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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces teenage coffee habit is costing ME money!

313 replies

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:41

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

OP posts:
Grumpy101 · 10/10/2023 13:22

This is on you. She's 13. Most 13 year olds have no concept of money, particularly if no one ever says no to them. You're the adult, you're the one that just needs to say "not today". Rinse and repeat.

WomanHereHear · 10/10/2023 13:23

Sorry you’re being abit of a martyr here. Any reason why your Dh doesn’t take her himself? Are you scared of looking tight in front of her parents so you oblige? Or does your Dh expect you to play nice all the time? She probably sees you as low down on the pecking order because you live with your mil so she feels she can boss you about. Maybe she hears her parents speaking of you a certain way so she thinks she can do what she likes. Should nip that in the bud.

wishon · 10/10/2023 13:23

I didn't grow up in the UK but where I did, most teens had their own pocket money? Of course adults would treat them every now and then, but not all the time.

I also recall how, as I grew from child to social media happy teen, things went from being a genuine treat to a momentary thing to show off and then promptly forget about while chasing the next social media high – so definitely not worth wasting your hard earned money on.

You can just say confidently but nicely "go on, have you got your pocket money on you", "I haven't got any cash on me/I don't want to use that card, why don't you ask your parents for a tenner". And finally (as if it's her problem, which it is) "oh dear, never mind, we'll come back next time" and don't buy her a thing.

Graciebobcat · 10/10/2023 13:23

Sounds a bit tight and unpleasant to me. Poor girl probably likes spending time with her young aunt and doesn't know she bitched about her online.

jenpil · 10/10/2023 13:24

Just tell her you're cutting back on unnecessary spends, so you won't be going from now on. But advise she can always go another time with her parents.

Then offer to make coffee in your kitchen.

MistyMooPup · 10/10/2023 13:25

If you keep saying yes how do they know money is an issue? You need to say you can’t do it every week only once in a while.

hennaoj · 10/10/2023 13:25

She might be bored, sitting around with visiting 'adults' and would rather spend time with you. Can you sugest an alternative to her? McDonalds does fairly nice coffee and is much cheaper or a nice scenic walk. Failing that, it's her turn to pay next time with her pocket money.

ActDottie · 10/10/2023 13:28

I think you just have to be firm with her but obviously that’s easier said than done.

Mariposista · 10/10/2023 13:29

I love going for coffee. It’s probably my one indulgence. But either alone or with people I actually like and enjoy spending time with and who are worth spending this money on. It’s the whole experience. YANBU.

kitsuneghost · 10/10/2023 13:30

Take her. order. ask for the money
when she says i haven't got any say 'well neither do I' and give her a long quiet look.

Imtootiredtothinkofausername · 10/10/2023 13:30

You say She is never told no. but you are also feeding into that.
Just say no.
Sorry, not today. I can make you coffee here or you can ask your parents later.
and repeat.
No need for there to be any huge drama, it is just a simple no.
But honestly, maybe you should embrace the coffees. Talk to her, get to know her, try to bond. As from your post, it really doesn't sound like you like her very much.

In terms of money awareness, if her parents are rich and she is spoilt, then obviously she genuinely won't get the money thing. Children learn by what they live, it isn't her fault. Maybe you could try to teach her rather than just hating on her?

1month · 10/10/2023 13:31

OP I take my nieces out and it can cost me a lot because they don’t really understand the value of money.

Of course they love going and having a meal or some kind of treat but they just want to spend time with most of all.

So I do free/cheap things instead and take a picnic to the park, come to mine and watch a film with popcorn or go to the beach and instead of buying them ice creams there, get a box of them in Asda.

Just say you can’t afford to go Starbucks but you can do X, Y, Z instead.

WhatWhereWho · 10/10/2023 13:31

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:41

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

You say no that's how. Decide what you are comfortable with and then have your own ground rules. She's 13 she cannot force you to go out for a coffee. And then at an appropriate time talk to her parents. If she's an entitled 'brat' as you say it's because she's being encouraged to be.

vickylou78 · 10/10/2023 13:31

Think you are over thinking this. If she asks you again, just say 'no sorry not today', or 'sorry not today, I don't have any spare money for Costa coffee this week', let's make one here shall we etc etc. Or something similar.

No need to feel guilty

chemicalworld · 10/10/2023 13:32

I'm not sure why this is so difficult - if my niece asked me to buy her Chanel make up, i'd tell her it was special make up that people buy when they are older and have more money - she can wait till she's older. Don't be afraid of just saying 'No'. It is a full sentence.

