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Original poster

Partner doesn't know where he was ??

206 replies

Lauryn95 · 10/10/2023 08:56

What would you do if your partner went out to the pub then it progressed to going to town as in late bars and clubs and then you woke up in the morning and he didn't come home ,then he didn't come home til noon the following day and "couldn't remember" where he stayed

OP posts:
IAmHeartless · 10/10/2023 10:49

I’m sorry OP, he has cheated.
Even if he was that drunk he doesn’t remember what happened, he knows for sure he woke up in someone else’s house or bed or hotel. And he knows where that was in town and he knows how he got back/walked/taxi etc.
He couldn’t even be bothered to make up a lie

bumtrumpet · 10/10/2023 10:51

It doesn't matter where he's been or what he's been up to. Kick him out for his lying and gaslighting!

IcedBananas · 10/10/2023 10:52

He knows where he woke up this lornifn and how he got home even if he doesn’t remember all the details of last night. Really important to note: Were his friends panicking? And frantically retracing their steps searching for him? If not, why not? Because they knew he was safe and well. They just didn’t want to tell you. Honestly have you seen it when the lads actually loose someone and they don’t show up by the morning? - big panic. Everyone out on the search. If this didn’t happen then they all knew he was safe. He was somewhere that no one wants to tell you. Probably another woman. Unless there’s somewhere else you really wouldn’t want him to go that would be open at night.

Goodadvice1980 · 10/10/2023 10:53

Benefit of the doubt, spiked drink??

TeeBee · 10/10/2023 11:01

He can't even be arsed to make up a lie, can he? I'd be kicking him to the curb. But I have very little tolerance for arsehole behaviour.

WowOK · 10/10/2023 11:03

VeridicalVagabond · 10/10/2023 09:26

I'd be fucked off he thought I was that stupid.

If you really want to know the truth you could always try "the ultimatum".

"If you want a chance to save this relationship you need to tell me where you were, don't insult my intelligence by saying you "don't remember ", the whole truth right now or you can pack your bags and get out."

Obviously LTB either way but you might at least get some honesty from him this way.

@Lauryn95 I'd do this.

LightDrizzle · 10/10/2023 11:06

CurlewKate · 10/10/2023 10:16

@LightDrizzle "I’d think he was lying and I’d thank my lucky stars were weren’t married."

Why on earth would being married make a difference?

because it is harder to extricate yourself from a marriage.

Lonesomefetter · 10/10/2023 11:06

Surely you would know where you were you woke up, presumably at least half sober Hmm why do people tell such ridiculous lies.

WowOK · 10/10/2023 11:07

Goodadvice1980 · 10/10/2023 10:53

Benefit of the doubt, spiked drink??

That would account for not knowing where he was in the night. He can't use that for the morning / afternoon. He got home at mid day. He woke up somewhere. He travelled homr from somewhere. He knows. He just doesn't want to say. Also he can't pretend go have fallen asleep in a public place like a park because he would have woken up and been home before midday.

WinterDeWinter · 10/10/2023 11:07

Bollocks, innit? In the morning he wouldn't have been drunk, so why can't he remember where he woke up?

If it was true he'd have said 'Shit, I can't remember anything about the night and when I woke up I was in a flat in [name of place]' wouldn't he?

samupnorth · 10/10/2023 11:07

I’d be sending him to be tested for STD’s and/ or packing his bags.

SlightlyJaded · 10/10/2023 11:10

Obviously a crock of shit. But he must know you're not going to swallow that long-term, so I reckon he's buying time - trying to construct something plausible that he will 'suddenly' remember. It has probably not helped him that his mates have already said that they don't know where he was because even if they were thought they were covering for him at the time, they have now ruled themselves out as alibis...

The bottom line is that he is lying and what scenario - other than cheating - would make you lie?

I don't think I"d even give him an ultimatum. I'd tell him that we are done based not only on my assumption that he cheated, but on his assumption that he has basically told me - to my face - that he thinks I am stupid.

