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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
Phleghm · 10/10/2023 08:32

She's bonkers. I'd feel so awful if my DC went into debt to get me a gift.
Don't give in to the pressure OP.

RicherThanYews · 10/10/2023 08:33

YANBU, I don't think you will be alone in your decision either. I won't be buying for nieces and nephews this year and the adults I am close with will get something small as as our budget is so tight.

coloursquare · 10/10/2023 08:33

This is awful. Is she 7 years old?!

Thedm · 10/10/2023 08:34

If you’re only doing gifts for the kids then it’s customary to tell your adult family members that they do not need to buy anything for you. Did you do that? If you’re not doing gifts for the family then you need to let them know not to buy anything for you lot, a lot still will because they want to but you need to tell them nothing is expected so they can make that choice as everyone is feeling the financial pinch right now.

I think if your mum does do a lot to help you out though, then doing something to show your appreciation should be a priority. You don’t have to buy her anything now but you could give her an “iou” gift like a lunch/day out/spa trip whatever, planned for the spring when the weather is nicer and you’re earning again.

I absolutely agree with not buy gifts for the sake of it when you’ve got less money coming in and the kids to think about, but you do have to balance that with showing appreciation to the people in your life who really do help you.

fevertotell · 10/10/2023 08:35

Yeah, don't get into debt for your mum-it seems a bit entitled of her tbh.

Homemade presents are much more thoughtful, I'd love a cake or flowers from the garden for Christmas...feels more lovely to me.

I'm sorry that you feel pressured to get into debt when she should be supporting your decision.

dinosaursroar1 · 10/10/2023 08:37

Is she wanting you to use credit cards though? Or does she mean I’m a little hurt you wouldn’t even consider picking me up a box of chocolates?

Obviously it’s not reasonable to expect your children to get into debt to buy you lavish gifts but I’m also not sure it’s particularly unreasonable to think a close family member might wrap you up a little token gift, particularly if she DOES do a lot for you.

Only you will know if she’s expecting you to spend debt inducing amounts of money on her or if she actually is just a bit sad that you wouldn’t pick up a little gift for £5-10 in the supermarket to wrap up for her.

BerriesNutsConkers · 10/10/2023 08:38

On the face of it she is being unreasonable but how much does she actually do for you?
If it is a lot then she might be feeling taken for granted.

Createausername1970 · 10/10/2023 08:39

My thoughts are you do things for family and friends because you want to, because you love them. Not for a Christmas present.

But, having said that, does you mum get many other gifts at Christmas other than yours? If the answer is no, then I can see why maybe a gift from you means more. But if she gets gifts from others, then I think she is being a little bit unreasonable.

Maybe tell her how much you do appreciate her, and once you are back at work you plan to treat her to a nice meal/cream tea/new teapot/whatever floats her boat, but unfortunately Christmas is going to be very scaled back this year and you aren't getting gifts for any adults at all.

FeelInvisable · 10/10/2023 08:41

Out of interest what does she do for you?

curaçao · 10/10/2023 08:41

Of course you should get her a small gift! I am sure you could cut back a few pounds on the kids christmas things to get her a small but thoughtful present.

DilemmaDelilah · 10/10/2023 08:42

I am not surprised you found it hurtful. HOWEVER - it does depend on what you mean by making it a good Christmas for your children. If that means buying them one good reasonably priced present and a stocking of small presents and providing a delicious Christmas meal, fair enough. If it means visits to Santa, Christmas shows, elf on the shelf, Christmas Eve boxes (and/or 1st December boxes, God forbid!), huge piles of presents and hundreds of pounds spent on them then it would be extremely unreasonable not to get her anything at all. In fact, if she does a lot to help you then I think you should be able to get her a tiny present anyway, and make it 'from the children' if you aren't doing any adult presents this year.

Just my opinion - I am very aware that there is now a culture of overspending on Christmas that there wasn't when my children were small in the very distant past.

CalistoNoSolo · 10/10/2023 08:42

How much does she for for you? If she's endlessly providing childcare then you are being U to not prioritise getting her a pressie, even just a token.

