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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces teenage coffee habit is costing ME money!

313 replies

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:41

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 10/10/2023 13:09

Just say no, you aren't able to take her, or say you can take her if she brings pocket money to pay for her drink (and make sure her parents give it to her).

I think treating a child in the family to a drink or an ice cream out is pretty standard though and you are maybe being a bit miserly. Slightly different situation because they are our houseguests but when BIL/SIL visit us, they often take ours out for a treat...which they bloody well should as they then spend the next week eating and drinking us dry without so much as an offer to pay for a meal or get a takeaway or buy in some snacks or drinks. But I think it's pretty normal to buy a drink here and there for family.

If it doesn't work for you, just say no though. I don't regularly buy my own dc any fancy Costa drinks.

MarkWithaC · 10/10/2023 13:09

I don't understand how this happens. When she asks, can't you just say, 'As your mum and dad.'?

gamerchick · 10/10/2023 13:09

I'd just start saying no. Over and over, louder and louder and if she kicks off she can leave, or you do.

What's the worst that can happen? You dont see her? Sounds like a plan to me

BarbaraofSeville · 10/10/2023 13:10

RedHelenB · 10/10/2023 12:56

It's your nice. It s a nice memory surely, your Costa coffees together? It wouldn't bother me personally.

How nice that you can buy coffee for two all the time without worrying about the cost.

It might only be a few quid a time but it can add up to hundreds, if not thousands of pounds a year and not everyone wants to spend their money like that.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 13:10

millymog11 · 10/10/2023 13:03

OP just curious, are you much younger than your neices parents? (i.e. does your neice see you as some kind of cool aunt person she can try to wind round her little finger)?

Yes Im about 10 years younger than her parents.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/10/2023 13:10

Niece - can we go get a latte?
@crossroads1 - No, I can't afford it.
Niece - throws tantrum.
@crossroads1 - do you think behaving badly is going to make me want to buy you treats?

Repeat as necessary.

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 13:10

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:59

I wouldnt mind if she wasnt such a brat; she doesnt stop until she gets what she wants and throws a tantrum. This is why im probably resisting so much. I might add it isnt solely fixed to coffee; if she hears me and DH have gone for dinner the next time she comes round she will say can we go to that restaurant? or she asked me to buy her Chanel make up for Christmas after she saw mine!

Show quote history

Learn to say no with a big smile. Sorry but no I'm not going to buy coffee today. Chanel make up is expensive and really made for adults. If you want some ask your Dad he likes to treat you.

Coffeerum · 10/10/2023 13:11

but she is the most spoiled, entitled brat. Anything she says she gets. and loves a freebie, just like her parents.

Bit ironic complaining her parents love a freebie while you live with your MIL though.

Coffeerum · 10/10/2023 13:12

@BarbaraofSeville *How nice that you can buy coffee for two all the time without worrying about the cost.

It might only be a few quid a time but it can add up to hundreds, if not thousands of pounds a year and not everyone wants to spend their money like that.*

Well two coffee a month does not add up to hundreds or thousands a year by any calculation!

GrumpyPanda · 10/10/2023 13:12

If you don't like her don't take her. Poor girl - for her it's probably an opportunity to bond with another adult in her family and not a snap chat occasion - such a nasty take. As to the parents, I'd probably offer to pay if you were taking her shopping or to a restaurant, but it wouldn't occur to me for a measly cup of coffee once in a blue moon.

Just out of interest, are you paying rent to the Pil?

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 13:14

Coffeerum · 10/10/2023 13:11

but she is the most spoiled, entitled brat. Anything she says she gets. and loves a freebie, just like her parents.

Bit ironic complaining her parents love a freebie while you live with your MIL though.

MIL has a lot of health problems where she cant live alone. My DH has paid the mortgage since he has been working and we cover everything in the house.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 13:15

GrumpyPanda · 10/10/2023 13:12

If you don't like her don't take her. Poor girl - for her it's probably an opportunity to bond with another adult in her family and not a snap chat occasion - such a nasty take. As to the parents, I'd probably offer to pay if you were taking her shopping or to a restaurant, but it wouldn't occur to me for a measly cup of coffee once in a blue moon.

Just out of interest, are you paying rent to the Pil?

Me and DH cover mortgage together. MIL is elderly and wheelchair bound.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 13:15

Please just say I’ve gone off costa but there’s some juice in the kitchen

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 13:16

@GrumpyPanda have you got any experience with teen girls?

of course it’s a snap chat opportunity! Everything is to teens these days

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 13:17

Quitelikeit · 10/10/2023 13:16

@GrumpyPanda have you got any experience with teen girls?

of course it’s a snap chat opportunity! Everything is to teens these days

She snapchats our coffees in front of me!

OP posts:
MikeRafone · 10/10/2023 13:17

Can we go to costa

no not today

can we go

do you ever stop asking for stuff

can we go

have you no shame keep asking for stuff

can we go

the answer was no

can we go

the answer is no, which bit don't you understand?

EvilElsa · 10/10/2023 13:17

If you dislike her so thoroughly then just don't take her. Nobody has a gun to your head making you go and buy her a coffee. If she nags then she nags. Walk off and don't listen to it or go out.

viques · 10/10/2023 13:17

Ps find a kiko store and show her how much further her money will go on a make up stash than a couple of Chanel products! And they have lots more samples out to try.Smile

1month · 10/10/2023 13:19

Just say you can’t afford it.

So either her parents will pay it you don’t go.

I think you’re making it a bigger issue than it needs to be.

Runnerinthenight · 10/10/2023 13:20

Tell her you've gone off coffee.

affeny · 10/10/2023 13:20

It's possible she has no idea you're not well off, and it sounds like she likes you and wants to spend time with you.

Have you actually bought the Chanel make up, the jewellery and the meals out, or just the coffee?

If it is just the coffee cost, and you're struggling, then you could mention to the parents and tell them you enjoy taking her for coffee but can't afford it very often, or tell your niece something like that.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/10/2023 13:20

Just say no, neither she nor anyone else can force you. For Christmas and birthday presents buy her gift cards for coffee chains.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/10/2023 13:22

The more you write op, the more I think they're not so much tight, as it just wouldn't occur to them that you'd need/expect/even think about getting the money back.

You live with your mil, who has a 13 yo grandchild, so surely hasn't got that much mortgage left to pay, so between the 3 of you (you've said you all contribute) - the mortgage can't be that much. Maybe I'm wrong.

You say this is twice a month. A coffee is about £3.

It wouldn't occur to most people that they'd need to give an aunty (who is living cheaply in their own mothers house) £3 to take her niece out for coffee occasionally.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 10/10/2023 13:22

She's your husbands niece and your niece by marriage. She sounds like a step child whose existence you resent.

FrenchandSaunders · 10/10/2023 13:22

How frequently do they visit?

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