Nieces teenage coffee habit is costing ME money!

[crossroads1]

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

I don’t think it’s that hard. Either say “sorry I can’t go at the moment, maybe your parents will take you” or “I’m sorry I can’t afford to buy you coffee at the moment!”

This!

Don't you just laugh and say "oh lovely, are you treating us to coffee?"

Or, if you're happy to drive her there, drop her off to collect her takeaway frappuccino or whatever and pick her up on the corner?

Thinking of the mortgage payments as rent is all very well if they actually want to be renting or can't afford to buy their own property anyway.

If they could be building up their own equity in their own property if they weren't paying someone else's mortgage, it's not fine at all.

But most people who rent are paying someone else’s mortgage!

these are adults who have agreed to live with the MIL. There is no law saying they have to do so. They aren’t paying a mortgage on a hour the own - so they are paying rent.

I think DH Needs to pay!

Most people don't want to rent if they have the option of buying their own home.

And it doesn't actually sound like the OP has much choice in the matter. The MIL can't afford to pay her own mortgage and it sounds like she needs significant practical help.

What would happen if the OP and her husband decided to move out, buy their own house and leave the MIL behind? Would the family be fine with that? Would SIL and her husband step up, start paying her mortgage and providing the practical assistance that the OP and her husband are currently providing?

The same SIL and her husband who can't be arsed to drive their own child to Starbucks and too mean to give her money to buy her own coffee but expect the OP to do these things instead?

I do not think so.

Would it be an option to get a supermarket costa jar in and make her that?

Who wants to Snapchat that?

Who wants to Snapchat that?

To be honest, I can't see the fascination in Snapchatting a standard Costa drink in a standard Costa outlet anyway. It's hardly Liberace at the Palladium, is it?

You're not wrong!

Sorry, not today, perhaps SIL/BIL can take you?

Sorry, I'm doing a coffee detox at the moment and it would be too tempting for me to go there. SIL/BIL can take you.

Sorry, I'm not feeling well/not up to drive.

Sorry, I'm going out/meeting a friend/going for a run/have too much housework to do.

Sorry, but no.

Can you arrange to be out when she comes?

Or speak to BIL/SIL before they come and ask them to go there on the way (and pick you up one too!)

Is it the coffee she likes or the time with you/being out of the house/being away from her parents?

Why don't we go for a walk instead?

Why don't we watch a film instead?

Tell you what, if you wash the car/fold the laundry/help with lunch, I'll take you for a coffee as a reward.

From the other point of view, if I was the BIL/SIL and someone took my daughter out once a month for a coffee I would assume that they were doing it willingly, enjoyed her company and didn't begrudge the money for the drink.

I wouldn't think to bill my sibling for taking out my niece/nephew and I probably wouldn't think to offer the money for a coffee that is bought when I wasn't there.

You are the adult, it is your money and if you are spending it on coffee for your niece then that is your choice, not theirs - they already told her no.

@PestilencialCrisis - if the OP were inviting her niece to go for coffee, I'd agree with you, but as the girl is asking her aunt to take her, if I were her parent, I'd be offering to pay, or giving her the money so she could pay for herself and treat her aunt.

@PestilencialCrisis But the niece refuses to take no for an answer when the OP doesn't want to go.

I assume that these conversations are happening within her parents' earshot.

What kind of person, when hearing their 13 year old child repeatedly haranguing her aunt to take her to Starbucks and having a tantrum when the aunt said no, would not say, "DD, stop that right now! No means no."

Exactly

If you read properly, there is massive entitlement from the in laws here, they think it is OP’s husband’s duty to be the family caretaker as I assume fil is not around. So this extends to op, as always the woman is expected to do the free childcare and other shit work that she doesn’t really want to. She won’t get thanks because it is expected of her.

The op has said the niece is a “spoilt brat“ and I wonder if the niece would act like this around her other grandparents from her father’s side or is it reserved for op because they expect her to be the pushover because op has mentioned that sil does not bother her own husband and in laws in the way she bothers her brother (op’s dh). This is what happens in some joint family type communities anyway, the wives are not allowed to ask for much from their husband and in laws but are expected to go back to their own family, it’s a patriarchy/gender bias thing but with that obligation on the op’s Dh (and her), there should be a lot of privilege ie the Dh should be the one to solely inherit the house because of all the caretaking and financial contributions he’s making, but here op thinks it will be split or even worse the sil will take it all. The Dh seems very passive in all of this, so they’re majorly taking advantage of him when they know if they stuck to the ‘rules’ it should be her Dh inheriting it all.

I know op has her own savings etc but if you are contributing bills or giving general care to mil, saving on care bills, or limiting your working hours so you are more available for the in laws and their kids, I would want that legally recognised and have a share in the house as because all the help op is providing to her dh’s mother, it is allowing her Dh to pay the mortgage so it’s really wrong she does not have any share in the property. But I guess it’s not something op can change unless she makes a noise about it and I doubt her Dh will listen if he’s not even bothered about the stuff that concerns him

@MargotBamborough Snapchat is not the bee all and end all.

I have a teen, I get it.

But if she's only going for Snapchat and not because she actually likes coffee, id be inclined to stop it even more!

This.

I think we have been caught in a strange meaningless argument!

my point was simply that they are paying the mortgage for a house they never expect to own. They aren’t paying to get the house - so they should think of it as dead money - money to put a roof over their head.

I am not arguing they are doing the right thing. If they would rather pay for their own home and get their own mortgage then they should.

but getting bitter about paying someone else’s mortgage is pointless- millions of renters are doing just that

Op, people.who have money, I.e your in laws often don't understand that other people don't have access to money as easily. They may think the 3 pound per month or whatever it is doesn't bother you.

Anyway, it sounds like you don't like the girl though so that's moot. Stop facilitating a relationship with her because you don't like her.

Yes but the point is that most people who rent are doing it either out of choice or because they don't have the financial means to buy.

The OP and her husband appear to be doing it out of obligation, in which case I think it would be incredibly unjust if SIL were to inherit it. The OP and her husband should be protecting their own interests now by either having part of the house put in their name or buying their own property instead of paying the MIL's mortgage for her.

I wouldn't be happy bringing children into this setup.

Say "yes if your parents are paying!"

Again I am not arguing with you😂.

I am simply clarifying to op that she isn’t paying a mortgage - she is paying rent.

I will leave it there as I think we are having an odd argument which is at cross purposes!

I think you can buy costa coffee in the supermarket now maybe that’s a cheaper option x

Just say sorry theres no petrol in the car, but i love the idea someone further up added buy her costa vouchers for Christmas.

You are fully entitled to say no. However, does she just want to ‘spend’ time with you? Or maybe her parents are so tight that she sees it as a little treat you do for her.
I suggest the next time you both go maybe mention next time you can treat me? And see what her reply is.
Being a teenager is hard even for little rich kids, she may just want some time with someone/ an adult without the pressure.