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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

352 replies

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:05

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

OP posts:
MrsCarson · 12/10/2023 20:26

With that response I've wave goodbye, he sounds like he's really up himself.
He sees you as a free babysitter he can shag. Nasty.

quiteoldad · 12/10/2023 20:30

I once asked my Liverpudlian partner if she loved me, to which she replied
" I'm here aren't I ?"

lettingtheforumdown · 12/10/2023 20:34

HorsesAreRunningOn3LegsTonight · 12/10/2023 19:06

After only a few months I would be embarrassed to ask a BF if they loved me.
If he loves you he’ll tell you in time.
if it was over a year or so , I would expect him to say it , if he did.
It’s up to you if you feel you can stay with him.

Why does anyone even need to tell anyone? Surely the behaviour matters more than whatever words someone comes out with.

JoanOfAllTrades · 12/10/2023 20:36

quiteoldad · 12/10/2023 20:30

I once asked my Liverpudlian partner if she loved me, to which she replied
" I'm here aren't I ?"

I laughed but that’s actually sweet! A few years ago, my DH went through a phase of saying stuff like “ I look so old now, you probably hate looking at with all these wrinkles” (I mean, we are bloody old, so 🤷🏽‍♀️).

And I just laughed and said “yep, that’s because you’ve aged in a vacuum, and I still look like I did 40 years ago!”.

When I went to work, I was telling my friends and they all said that I shouldn’t have laughed at him, but given him reassurance.

Well, what do you expect when you ask a neurodiverse person with ADHD that kind of question!

But if he ever says silly things like that again, I shall totally use this answer!

NotStayingIn · 12/10/2023 20:41

quiteoldad · 12/10/2023 20:30

I once asked my Liverpudlian partner if she loved me, to which she replied
" I'm here aren't I ?"

But he isn't though is he? She's there. There's a world of difference between those two.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/10/2023 20:46

You don't have to dump him but you do have to back off and set some boundaries. You definitely won't 'earn' his love by doing wife work though - if anything will 'earn' it it's having self respect standards and boundaries

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/10/2023 20:46

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

Rubbish man

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/10/2023 20:47

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 03:09

i say stuff like shall we do our own thing at the weekend and he’s like no I’d love to spend it with you - can’t wait to see you - kids love you - I’d be devastated if you ended things - I’ve missed you loads - can I have his daughter again on Sunday! I understand why people say they got the ick but imagine someone asks all of this from you and you want to know where you stand! I wouldn’t involve my kids to that degree if I didn’t love someone. Why be in a relationship if you don’t love the person - that’s dating right?

If you're not spending time with him then you shouldn't have his kids, you should be doing your own thing- he can arrange his own childcare you're not an unpaid nanny (or are you...)

isitshe · 12/10/2023 21:17

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

I haven't read beyond this but he has you dangling on a string. He sounds incredibly self-centered. You were right to question what he said, so be glad you're seeing this stuff now when it's early days.

isitshe · 12/10/2023 21:20

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 03:09

i say stuff like shall we do our own thing at the weekend and he’s like no I’d love to spend it with you - can’t wait to see you - kids love you - I’d be devastated if you ended things - I’ve missed you loads - can I have his daughter again on Sunday! I understand why people say they got the ick but imagine someone asks all of this from you and you want to know where you stand! I wouldn’t involve my kids to that degree if I didn’t love someone. Why be in a relationship if you don’t love the person - that’s dating right?

Bloody hell. he's using you!
He's emotionally manipulating you because he doesn't want to lose a safe babysitter, amongst the other things you bring to his life. It doesn't sound like he brings as much to yours.

Cinnamonhazelnut · 12/10/2023 21:21

😂
Is this thread for real?

sprigatito · 12/10/2023 21:23

Neither of you should be anywhere near the other's kids! The relationship is very new and clearly not yet a long-term commitment. It always amazes me how casual people are with their children and new partners Sad

cakewench · 12/10/2023 22:35

Trouble is, you see the "playing house" with his children as being a major step in the relationship. Yes, to many women, that would be the case.