And then I'd make actual moves to show him that I mean what I say.

He MAY come up with something that saves this, but it's up to him to deliver now - not you.

Sorry that he's demeaned you like this OP.

TheCatterall · 10/10/2023 11:12

So no phone activity, no bank payments, no texts or WhatsApp’s to his mates after 10pm. He’s let you have his phone to look through to see if you can ‘help’ jog his memory. Does he look angst riddled… or ‘I don’t know what bullshit excuse to pull’.

twostraws · 10/10/2023 11:13

He might not remember exactly what happened, but he knows where he woke up. "I don't remember" means he's covering something up - something he's embarrassed by. The fact it's such a shit cover story suggests what he did, it wasn't pre-meditated (he'd have come up with something better had it been planned). That might or might not make a difference to you.

There are many possibilities, some of which are more relationship-ending than others. But the point is, whatever it is, he isn't sharing what he does know with you. That's not a partner.

I would sit him down calmly and explain this point to him. If tells you what happened, maybe you'll leave. If he doesn't tell you what happened, you definitely will.

Maxiedog123 · 10/10/2023 11:15

I'd he really had disappeared his mates would have panicked when you rang asking where he was. If they didn't they probably actually knew where he was.

readbooksdrinktea · 10/10/2023 11:17

I'd think that he was a very bad liar and that he took me for stupid. Then I would tell him as much and that he could go back to wherever he had been.

ActDottie · 10/10/2023 11:21

Yeah I’d not believe him. Even when I’ve been really drunk in my younger days I always knew where I stayed

ManchesterLu · 10/10/2023 11:25

I can understand having blank moments if it was a big night (although I think it's super irresponsible to get that drunk) however he would surely know where he woke up that morning.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 10/10/2023 11:26

First time?

I would take him by his word and be very concerned.
Immediately going to the hospital for a drug test etc. Sounds like his drink might have been spiked, checking for head injuries etc.

This would obviously also require STD tests, possibly HIV PEP, a police report, checking all his cards for unathorised purchases etc.

His reaction to this will be quite telling. Seeing as having a memory lapse of (ca.) 14 hours would be very concerning to any reasonable person.

TheClitterati · 10/10/2023 11:27

he thinks you are really really stupid doesn't he?

ToadOnTheHill · 10/10/2023 11:28

Hes waiting for you to tell him what you know before he lies and cant wriggle out of it.

Of course he knows where he was because he knows how he got home to you. He planned a route home, whether that was walking through town or catching a 55 bus.

What a load of tosh.

femfemlicious · 10/10/2023 11:29

Sounds like your relationship has totally broken down. He's not even bothering anymore

LongLizStridesAgain · 10/10/2023 11:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

DemelzaandRoss · 10/10/2023 11:34

I’d be thinking he’s a liar & possibly a cheat.
Begin steps to end the relationship. He’s not into you any more.

HollaHolla · 10/10/2023 11:37

I have been reminded here of a (fairly outing) incident some years ago. I was at a social event for a club (think hobby/sports) I hadn't been doing for long - and was there with two friends. I was staying with one, as lived out of the city at the time.

Another girl (who we didn't know well) got VERY drunk. When we were leaving, she was alone with some strange guys, so made her get in a taxi with us. We couldn't get a home address out of her, so ended up taking her back with us, and putting her on a blow up bed in the lounge.

In the morning, she had disappeared, having also left the flat door slightly open, worryingly. I thought I'd heard a door at about 8am, but had thought it was the bathroom - I suspect it was her leaving. She had also wet the bed (and had slept in her clothes.... so went home in pissy jeans.)

We didn't have a number for her, so had to wait until the usual meet up on a Monday night, at which point she said she wasn't sure where she was when she woke up, so she just left! However, it turned out she had a real drink problem, and this wasn't unusual for her... she had actually gone out for a boozy brunch on the Sunday morning, straight from leaving us (still in the pissy jeans.)

So, I suppose it's worth asking yourself if he has this level of drink problem......