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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces teenage coffee habit is costing ME money!

313 replies

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:41

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

OP posts:
Finteq · 10/10/2023 12:42

You say you're not going. Maybe she wants to ask her dad.

BarnacleBeasley · 10/10/2023 12:42

They probably think you don't mind if you say yes. Why not just say 'no, I don't want to spend money on coffee today, I'm going to make one at home, would you like one?' Then if she still wants to go she can ask her parents.

Orio2023 · 10/10/2023 12:43

You don’t need to make an excuse. You just say no, you don’t want to. I would make sure I was out personally so I didn’t have to deal with this shit on their visits.

JassyRadlett · 10/10/2023 12:44

It depends on whether you want to go or not.

If you do, say "sure, but I can't pay for you this time, do you have your debit card or do you need to get some cash from your parents?"

If you don't, just stick to no. Don't be afraid to be tough. "Sorry, not today. Maybe your mum will take you later."

EpitomeofEpiphany · 10/10/2023 12:44

Be direct. "I don't want to spend more money on having coffee out, we can have one here." If you say it matter of fact like it is, it's not going to be offensive.

AvocadotoastORahouse · 10/10/2023 12:45

"We have no money for treats this week as things are tight, but if Mum or Dad want to give you the money, I'd happily take you in the car"

Then a firm stare at BIL/SIL.

Desecratedcoconut · 10/10/2023 12:45

The 13yo is hardly a nightmare, a mild annoyance at best. Toughen up.

Octobermeterreadtime · 10/10/2023 12:46

Buy her Costa vouchers for birthdays and Xmas. She can pay her own way then.

rookiemere · 10/10/2023 12:46

What's she like when you're out ? Is this about wanting to spend time with you or mostly about getting her beverage of choice?

Ella31 · 10/10/2023 12:46

Why is the child a nightmare or is just the coffee issue?

Mothership4two · 10/10/2023 12:46

TBH I wouldn't expect my 13 year old niece or nephew to pay for a drink out with me. But if you don't want to/it's too expensive/they are being ungrateful say no and then it is up to them to sort out or not

newamsterdam · 10/10/2023 12:46

Desecratedcoconut · 10/10/2023 12:45

The 13yo is hardly a nightmare, a mild annoyance at best. Toughen up.

There could be a billion other reasons she's a nightmare.

Obviously

Desecratedcoconut · 10/10/2023 12:48

newamsterdam · 10/10/2023 12:46

There could be a billion other reasons she's a nightmare.

Obviously

Show quote history

You're right, brace for incoming. It's not coffee at all it's... [epic drip feed]

BoohooWoohoo · 10/10/2023 12:49

Tell her that her dad can pay for it to be deliveroo'ed.

If you go and say nothing then everyone will assume that you don't mind.

lillylovely1993 · 10/10/2023 12:49

Just say No.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 10/10/2023 12:49

“If you want me to take you out for coffee, your parents will have to pay because I haven’t got any spare this week”

declutteringmymind · 10/10/2023 12:49

Just say you've decided that fancy coffees are just for occasional treats nowadays and leave it at that. She sounds entitled

viques · 10/10/2023 12:49

13 is plenty old enough to understand that coffee shop coffee is an expensive treat. I think you have had some excellent suggestions of ways to deal with this, what I suggest is that you practise saying them in front of a mirror so that when the time comes you are confident. And keep repeating your chosen response, you could get caught up in a repetitious wheedle.

IveHadItUpToHere · 10/10/2023 12:50

YABU with your RANDOM capitalisation. It IRKS me so much. Almost as much as an adult being unable to say 'no'. She's a teen. Of course she expects adults to pay. You just need to say you're not taking her and ask her parents to take her instead.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:50

I wont bore you with the details, but she is the most spoiled, entitled brat. Anything she says she gets. and loves a freebie, just like her parents. I also think she knows i am the only one who will take her and may see me as soft. Ive never had a teenage niece before marrying my DH. Any tips on how to set boundaries is appreciated as I cant stomach another latte!

OP posts:
nibblessquibbles · 10/10/2023 12:53

If you can't stomach another latte then just say "no thanks I don't want to go " or if she says please can you take me just say "sorry not today, I'm all coffee out but maybe next time". It's not that hard !

GalileoHumpkins · 10/10/2023 12:53

You don't need to set boundaries, just tell her no or go out when they come round. She's 13, why are you letting her bully you into doing what she wants, if she has a tantrum let her.

rookiemere · 10/10/2023 12:54

Ok well if you don't like her and don't care about having a relationship with her, just say No. "No we aren't buying things like coffees any more as they are too expensive ".

IhearyouClemFandango · 10/10/2023 12:54

"ah no, not today"

JassyRadlett · 10/10/2023 12:54

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:50

I wont bore you with the details, but she is the most spoiled, entitled brat. Anything she says she gets. and loves a freebie, just like her parents. I also think she knows i am the only one who will take her and may see me as soft. Ive never had a teenage niece before marrying my DH. Any tips on how to set boundaries is appreciated as I cant stomach another latte!

You literally say no. It's that simple.

You: "No, I don't fancy a coffee shop trip today."
Her: "But I really really want one."
You: "I get that, but I'm not up for it today. Maybe your parents will take you."

And repeat. It really is that simple.