Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

[Marnie1818]

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

He doesn’t sound that nice.

I don’t think that’s an incredibly long time to know whether you’re in love with someone, not for me anyway. Being in love means different things to different people, I think the comments are quite harsh but it’s all subjective really

Get him chucked today OP!

He is using you and wants a free babysitter / support.

Do you love him?

Sounds like he's being careful as he just went through a divorce. I would respect that.

Are people even reading the thread? He doesn’t give a hoot about OP or her kids, he’s just a user.

There’s nothing to respect here.

Conversely, I truly don't understand people who claim it's genuine love under 9 months. Privately roll my eyes actually, when some friends find true love every few months.

If I sound unemotional, that's not the case – I would say I'm pretty empathetic and emotional. But to me, actual love is obviously different from the infatuation, limerence, and no doubt intense bonding between two primarily physically attracted creatures at the start.

I had strong romantic feelings for many ex boyfriends, but those schoolgirl crushes in no way matched the depth of feeling that developed between my DH and me over time.

i say stuff like shall we do our own thing at the weekend and he’s like no I’d love to spend it with you - can’t wait to see you - kids love you - I’d be devastated if you ended things - I’ve missed you loads - can I have his daughter again on Sunday! I understand why people say they got the ick but imagine someone asks all of this from you and you want to know where you stand! I wouldn’t involve my kids to that degree if I didn’t love someone. Why be in a relationship if you don’t love the person - that’s dating right?

I mean, I think there are 2 different things here.

1. He doesn't show equal consideration and care towards you.

Obviously a no go in any relationship, no matter how much the person says "I love you sweet pea fluffykins dearie goddess".

2. You want to hear honeyed declarations of love after a few months. That's individual preference in different relationships.

To me, I would rather someone truly loved me when they said so, or else it feels sleazy and childish. If you both give real love a chance to develop, then it will.

But again, if this bothers you, then it's another issue. 2 different issues imo.

Arrogant twat.

He wants the kids 50/50 but only if he has someone else to do the actual parenting......

He has you lined up for that.

Why did him and his ex split?

@Marnie1818 love doesn't always happen that quickly. You can be dating but not in love.
The fact he said 'you're not there yet' but wants you as a babysitter would be enough for me to end it.

He talked me into staying in the family home when he had his kids and I think it was so the ex hurried up the divorce

So he's moved another woman into the house to look after him and his kids and have sex on tap. And now he's getting you to dance around more to get him to just say 3 words? He's playing you like a fiddle. Please don't be this naive OP, get rid of this knobhead.

How ofter have you watched his kid?

That was a crap answer he gave you. That must have been really hurtful. If it was me, I’d give it a week to see if he realised the error of his wats and told me loved me. A week. Then I’d be gone and I’d be telling him why. You’re not on this earth to earn his love and if he doesn’t know by now… that’s all you need to know. You deserve so, so much better, it sounds like you’ve brought a lot to the table in the relationship, take it somewhere it’s appreciated. I genuinely think after that amount of time you either know or you don’t. X

Oh dear, op, you might have a good time together, but he wants you there primarily for help with the dc. That's why he's rushed that bit. I hope you're not doing the domestic chores round there??

I think the question is, do you really love him? He doesn't even ask about you and your dc. Sounds like you've been swept along by him.

You're being used as his free child minder and sex in tap.

You asked how someone can do this and not have feelings.

A lot of men can do this. They'll fake entire relationships if it gets them what they want.

Totally agree. That answer is basically trying to get you to do the ‘pick me’ dance. And there isn’t even another woman in the running! Maybe if I just do this more, or try harder here, or stop doing that…. Maybe then he’ll ‘get there’ and love me. That’s what he’s trying to get you to do. Work for it. It’s so wrong. Don’t do it, you’ll end up not even recognising yourself by the time he’s finished with you. It’s a horrible way to treat you.

I asked him because he wants me to stay over again this weekend and have his daughter for 3 hours on Sunday! I don’t want to do this! It’s my kid free weekend! I don’t want to do this for someone who wants to play house one minute but I’m not good enough to be in love with - he can't have both! If he isn’t ready yo be in love fine, but stop acting like it

Have you considered that you might be his rebound relationship?
You are feeling used and useful. Clearly you are putting in more than him. Perhaps he is immature and needs alot of support. This should be the fun stage, excitement, thrills and passion. Not divorce, job hunts and baby sitting.

He does sound very needy and frankly, selfish and cold. Your emotional needs are not being met while he says all the right words to get what he wants.

You sound like a replacement wife or personal assistant.

How about pulling back with all the help and going friends with benefits?

You are 100% right. You love him, he loves him and he loves you loving him. You totally don’t deserve this at all, he’s using you and if you just ‘do more’ and more …and more…. Maybe one day he’ll ‘get there’. If he doesn’t love you then he should be employing you because right now you’re basically working for him. For free. I hate to think of anyone being treated like that OP.

He didn’t ask how I felt in return he just said why did you ask

It sounds like now is the time to put yourself first and protect yourself a little - simply say you’re busy this weekend. His reaction will be telling - if his response is more about who will look after the kids than about not seeing you, that will tell you a lot. Regardless, stick to your guns and have that weekend to yourself - it’s a healthy thing to do regardless

No he’ll make out he’s desperate to see me! He’s booked for us to go away for a weekend next month! I don’t get why he behaves this way

You’ve done too much for him, it’s more of an arrangement than a dating couple. After 4 months, why are you babysitting for him. You should be in the honeymoon zone.
He may be clumsy with words but 😕 I’m not so sure. “Getting there” what does that mean. You either do or you don’t. He would have been better off saying “no, it’s too soon.”