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Original poster

Partner doesn't know where he was ??

206 replies

Lauryn95 · 10/10/2023 08:56

What would you do if your partner went out to the pub then it progressed to going to town as in late bars and clubs and then you woke up in the morning and he didn't come home ,then he didn't come home til noon the following day and "couldn't remember" where he stayed

OP posts:
AmandaHoldensLips · 10/10/2023 11:39

He's lying. Probably trying to buy some time while he tries to think of some kind of story to spin you.

Grimchmas · 10/10/2023 11:43

Lauryn95 · 10/10/2023 10:03

Apparently he doesn't know.... he literally said he can't remember like I'm an idiot

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I'm so sorry. There's no way this is true.

A teenager or young adult getting black out drunk - yeah, that can happen. But a grown man who knows how he handles alcohol - next to impossible that he doesn't remember how he got home.

He's lying because he thinks he will look bad. Whether it's as bad as he slept with another woman or not, who knows. I think you have to assume the worst of he won't tell you though.

Don't feel bad about calling his parents. It's just Karma that he's going to have to explain himself or make himself look like a prick to his parents as well as you.

Ireallywantsomechips · 10/10/2023 11:45

if he can’t even be bothered to come up with an explanation it seems like he’s hoping you will end it anyway. If he had done something he shouldn’t but wanted to be with you he would surely have some kind of cover story.

Grimchmas · 10/10/2023 11:46

Lauryn95 · 10/10/2023 09:17

He has to be drug tested at work so normally I'd say no but tbh no idea probably both

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If I were you I'd drop an anonymous tip off to his workplace that he should be tested ASAP. Plenty of places online to create a burner email address or mobile number.

That should deal with if it was drugs or not.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/10/2023 11:50

What’s worrying is that he seems to not even care enough to make up a story.

Most people would think ‘Fuck, fuck, I’ve had a one night stand and I’m rocking up at home at midday on a Sunday. Quick quick think of a story. I’ll say I bumped in to Matt and Steve from college who I last saw in 2003 and we started catching up, having a laugh, doing shots, went to a late night club and ended up crashing out at Matts flat, hotel, went for a fry-up this morning and my phone died.

He doesn’t seem to even give a shit and thinks you’re going to be satisfied with a half-arsed ‘can’t remember’. I’d be going mental.

Newmumatlast · 10/10/2023 11:51

It would make more sense if he rocked up early hours still off his face and didn't know how he got there but not when he turned up at noon the next day, hours after the pubs and clubs shut and he likely last drank.

StonwEd · 10/10/2023 11:53

Yep my ex did this. In fact It was the day I finally grew strong enough to stand up to his bull shit and get rid.
He lost a shoe and pissed himself in the process, can you imagine being attracted to that anymore! Although I actually believe he didn’t cheat because of how disgusting he must have been, Coke defo played a part though.
Good luck, you deserve better

Nevermind31 · 10/10/2023 11:53

he must have woken up somewhere. Does he look and smell clean? Covered in vomit?
I’d ask him to move to the spare bedroom until he can remember…

Cockmigrant · 10/10/2023 11:54

Nah it's bullshit.
He's either been with someone else or he was doing drugs somewhere and didn't want to tell you so needed to sober up first.
It's telling that he can't even be bothered to think up a story.

Anyway, suppose, just suppose for one minute it is true. which it isn't
Do you really want to be with someone who gets so pissed/high that they disappear until lunchtime the next day and can't remember where they were?

Gnomegnomegnome · 10/10/2023 12:04

If I couldn’t remember where I had been or how I got somewhere I would probably be sat in an and e trying to find out what was going on! Imagine how terrifying that would be.

He thinks that you are stupid. Don’t be stupid.

Mikimoto · 10/10/2023 12:10

I was lost/
In Fraaaance....

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2023 12:17

In the unlikely event that he did black out and conveniently can’t remember where he was then I wouldn’t kick him out but I would ask to check his phone in front of him to see where he’s been as it looks suspicious otherwise. Tell him that you’d assume if you were in a similar situation/position he’d do same to you, and you’d be ok with this.

If he says no to this, then boot him out and look for a divorce lawyer.

Sadly I know from previous experiences a man’s friends definitely lie and cover up for cheating for their mate.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 10/10/2023 12:20

Goodadvice1980 · 10/10/2023 10:53

Benefit of the doubt, spiked drink??

Yeah that would be convenient wouldn’t it?!

In my experience it’s been women I know who’ve had their drink spiked, not men.

GarlicGrace · 10/10/2023 12:20

dcsp · 10/10/2023 10:10

This is one thing that actually makes me think it may not be what everyone else is assuming... I mean if he had cheated, he would surely have come up with some kind of story!

Is it possible he was still drunk to the point of disorientation in the morning so has no recollection of where he woke up?

It's possible that his phone and/or bank cards will give some clue as to where he's been.

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That's what I was thinking, too - if he wanted to hide something from you, he'd have made up a story. He must've been so hammered he still couldn't think by the time he got home to you.

But he DID get home, therefore he knew where he was when he started making his way back. It's quite a good idea to see if he's left a trail; if he's had a blackout, he'd probably like to know what he's been up to as well!

autumn1610 · 10/10/2023 12:29

He’s definitely lying but who knows for what reason. I would automatically go to cheating. But I also know my partners mate fell asleep behind a club basically in the bin store, woke up with no phone and no money and had to walk to his mates to basically get help in the morning as didn’t exactly I’ve local. Maybe he is super embarrassed about something like that. But also have to ask the question why it took him until 12 to come home especially if he hadn’t lost his phone or anything.