However, there's loads of men (and you seem to have found one) whose number one priority is replacing the ex wife with someone who will entertain their children. I mean he's even got you babysitting when he isn't there.

Run a mile. Unless you just want to keep being the babysitter he isn't sure if he loves or not.

Blueink · 13/10/2023 01:15

There are a few red flags - particularly when you say he doesn’t really ask about you or your DC and only talks about himself. This is more significant IMO than what he said.

It does seem to have moved very quickly since May. I wouldn’t be too concerned but what he said in the absence of red flags like the above.

It was clumsily said, but clearly he is expressive in other ways and enthusiastic about wanting to spend time together. He obviously does have strong feelings for you and there is an intention on his part to continue to deepen the commitment.

I think if I had gone down the route of asking as you did, I would’ve pushed for more of an explanation at the time and not left it so open to interpretation and assumed the worst.

People have different ideas of love and it’s ambiguous what he understood by your question and what he meant by the answer. It obviously struck him as unexpected.

i wouldn’t assume he is using you for childcare based on your follow up explanation of why he asked you to stay with his DD, but you clearly don’t want to, so don’t. Tell him you want the day to yourself on Sunday to recharge.

I would pull back some more time for yourself and to reflect as there doesn’t seem much breathing space at the moment and it seems to be too much too soon.

2Old2BABPpresenter · 13/10/2023 06:36

I would definitely wave goodbye to that one. I haven’t read the whole thread but have read your responses. My children didn’t meet my partner until we had been in a relationship for 9 months and even then he was told if they didn’t get on with him that would be the end of it. Put yourself and your children first, he will carry on this pattern. Also once a cheater…

AgentJohnson · 13/10/2023 06:51

You’ve been together five minutes and he wants you to look after his children. I do not know how you can respect this man let alone love him. What kind of parent would purposely encourage a bond between you and their children if they weren’t sure about their feelings for you?

Him saying he loves you, will be the carrot he dangles in front of your nose while you run after him proving your ‘loyalty’. WALK AWAY!

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 13/10/2023 07:02

I would say Run, don't walk.
Read your posts back to yourself. You deserve better.

AHG123 · 13/10/2023 08:44

Quit.

Takeabreather23 · 13/10/2023 09:28

He’s not even dating you . Just conveniently fitting you around HIM already at the gym or at HIS home watching HIS kids.

NeedaBreakPlz · 13/10/2023 09:39

That’s a red flag to me. Putting the ‘love’ issue aside, he sounds self obsessed and he is taking advantage of your generosity and empathy. I would recommend you leave now before it gets more complicated and you get even more emotionally involved. I do not see how this can be a long term relationship when he is putting himself first most of the time. I think he should know how he feels about you by now.

RantyAnty · 13/10/2023 10:40

Takeabreather23 · 13/10/2023 09:28

He’s not even dating you . Just conveniently fitting you around HIM already at the gym or at HIS home watching HIS kids.

Exactly this.
There's no dating involved.

Meeting at the gym that he already goes to then her at his on the weekends he has his kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry, childminding..

YourWinter · 13/10/2023 11:46

There’s a world of difference between being in love with someone… and loving someone.

The first is about how you feel. The second is caring about how they feel.

He may never make that seamless move from the first to the second, if he ever actually feels he is “in love” with you anyway.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 13/10/2023 12:10

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

Given this, why are you wasting your time? You can do so much better than a selfish man-child who only wants you to babysit his kids.

Pinkocsb · 13/10/2023 14:58

I’ve been with my partner 7 months and he hasn’t said he loves me. I’m pretty sure he does, but he’s very disillusioned with love after his marriage broke up a couple of years ago. I think he’s just not ready to say the words until he feels more secure. Maybe yours is like that? Actions are what counts. Some people just find it hard to say, or even to know. Maybe he’s neurodiverse and doesn’t get it. That’s a real thing! Good luck x

glenleeegardens · 14/10/2023 01:58

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

If I sent you this what would you say to me?