Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 10/10/2023 09:24

I think you should gave told everyone a lot earlier than this to be honest. Also, why not make her a homemade present , suggest everyone makes homemade presents?

Conkersinautumn · 10/10/2023 09:24

Just wow. The entitlement to expect a present for any situation is insane. I'd be winding up presents completely. But then I guess I'm not beholden to anyone doing anything for me.

Dibbydoos · 10/10/2023 09:24

I think YABU to not buy your DM anything. She helps you out ie saves you money? Then pls get her a small thoughtful present and ask her not to spend a lot on yoyr presents this year. She buys for you, your DH and DCs.

Economise a little - do you need more than 1 tin of sweets/biscuits/cakes. What size turkey do you really need etc....

Intelligenthair · 10/10/2023 09:25

I think it depends tbh.

What were the sorts of things she was saying she’d like? An iPad, nope. Some hand cream? I think you could find that in your budget, especially if she’s supportive and involved in your lives as she seems to be. I think it would be a bit shit to not give her anything.

Does she gets presents from many other people?

Pumpkinpie1 · 10/10/2023 09:26

My Mum was the opposite when she was alive. She always embroidered gifts etc and years after her death I’m still getting friends saying they still use the pillowcases she embroidered for them.

I paint cards for my friends instead of buying them from the shop, cheesy but they are sent with love and thought .

My Mum taught me the best gifts are sent from the heart not the wallet

Lalliella · 10/10/2023 09:27

What things did she mention that she wants? Are they expensive? Could you get her a couple of cheap things?

saoirse31 · 10/10/2023 09:28

Tbf context is everything, maybe the mother does a huge amount and maybe its very much expected by op? Maybe not. Sounds tho like msybe she feels a bit under appreciated for what she does and i wouldn't have thought from a mercenary point of view either from what op says. But really, we dont know.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 10/10/2023 09:29

She took 3 days to reply because she was so hurt by what you said and she was trying to find a way to reply that wouldn't be hurtful to you.

Your wording makes it sound like she doesn't matter to you. And you'd only be buying a present because it was expected and not because you care about her.

As others have said, "making a good Christmas for the kids" could mean spending a small fortune.

There's time before Christmas to buy something now, it doesn't have to be brought in December. We buy all year round when we see things. A diary and a candle isn't much but it's a token "we thought about you and appreciate you."

Ahjaysus23 · 10/10/2023 09:29

Haven't rtft but I think it depends on what she does for you. If she does daily unpaid childcare and saves you a fortune, then I think it's reasonable of her to expect a Christmas present. Otherwise, I think she's being a bit childish.

WillowCraft · 10/10/2023 09:30

I would be the last person to get into debt over Christmas or buy presents for anyone I didn't have to, but I think you're being mean and your message was really rude.

Obviously it depends on your budget but unless you're living hand to mouth and getting all the kids toys from the charity shop I think you can probably spare £20 for your mum.

If your kids having a good Christmas means spending all your money on them while neglecting your poor mother who does so much for you, I think you are teaching them to be selfish. Either children are old enough to realise that Grandma deserves a present too and funds are limited, or they are too young and won't notice a slightly more frugal Christmas.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/10/2023 09:30

How are gifts usually seen in your family? Would she be happy with something homemade from you, since the idea is that it's the thought that counts?

Deadringer · 10/10/2023 09:31

Well your mum is being very unreasonable wanting a gift if you can't afford it, but if she does indeed do a lot for you perhaps she genuinely does feel a little hurt? My sister is always moaning about not having any money and never buys gifts for anyone, she might get my mum something very small perhaps, but she has always bought lavish gifts for her dc, and even now that they are adults her budget is 1k per 'child'.

ohdamnitjanet · 10/10/2023 09:31

She’s your mum for goodness sake. Buy the kids less and buy her a decent present.

MariaVT65 · 10/10/2023 09:33

What kind of stuff was your mum asking for OP?

I totally get you. During the last 3 months of my first mat leave, I was having to dip into savings and use credit cards for my foodshop. I’m very much into the whole ‘i’m not getting into debt for xmas’ even when I get paid.