Janieforever · 10/10/2023 12:30

GarlicGrace · 10/10/2023 12:20

That's what I was thinking, too - if he wanted to hide something from you, he'd have made up a story. He must've been so hammered he still couldn't think by the time he got home to you.

But he DID get home, therefore he knew where he was when he started making his way back. It's quite a good idea to see if he's left a trail; if he's had a blackout, he'd probably like to know what he's been up to as well!

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Honestly. If you think everyone is smart enough, or cares enough, to make up a story in advance that can be validated then I do envy you.

and no one can be so hammered they can’t think but can get themselves home. It is impossible as by definition, you need to think to get home

‘of course he knows where he was. He just doesn’t wish to tell her.

vivainsomnia · 10/10/2023 12:32

There are some medication you can take that will make you act sensibly (or at least enough to keep you safe) but leave you with no memory at all of anything you did up to a certain point. High dose of valium will do that.

Olika · 10/10/2023 12:32

He must know where he woke up and how he got home.

AlexandriasWindmill · 10/10/2023 12:34

It sounds as though he didn't know what his friends had told you so was being vague in the hope they'd cover for him. He's definitely a liar and probably a cheat.I'd tell him to go stay with his parents. At least they already know he disappeared for hours, leaving you worried sick.

Thebigblueballoon · 10/10/2023 12:37

Getting black out drunk and not remembering the majority of the night? I can just about believe that.
Not remembering how I got home at midday the following day? Fuck off. Even if you were still half cut, you’d vaguely remember where you woke up and how you made it home.
Your husband is as thick as mince, and he’s crediting you with the same level of intelligence if he believes you’ll accept his “Duh, don’t remember” explanation.
He’s either cheated (likely), taken a crap ton of drugs with similarly loser pals, or he’s woken up somewhere in a drunken stupor and doesn’t want to admit what shit he has been up to. None of them are attractive prospects.

Hoorahfordogs · 10/10/2023 12:37

He’s cheated. I’m so sorry OP - you deserve better

My ex did this exact thing to me when I was 6 months pregnant - I was calling his phone which was ringing out at 6/7am in the morning. Also called his Mum. He arrived home 11am also apparently no memory of where he stayed and apparently couldn’t call me as his phone had no battery - funny as it was ringing out!!

3 months after my daughter was born I found out he had actually been shagging a local 21 year old woman. He was 40 and I was 31 at the time

And this is why he is my ex!!!

goldierocks · 10/10/2023 12:39

I think it's a long shot, but medically possible for blackouts to happen.

From personal experience - I was out one evening for a work event (I was in my early 30's). The next morning I had absolutely no recollection of being there, or my journey home. My colleagues said I was a bit quiet but otherwise perfectly normal. It scared me a bit (not knowing when I blacked out or for how long), but I put it down to work stress.

The next episode was a couple of years later. Similar situation, only this time no alcohol was involved. I lost an entire day of my memory. I had private medical insurance and was able to get an appointment with a neurologist for the following day. I had an EEG & brain MRI two days after that.

Turned out I have epilepsy and was likely having small absence seizures my entire life. I just thought I was incredibly clumsy (forgetting I was holding something and letting it fall, tripping over my own feet).

I've lost lots of early childhood memories. It's still alarming when I attend meetings (I have notes in my handwriting) but can't remember being there.

@Lauryn95 if I was in your shoes, I'd expect my OH to be so concerned that he would be seeking an urgent medical referral for tests. If he wasn’t bothered, I'd think he was lying.

Janieforever · 10/10/2023 12:43

goldierocks · 10/10/2023 12:39

I think it's a long shot, but medically possible for blackouts to happen.

From personal experience - I was out one evening for a work event (I was in my early 30's). The next morning I had absolutely no recollection of being there, or my journey home. My colleagues said I was a bit quiet but otherwise perfectly normal. It scared me a bit (not knowing when I blacked out or for how long), but I put it down to work stress.

The next episode was a couple of years later. Similar situation, only this time no alcohol was involved. I lost an entire day of my memory. I had private medical insurance and was able to get an appointment with a neurologist for the following day. I had an EEG & brain MRI two days after that.

Turned out I have epilepsy and was likely having small absence seizures my entire life. I just thought I was incredibly clumsy (forgetting I was holding something and letting it fall, tripping over my own feet).

I've lost lots of early childhood memories. It's still alarming when I attend meetings (I have notes in my handwriting) but can't remember being there.

@Lauryn95 if I was in your shoes, I'd expect my OH to be so concerned that he would be seeking an urgent medical referral for tests. If he wasn’t bothered, I'd think he was lying.

Yes absolutely but that’s not what happened in this scenario, he came home at noon, there is no way he blacked out and can’t remember where he was 30 mins or an a hour before he got home. If someone had asked you before you went to bed you’d have known where you were and had been

this man isn’t saying he can’t remember the night before. He’s saying he can’t remember where he was at 11 am or whenever he left, or how he got home at 12.

PollyPut · 10/10/2023 12:44

Lauryn95 · 10/10/2023 08:59

As in he went out the sat came home Sunday noon ,I rang him and texted him and asked his friends at 10am where he was and they all said they lost him in town and Didn't know where he was then when he come home I said where have you been and he said "I don't know" "can't remember" were not speaking now and I don't know what to do ,do I need a divorce?

are you married?

PerspiringElizabeth · 10/10/2023 12:48

I’d have thought he’d best get down to the hospital if he can’t remember that badly.