Nieces teenage coffee habit is costing ME money!

[crossroads1]

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

Exactly this. We have over 10 years age gap between us. But my SIL takes advantage of my DH (her brother) which i have had to raise recently and he now reigns it in whenever she asks for something. She has a husband who earns more than enough (she is a stay at home mum) me and DH both work our socks off - but when it comes to her kids she knows my DH will always give in. Because of his family relying on him so much it has put us behind on having kids as there were so many obligations.

Your analysis is great - are you a psychologist? 13yo does like to be bossy and i have never dealt with a teenager like this before. I never used to ask my aunts/uncles for things when younger; if they asked I would say but I I would never ask outright. She has said many times I am her cool aunt,but i wish she would cool it on asking for so many things so often. I have another niece who never asks and I am more inclined to buy/spend time with her because she isnt so demanding. I hope im making sense! Im not a nasty person but coffeegate happens every so often like clockwork and I wish her parents would be more self aware as to atleast offer the money, i get she is a kid but they could give her pocket money surely. We never go round to theirs, but they come often and totally raid the house!

This is a good idea too.

Yes, a few. But has a lot of cousins similar age. Shes more family orientated than friends. Just like her mother.

I do get it, it can be hard enough to say no to your own friends' suggestions for outings, never mind a younger relative, for whom a refusal can have all kinds of ramifications within a family.

What happens on these coffee shop visits - does she chat with you, or show other signs of enjoying your company? Or does she spend all the time on her phone, and is therefore basically using you as a means to an end?

I tell DH that she keeps asking me to take her out and its expensive. He tells his niece firmly and she listens. With me she just keeps going and I dnt feel i can discipline her because im not blood related/

arethereanyleftatall coffees from Starbucks or Costa usually cost between £4-5. But it's the principle of the niece and parents who assume that op will take her

There is nothing wrong with a 13 year old drinking coffee. It sounds like it's quite a novelty for the niece anyway so not something she drinks every day. But even 1 coffee a day at her age would be ok

If my 13 year old had made arrangements for coffee with their aunt or uncle, I’d mostly consider that between them at that age. You need to say no if you don’t want to.

crossroads1 you don't need to discipline her. Just a no, I'm not able to today is all that's needed. If she keeps on just leave the room

Thanks for your kind response! Yes she does show signs of enjoying y company - we go for a drive, i put her fave music on (ariana grande or whatever theyre listening to) and we get coffee and i buy her some other snacks. I get she is happy to be out of her grandamas house with all the adults (As am I!) but its the constant asking for 'stuff'. she would never go on a walk or a picnic, it has to be something where she is 'getting' something. Maybe im being harsh but from what i know of SIL/BIL, i think its her upbringing. She even bargains at a coffee shop to taste all the flavours! Her dad is in sales - she is certainly his daughter.

I hate this kind of comment, this girl isn't even really OPs niece she is OPs husbands niece.

Good that it wouldn't bother you, but clearly OP is bothered by it. She doesn't want to be rude but she's feeling put out at being expected to pay for the nieces coffee habit.

OP can you mention it to the parents? Just say "I enjoy spending time with Niece but I can't afford to keep going out for coffees. I'm happy to drive her if she has some money, but I can't pay"

Lastly, is it advised for children that young to be drinking caffeine? My 11 year old doesn't even have fizzy drinks so it seems very odd to me that a 13 year old is drinking coffees.

YES exactly this. They know and take advantage that I find it hard to say no or that she doesnt listen to me. Gosh. how is a 13 yo bossing me around?!

Quoting this comment though I appreciate others have made similar comments.
I wonder if the niece is drinking these 'coffees' which are actually more cream, syrup, and other additions, as opposed to actual coffee (so Americano, flat white, Latte at a push)? Costa do also sell nice non-coffee drinks, though if she's referring to coffee it's probably not those. For those not familiar with some of the less 'coffeey' coffees....https://www.costa.co.uk/menu

This! You're a grown woman with a mouth so use it. You're picking on a child because you can't use your mouth?? No one is holding a gun to your head - just don't go what is the big deal? Don't understand these threads where people make such a big drama of their lives over something so petty and which they have complete control and choice over!

I 100% agree. She has lattes, frappes, matchas. She wants to be more grown up than she is (oh silly girl) and whatever she sees the women doing -make up, drinks, desserts - she wants to emulate. I dont want to be rude as i know it will cause a ruckus between SIL/BIL, the latter who is very outspoken and blunt. If I asked for a fiver for coffee he would probably laugh in my face.

