I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

Fine;if she wants a gift she gets a chocolate orange;they a £1 when on offer.

Seriously though;how grabby and ungrateful;we're on a COL crisis and you're surviving on a single wage.

We're having to have a scaled down Christmas this year as things are tight too.

YANBU to not get in debt for Christmas!
I find it utterly ridiculous that people get themselves in such a situation for what is after all a religious celebration.
Get the kids to make her something, but don’t feel you’ve got to spend money you haven’t got.

We’ve never bought for adults, apart from booze/chocs/flowers for the host…

What kind of mother puts pressure on her child to buy stupid gifts knowing how tight it would be this year. Your mother is embarrassing and needs to grow up.

YANBU and I would go back and explain you appreciate everything she does for you, that’s what families do, help each other out, that you are sorry she feels hurt and yes dh earns but has to cover everything which he just about does, that in order to allow you mat leave you have had to cut everything out and it’s down to affordability.

Aye Duckingella, they're surviving on a single wage which is supplemented by the unpaid childcare being carried out by the OP's mum!

Op said she's doing handmade gifts this year? Why isn't that good enough?

Who actually starts messaging their children saying what they want to be bought for Christmas ? Yea you send ideas if someone asks for them but you don’t just send things you want to be bought!
She sounds entitled

Crikey OP you have an extra child you didn’t even give birth to! How pathetic to be sulking over not getting presents when you’re an actual grown adult. If I was a granny I’d much rather get handmade presents from my DGC, that would be much more meaningful and sentimental. Please don’t give in to this ridiculous emotional blackmail.

In the OP it says her mum was discussing things she'd like for Christmas - so OP does have an idea of how much money she might be expecting spent on a gift. She hasn't shared that with us though so I don't know if it's the new Strike novel or a Hermes bag.

Yep. The "for the sake of it" was particularly brutal. It implies that giving a gift to her mum means nothing to OP. That it's just an empty gesture. That would hurt far more than the simple absence of a gift.

Did OP say this somewhere and I’ve missed it?

Your mum should be more understanding.
However a small thoughtful gift is still a nice gesture isn't it?

We don't buy for adults either (lots of siblings with kids) but I'd never include my mum in that. She's my mum!

Unless you update to say your mum is expecting extravagant gifts and would huff about a small cheaper present then I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

It's good enough for me but if her mother is doing a lot for her and saving her lots of money, she can't come up with something that costs less than a fiver to buy her something? I don't think the problem is in the gifting, it's in the way OP conveyed the message and the underlying message of that. Put differently, I think it would have been received differently. IMO home made and thoughtful is always better but just do it, don't announce it like it's an inferior option.

Yes, OP writes that her mum said "I do a lot to help with you and the children".
I don't imagine that means making cups of tea! She will be caring for some of the dc if not all.

100% don't go into debt and children come first at Christmas however it depends on what your mum does for them. If she helps out alot with childcare etc then I would personally buy one leas present per child to get her one. Kids do get plenty at Xmas.

I would just reply ‘mum I’m not even getting a gift for my husband this year, and he does a lot for me too. We don’t have any money for gifts this year, and I was letting you know so you didn’t spend anything on me. I would prefer to spend time together rather than on gifts we can’t afford. Sorry if you were hurt, I love you and you are the first person I would bring on holidays if I won the lottery’

OP already said that they’d do some handmade things from the kids for her mum.

OP, it might help if you make sure your mum knows that your DH isn’t getting presents for people either - it’s not that you on unpaid ML aren’t buying for your half, but he’s buying for his family / friends. Neither of you are buying for adults. And you’re not getting for each other either.

Yes a baby under 12 months old is going to be devestated if Santa doesn't come with a giant sack of stuff.

Presents don’t worry me in least, but sounds like they are important to your mum, so she is upset and disappointed. Sounds like a nice gift at Christmas shows she is appreciated in her mind.

I agree with PP’s usually if a family member decides against giving gifts that generally means, not to buy a gift for them either. Perhaps this also upset her, if you didn’t make this expectation clear.

would have been better if you had discussed it with your mum first, rather than let her know in a message.

Wishing you all the best OP, I hope you and your mum come to a resolution.

Depends how much she does for you, doesn't it? If you're getting loads of free childcare and expecting your mum to run her life around your children, then you're being very unreasonable indeed.

I can see why your mother is a little hurt. ‘Making it a good Christmas’ sounds like you are going to be really extravagant for your kids, but you can’t be bothered to buy your mum a gift. Couldn’t you spend a tenner less on your kids and get something for your mum?

I think it depends also on what kind of lifestyle you live. If you are generally scrimping, no meals out/takeaways etc or if you've got some cash for things you want to do and your mum can see this.
If it were me I would always always get something, search hard, check the sale rail. But if she helps you a lot it would be really sad not to.

What sort of daughter accepts lots of help from her mum and then suggests that getting her a small gift would be "for the sake of it."

Fully depends on what present she's expecting you to buy.. the OP said she'll be getting homemade presents so it's not that she's giving her nothing.

I think to fairly judge, we need to know whether some chocolates/small gift would cut it or if the OP's mum is asking for an expensive present- considering she's already been telling the OP the things she wants, I wouldn't be sure a token gift would be acceptable

Anyone else suspects mum will be cutting back on childcare going forward…