed off that he’d introduced a new girlfriend so quickly and the amount of childcare you’re doing. It does sound like he’s brought you into their lives very quickly. It’s not necessarily a bad thing to be cautious re the ‘I love you’ but it shows dubious judgement to emesh someone who he doesn’t yet love with his kids.

Yep. Especially as he's probably got 50/50 so he doesn't have to pay child maintenance, but only because OP is facilitating that through childcare.

Dentistlakes · 11/10/2023 07:44

Would you rather he lied? Ultimately only you can say whether this is a deal breaker or not. You really haven’t been together very long.

TLDRfuckers · 11/10/2023 07:45

He’s taking the piss.

1month · 11/10/2023 07:45

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 11/10/2023 07:20

@1month

There’s absolutely no way I’d tell someone I was in love with them after such a short amount of time.

That’s fine. But surely you wouldn’t have that someone look after your own children 80% of the time.

Why not?

It sounds like he’s got a pretty good deal - free babysitter, sex on tap, someone saying she’s already in love with him after so soon and so easy to manipulate.

I think he’s laughing with how good he’s got it.

UnRavellingFast · 11/10/2023 07:46

You’re the unpaid nanny with benefits. His answer tells you everything you need to know. I’m sorry about how this must feel. But please walk away.

SauronsArsehole · 11/10/2023 07:46

Op you’re not his partner you’re his replacement fuck buddy/housekeeper/baby sitter.

some men do this during divorce because the reality of them having to do everything alone with their kids hits them like a ton of bricks.

if he was a good dad whatever he does for 3 hrs on a Sunday would be paused or he’d find a club that can do that activity the evenings he doesn’t have kids. Just like mums do all the time. We sacrifice or change what we need to fit with what our children need.

Give him the boot.

keep your child free weekends child free.

make him actually parent his own children .

Morewineplease10 · 11/10/2023 07:51

I can't believe he's introduced you to h9s kids so quickly.

He's a wrong un OP and the least of it is that he's not said he loves you.

Get rid!

Hibernatalie · 11/10/2023 07:51

Withdraw a bit for a while. Be busy for a couple of weekends.

cartagenagina · 11/10/2023 07:51

SauronsArsehole · 11/10/2023 07:46

Op you’re not his partner you’re his replacement fuck buddy/housekeeper/baby sitter.

some men do this during divorce because the reality of them having to do everything alone with their kids hits them like a ton of bricks.

if he was a good dad whatever he does for 3 hrs on a Sunday would be paused or he’d find a club that can do that activity the evenings he doesn’t have kids. Just like mums do all the time. We sacrifice or change what we need to fit with what our children need.

Give him the boot.

keep your child free weekends child free.

make him actually parent his own children .

Exactly this.

He is taking the piss. Bin him.