She usually gets one of those mixed things. Its all over my head. But its certianly not a hot chocolate thats for sure.

Exactly. Just say that you are cutting down on eating out.

You say no and you point her towards the kettle.
For heaven's sake, she's not even your niece, she's your husband's niece.

"I said no and I meant no,' is a good phrase for starters if you can't remember back to when you were 13.
Get a grip - she's 13 and you're an adult. You shouldn't be frightened of her.

say, "sure, your treat today then"
or "are you sure you can afford it, it's really expensive"
or to the parents "sling us a tenner then, I'll take her but you're paying"
and so on.

See that would really wind me up, that she clearly does not respect you but does your Dh, her uncle/male relative. I would put on a resting bitch face around her and don’t be too friendly from now on if you can help it. Are there any cultural/family expectations? In my community it’s seen as the elder brother is the care taker of everyone even if they’re financially independent which in reality means everyone else can take advantage, no thanks is given because they think it’s his job and duty anyway so you won’t hear thank you. And often the men get away with not needing to do this and it’s left to the woman, often the daughter in law who is bottom of the pecking order. Maybe it’s something like that because surely her parents would be like wtf here’s some money, seems they think they’re entitled but I could be projecting. They’re probably obvious as they’re so self centred. But I would tell your Dh to take her to see how annoying it is first hand and I bet that would put her off once as she knows Dh won’t feel pressured to give her whatever she wants.

OP your 14.06.

Although you have already paved-the-way for your neice thinking she can get anything out of you, it is time for you to put some significant clear water between you and your neice.

I can see there is some complex family dynamics which are (arguably unfairly) encroaching on you.

These are some no obligation suggestions:

• as the dynamics stem from your husbands side of the family, I am assuming your husband knows your feelings about this and still - "like"s is the wrong word - maybe "appreciates" you doing this for your neice. I get it might be a girl-bonding thing but can you say to your husband - you can take neice out for coffee this time. If he has to keep shelling out with his own money, he will see first hand what it is like. She probably won't like it but it will at least clarify whether it is (i) the coffee; or (ii) the one up-manship / wanting to feel on the same level as you - which your neice is really after.
• if your husband won't take neice out for coffee himself, make him reimburse you. He tolerates these lack of boundaries within his own family dynamics and if he wants those to continue he should pay for them.
• if the above two are impossible to pull off I strongly suggest you start to deliberately absent yourself from family gatherings like this (after locking away your Chanel makeup so it doesn't get borrowed in your absence!!). I can absolutely guarantee that you not bending to this 13 year olds wishes will not make her admire you less. She might "hate" you for not giving her all-the-treats in a childish kind of way but setting a firm boundary will absolutely make her admire you more (not, I would hope, that you should care about that but if its a good role model for the neice the adults are after, then she can look up to you from afar).

*She wants to be more grown up than she is (oh silly girl) and whatever she sees the women doing -make up, drinks, desserts - she wants to emulate.

Thats just part of being a teenager though, hovering between child and adult and finding her feet. My DD12 wouldn’t necessarily know my make up was a premium brand, or get that a particular restaurant was expensive. She asks and I say “no”. We might go for a coffee/frappe type thing if I have the money but I’d I don’t I say “no”.

I think you’re ascribing malice to her when she’s basically being a teenager. If you don’t want to fund her coffee habit don’t do it. Let her parents deal with any fall out.

Yes I agree with pp above, I actually think she does not respect you because she can boss you about, whereas I bet if boundaries are put in place she will watch herself and inevitable have more respect in terms of how she approaches you.

This, definitely. Why is it your responsibility to buy someone else's child overpriced coffee? It's not.

Run this one by me again. I'm not getting the logic here based around the situation that the OP is facing.
The OP doesn't want to have to fork out for the likes of Costa or Starbucks for her niece and your suggestion is to pay in a lump sum for a gift card/vouchers for her niece instead of on an as required basis??? In my mind, that is still the OP paying for her niece's coffee. Am I missing something here??

Why don't you/your DH say to the parents of the 13yr old "You really should get a Revolut account for X so you can keep it topped up and she can pay her own way for her coffee emergencies" or "You could arrange for X to get a gift card with an amount on it for her coffee emergencies when she visits", all said lightheartedly.

Tell her to order coffee for delivery, Uber, Deliveroo and just eat deliver.