I’m also due a csection a few weeks before xmas and have categorically told everyone including family that I will be doing my shopping early and won’t be buying or sending anything after the birth, so they should tell me what they want now!

Getupat8amnow · 10/10/2023 09:34

Get your mum a small and thoughtful gift, I lost my mum three years ago and would love to be in a position to get her a gift. A small thoughtful gift doesn’t mean you have to spend lots of money. Gifts are about showing love and consideration. You only get one mum and once she is gone (if you had a good relationship with her, sadly many people don’t) you will look back at this time and be so glad you got her something.

Blinkityblonk · 10/10/2023 09:35

I think discussions about winding down gifts in a family need to be had face to face and not announced by one person by text. If you had discussed this face to face, you would have seen how upset she was and perhaps a nice compromise could have been found- like a Secret Santa/buying only one gift for family, buying something under £10, making a home-made pressie with the kids.

It does sound like you are announcing from on high they are not getting anything, rather than coming to a negotiation about how to do presents going forward in a cost of living crisis.

Those suggesting a meal out- a meal out these days is at least a tenner, so I don't see how the OP would save money.

I'd be tempted to apologise, say you realise she's upset now, that you were just worried about money and panicking a bit, and suggest a way in which everyone can either have a token something or the kids make biscuits and cards for granny, rather than a blunt- we are just not getting you anything this year.

Graciebobcat · 10/10/2023 09:35

It sounds like the OP is getting the kids to make things for grandma. I would appreciate that more than a £10 gift personally.

ColleenDonaghy · 10/10/2023 09:36

She took 3 days to reply because she was so hurt by what you said and she was trying to find a way to reply that wouldn't be hurtful to you.

Agree with this, I think her message comes across as very hurt and unappreciated, rather than grabby. How much does she do for you? Many grannies save the parents thousands a year in childcare, is that the case here? Is her free labour effectively financing your children's good Christmas?

I don't think the monetary value of presents matters, especially when you're on a budget, but it's the time of year to give her a token to show how much you appreciate all she does. Do you appreciate it?

Growlybear83 · 10/10/2023 09:36

I have to say that I think you're both being unreasonable. If you're fairly close to your mum then I really think you should prioritise getting her something nice for Christmas, unless money is really exceptionally tight and you're struggling to buy presents for your children and husband too. A present doesn't have to be expensive to be meaningful and I think I would feel very hurt and unappreciated in your mother's position. However, I don't think she's doing herself any favours with how she's responded. But maybe she will think about her finances and realise that she can't afford to buy presents for your children this year with the cost of living increase.

Octobermeterreadtime · 10/10/2023 09:37

Ask her what colour dummy she wants and stop being so reliant on her going forward..

SundayCherry · 10/10/2023 09:37

I actually think YABU OP. You could easily get a box of chocolates and some nice socks of bubble bath for a tenner or less.

Ariela · 10/10/2023 09:37

Can you make something for your mum eg fudge isn't expensive to do? Or a nice framed photo of the grand kids (all of them) ?

Hayley0203 · 10/10/2023 09:37

I think your message was harsh. You don't want to get your mum a present "for the sake of it", but you want to get your kids some. What's the difference? The only way to interpret it is that you're saying there's a difference in levels of love.

Can you really honestly not afford a box of chocolates? You can get presents in the pound shop, I'm struggling to believe you and your husband don't have a pound between you.

5foot5 · 10/10/2023 09:37

Years ago one of my sisters was having a bit of a struggle financially as she was the only one earning, BIL was long term unemployed.

She asked that we stop exchanging adult gifts and just got things for the DCs. However, she still got DM a gift. Always.

Blinkityblonk · 10/10/2023 09:38

Perhaps your mum didn't read the text that carefully and didn't see the bit about the kids making stuff. Have a conversation, ideally face to face, or on the phone and tell her how much you appreciate her and what she does for the children, that you didn't mean to upset her...she will probably be fine with what's on offer, it's just the blunt, you aren't having a present that might have upset her.

Some people are gift givers/receivers and love all that stuff and it would genuinely upset them. I think it's nice to have something to open on Christmas Day even if it's little. Getting nothing is a bit harsh.

Talk with her, use your words as my dd would say!

Swipe left for the next trending thread