Maddy70 · 10/10/2023 08:45

I think its the fact you aren't giving her anything ..
She's hurt. You could have made her something, painted her a picture or dried sine flowers and put them into a frame or something thoughtful a voucher for a picnic in the park together..
She isn't being greedy she's upset that you are not giving her any effort I think you explained it badly and she feels hurt. Its not that she wants you to spend money

Thedm · 10/10/2023 08:46

Createausername1970 · 10/10/2023 08:39

My thoughts are you do things for family and friends because you want to, because you love them. Not for a Christmas present.

But, having said that, does you mum get many other gifts at Christmas other than yours? If the answer is no, then I can see why maybe a gift from you means more. But if she gets gifts from others, then I think she is being a little bit unreasonable.

Maybe tell her how much you do appreciate her, and once you are back at work you plan to treat her to a nice meal/cream tea/new teapot/whatever floats her boat, but unfortunately Christmas is going to be very scaled back this year and you aren't getting gifts for any adults at all.

Of course you don’t do things for family because you’re looking foreword to the gifts you’ll get, but we all know how self involved people can get when they’ve got young children and how we can forget to consider other’s feelings and show appreciation to those who help us. How many posts on here from grandparents struggling with the burden caused by the level of help their adult children expect from them? How many posts from outraged adult children because their mum won’t agree to babysit full time for them?

We don’t know the situation and we will only get the OP’s side of it, but it sounds like the mum is giving a lot of help and support and doesn’t feel appreciated. OP has a new baby and the mum has said “especially this year” so I’m guessing they’ve put even more expectations on her this year after they had a new baby and she has been doing a lot more for them, possibly without the thanks or any treats in return to help her feel appreciated.

Obviously we don’t know, but she clearly feels like her help and time isn’t valued and the Xmas present is the last straw.

Olika · 10/10/2023 08:47

So an adult is upset that she is not getting fancy presents? 🤦🏽‍♀️

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/10/2023 08:47

YANBU! I can't imagine wanting someone I love get into debt to buy me one.

BittIeLastard · 10/10/2023 08:48

Did you ask her to return the same by not getting you lot anything? When I was in this position, instead of saying I'm not buying you something for the sake of it, which by the way sounds really hurtful. I said can we all not get each other anything as we are not in a position this year and I would feel much better if we didn't get each other something. My Mum insisted on getting me something which actually made me feel really bad because i couldn't return the favour, but I'm not getting this from your post. From your post you've told your Mum you're not buying her something for the sake of it, but presumably happy to accept gifts for your lot as its not been mentioned.

mrsbitaly · 10/10/2023 08:50

Just tell her when you start getting paid again you would to take her for a nice meal or something.

It is a bit entitled though my MIL helps out alot and would never dream of saying this

Outlookmainlyfair · 10/10/2023 08:50

She sounds ridiculous- but at least you know now rather than having to find out later.

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 08:51

I cannot imagine buying nothing for my mum. Especially if she helps with childcare. It is taking her for granted. Also are you over indulging Dc? Lots of people get Dc far too much. I can see you need to be careful but giving nothing to your mum seems extreme. What credit card expense could it be? Surely you don’t need to spend that much? Being thoughtful doesn’t have to cost a lot.

Will she be available when you need her in future? Surely you buy something but costing a bit less than usual? It was your decision to have DC and it seems that you accept her help. I would definitely get her something to say thanks, especially as you have a baby and might need her help even more!

LittleMonks11 · 10/10/2023 08:51

YABU in telling her you're not getting her anything. She took three days to let you know she was hurt.

A bottle of fizz from the supermarket, a nice plant and some chocolate won't break the bank will it? Just a token of your appreciation - if you have any.

I would message back and say something like 'oh of course we'll get you something - I just meant we can't go mad this year!'

She's your mum.

Unless of course you're going to drip feed that she's been abusive all your life or something.

Thedm · 10/10/2023 08:53

*forward

TheSpruce · 10/10/2023 08:53

Wouldn't the kids make something? That plus a small token from you - probably less than a tenner! It doesn't sound to me like she is after an expensive gift but a little appreciation.

BittIeLastard · 10/10/2023 08:53

What does making Christmas good for your kids mean? Going OTT and spending a fortune?

Dizzydeers · 10/10/2023 08:54

How much do you usually spend on your mum?