SirenSays · 10/10/2023 13:33

I feel like I'm missing something here. Teens want stuff and don't like to be told no, its hardly breaking news. My tactic is to say oops no coffee money left, are you paying or should we make nice ones at home.

Viviennemary · 10/10/2023 13:33

You will sound Scrooge like. Just don't go or ask the parents to go too or to take her. Or take her out to the shops but no coffees.

maialo · 10/10/2023 13:33

These are her parents and they should be responsible for her expenses.Be honest and straightforward. Tell your SIL that you cannot afford to pay for her daughter's coffee. You can add that you realise she may be surprised, but you are just not in the best financial position.

Kaill · 10/10/2023 13:35

She’s a kid. Of course she doesn’t understand how much stuff costs, or how much adults earn, and she doesn’t think asking her own aunt to take her for a coffee is unreasonable. Especially when you’ve made a habit of it in the past. She probably looks forward to visiting and spending time with you, and thinks you’re cooler and younger than her parents. She copies you and wants to have what you have and go where you go. I doubt it’s greed or selfishness - it’s literally a little kid wanting to copy someone they admire and take a photo to brag to their friends.

If you really don’t want to spend the money and don’t want to take her, then say no. Eventually she’ll get the message and stop asking. But as pp have said, £3 a couple of times a month isn’t a lot to spend on a young relative who clearly looks up to you.

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 10/10/2023 13:36

go in the kitchen and make coffee for everyone!! nothing wrong with instant! tell her you are all coffeed out!

Yes, maybe I'm missing something, but aren't coffee shops normally for grabbing a drink when you're out and about? Why would you specifically go out to get something that you can very quickly and easily make right where you are? You can even get these fancy branded machines for home now, so you're not forced to just have instant.

I'm far too old to understand Snapchat or Insta, but I will never understand the desperation to send endless pictures to your friends of the most standard, routine food and drink available absolutely everywhere. By all means, if it's a beautiful bespoke birthday cake or a similar labour of love after two hours in the kitchen - but does anybody ever look at a picture and exclaim "Wow, so THAT's what a Starbucks latte/McDonald's Happy Meal looks like!!!" ?

Justletpeopleenjoythings · 10/10/2023 13:36

Why does no one on mumsnet have a backbone?

MCOut · 10/10/2023 13:36

You are absolutely ridiculous. It’s clear that she just wants to spend time with you. I can’t get past the idea that a 13-year-old loves a freebie she’s 13. Her entire life is a freebie. You are choosing to not say no but it’s tight to be resenting less than £5 on your niece a month.

phoenixrosehere · 10/10/2023 13:38

YANBU for not wanting to buy her coffee or things in general.

YABU for giving in and calling her spoiled when you’re choosing to go along with it.

I don’t recall ever asking my aunts for anything when out with them, and if we stopped somewhere they would ask me what I would like and treat me or ask if I wanted to come along with them somewhere and I would go and ask my parents for money before going (before I had an allowance).

Flyinggeesei234 · 10/10/2023 13:42

kitsuneghost · 10/10/2023 13:30

Take her. order. ask for the money
when she says i haven't got any say 'well neither do I' and give her a long quiet look.

Who in earth would do that to a 13 year old?!

millymog11 · 10/10/2023 13:42

If you are 10 years younger than her own parents then this feels like a combination of:

  • your neice feels "in competition" with you as a lot of teenagers tend to do
  • you yourself feel threatened by your neice as some kind of competition to yourself - maybe because you feel she as a 13 year old (via her parents) has more economic power available to her than you do (as an adult with bills to pay etc)
  • maybe you feel disrespected by your neices parents who you feel view you as some kind of "playmate" for their daughter

Whatever the case and irrespective of whether any of the above are true, am I right in thinking there is at least ten years age gap between your neice and yourself (i.e. you are at least 23 years old)?

Assuming that is the case, it is double important you switch your approach and start distancing yourself from your neice, I would even struggle not to laugh at her and make remarks like "don't your parents know that caffeine is bad for growing teenagers" and "it will be great when you get your first Saturday job and you have your own money - how about a Saturday job in a Starbucks?"

The more you let her see you as some kind of peer on her level who she can boss around, the more she will do it. I know this for certain as I have a 14 year old teenage daughter. You need to turn it around and prompto.