I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

I think your sentiment is fine, but what you said is rude and I can see why your mum took it as you don't value her much. Generally, unless there is some specific tradition of spending a certain amount on someone, I would say don't talk about what you are spending. So think about what you could make or source cheaply that your mum would like. I make quite a few presents and a lot of them are maybe £5-10 max, but mostly they are filled with love and effort. Maybe spend some time designing or putting together something she would love. I think the fact you said you "a few homemade bits from the kids" is definitely saying you don't care much for her and can't really be arsed. Also to me, the fact you needed to say it at all, shows you feel slightly guilty about it!

It's just the way that you said it.

The point or sentiment makes sense but it comes across in a really negative and rejecting way. I understand why your mum felt hurt, especially if she does alot for you.......

The kids want to make something special this Christmas for their amazing nanny.♥️ We are going to get some smaller bits for all our loved ones as things are a little tight. Looking forward to spending time with you xx

Something like that gives a completely different message but it's the same point. Your message would rub me the wrong way.

I would value a handmade gift more than something shop bought!

In my case, my parents are and always will be my family just as my husband and my children are and will be. As such, they would be my priority as the rest of my family are. I would never make them feel excluded in that respect specially on important occasions. Our needs of them were never excessive, we wouldn't even dream of putting them under any pressure. Their love and kindness for us was more than enough to include them in our lives. This does not mean we've always seen eye to eye or they were perfect parents or I was a perfect child. The most important thing is we've always tried to do our best for each other. I, therefore, can't appreciate the concept of nuclear family because it excludes and hurts the very people who love us so much in most cases.

Dear OP, the greatest pain parents can feel is often inflicted by their children's actions. You are a young mum and no young can know that pain until it happens to them one day. I always bought my parents presents even in difficult times by spending less on presents for the rest of the family. All the very best to you and your mum

I wonder whether finding £50 from somewhere would be a better spend than having none of the free help with the children.

YANBU. Not at all. The whole gift exchange thing is way out of hand, and you really don't want to be incurring unnecessary debt and expense at this time. You have warned her in advance, so that she doesn't need to spend money on a gift for you either, what more does she expect?

She's crazy. You have said you're giving her a gift, just something heartfelt and homemade. She should be grateful for that. It's one thing being hurt by receiving nothing but you're not doing that, you're simply spending within your means (which she should be proud of as she obviously brought you up with some sense).

Christmas isn't about presents it's about celebrating the birth of Christ (or a pagan festival depending in your beliefs), spending time with loved ones and making memories...it's become a spend fest and that's very sad. I think your Mum is being childish. As an adult I don't care about presents, most adults don't...weird, in my opinion, for an adult to tell you what they want and not just accept a visit or maybe something home-made. Is she feeling undervalued and just projecting this onto the wish for stuff...or has she always been like this?

"She did come and stay every week for a couple of days during the 6 week holidays to be an extra pair of hands for me whilst dh was working long hours, which I really appreciated with the baby. It was however her idea and dressed up as she wants to see the kids anyway, not a request from me. She is a good mum and will sometimes sneak all my dirty laundry home and return washed and ironed, will drop off home cooked meals etc she's a star but none of it is asked for! Appreciated but not requested."

YABVU to downplay the help she's given you. You are lucky to have her. Yes, some grandparents do more, but others do less and some do nothing.

I also think YABVU to tell her you're not getting her a Christmas present. I think you should have said you're on a budget this year and suggested either a limited budget per person or secret Santa between the adults. You say she was telling you about her wish list and nothing was cheaper than £45, well maybe you could have asked if she wanted anything a bit smaller, and suggested getting her one of the other items for her birthday? That would've been more tactful than saying you don't want to get presents "for the sake of it". You're still getting presents for the children, presumably you don't think that's "for the sake of it".

Also, you chose to take unpaid maternity leave, that was your choice and it's not as if things are tough financially because you lost your job through no fault of your own - you wanted to take more time off with your baby.