I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

In a way I can understand why she's hurt because it's clear she feels unappreciated. However, I think she's wrong to see homemade gifts as second best. I think something made by the children is far more thoughtful than shop bought tat.

As an example of a present thst didn't cost much, the Christmas after my brother died, I gave my Mum an album of about 50 photos of my brother thst I'd had printed out. It cost me about £10 but it meant more to her than the Crown Jewels would have and was her most treasured possession for a long time.

Totally depends. if you have a fiver to spend on the kids then of course your mum can go without. If however you spend loads on the kids buying lots of irrelevant stuff like so many do and you can't be bothered to spend a tenner on your mum then you are being mean and taking her for granted.

It sounds like you worded it badly OP. Your mum is clearly hurt. I would apologise.

Good points from PPs.

Is the actual issue here that she was asking for specific things you can’t afford? And doesn’t think gifts from the kids are ‘good enough’?

It depends really. You can’t stretch at all to buy your mum something inexpensive she’d like? A box of chocolates or a book?

I could see how she could feel a bit hurt if she helps you all, especially the way the text was worded.

On the other hand, if she doesn’t see you or the kids much but expects designer gear then fair enough.

Your poor Mum. You could get her something small like a box of chocolates. Your message is very hurtful.

A small gift like a Neom candle or item of clothing would be nice to get her especially as she already does a lot for you. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

I cringed when I read your message, you could have worded it a lot better.

I’m on your mum’s side.

Maybe she doesn't get this whole not getting into debt thing, you need to bring her with you on the reasons for your decision. Its a good thing that she can be honest with you about how she feels, it shows how positive your relationship is. As women we rarely speak up when we are hurt I end up people pleasing and find it hard to say no or I disagree. I think it is a positive opportunity to help her understand.

There is a difference in currency, you see presents as superfluous something you can cut down on because money is tight, she sees a gift as a reflection of how much you value her.

You might want to try a middle road, you can buy something lovely at charity shops for very reasonable prices, or you can provide a gift voucher for a home made cake, or time together. Perhaps an invitation to afternoon tea? Or a baking session with the kids. Think about the things you did with her when you were growing up, those are precious memories. Why not recreate this as a gift that doesn't have to cost money.

Gently OP because I hate Christmas gift giving, but in this case I think YABU. If you're not doing presents then you should ask in advance and make clear that you don't expect a present from them either. What if you set a limit of £10 for each other's gifts? I think saying "for the sake of it" is a bit mean, and that you should get her something low cost.

I hate present giving and present receiving but my family love it and so I just suck it up and buy them books from charity shops throughout the year. Cheap and sets the tone. I put effort into making sure the books are ones they'd genuinely like. But I find that people will never say "I hate your gifts get me something else" because it's unspeakably rude, but they might just say "let's not bother this year".

I agree with this. It seems as though she feels taken for granted and it’s more about that than the present. To be honest we didn’t do presents for adults but I always bought for my dm and made dh buy for dpil precisely because they did a lot for us and I wanted them to feel appreciated. My dm was also a widow and I would have hated her to not have anything to open when she went out of her way to make us feel special at Christmas. You don’t have to spend a lot but a token wouldn’t have hurt.

You don’t clarify if your dm does a lot for you and exactly what that entails, not that it should make a difference, but if your dm is providing childcare and support that may help to explain why she feels so overlooked.

My mum infinitely prefers the thoughtful handmade stuff and isn't a fan of money being wasted on tat so she'd be right behind this! We do a Secret Santa (max value £20) instead of gifts from all the adults in our family to each other, because there are loads of us, it gets expensive, and some family members are skint.

I don't think what you said was hurtful either - I suppose if your mum spends tons on the family and sees Christmas as a lavish expensive celebration then it might be, but honestly, I think her response was weird coming from a grown adult.

Some people just find presents much more meaningful than others - def get her something small or make her something, and wrap it up nicely. Now that you know it's important to her, that's how you show you understand.

I hate gifting at Christmas but I do it because it's important to others in my family who are totally into Christmas. It doesn't mean I have to go into debt, just a little something to show I thought of them and made an effort to get something I thought they'd like. Sometimes it's not about the gift but about the care it shows.

I think you’re absolutely in the right but it seems this matters to her so I would just apologise and get her something.

People have a complex relationship with gift giving. For some it’s an emotional thing, representing love, for others it’s about power, bestowing their generosity on people. Sometimes people do it to send a message, sometimes passive-aggressive - we’ve all seen posts about people who’ve received diet books from MILs for example.

A gift seems a simple thing but sometimes there’s a lot going on.

I remember one Christmas when I got a present that would cost less than £5 and DIL happily told me they had bought her mum a present costing over £200 as "she was so helpful" when I was the one who dropped a day at work to provide free childcare, picked the older child up from school twice a week and the other gran lived 200 miles away and saw them occasionally. That hurt just a little bit but it also made me laugh at how ridiculous it was but at the end of the day I loved my time with the kids and it was more important than a gift.

Yes @Iwasafool I can see why you would find that hurtful, but I hope you held your DS most responsible for that oversight, not your DIL.

I agree. There's loads of cheap things you can buy that will still be thoughtful. There's weeks to go! Just add a couple of small things to your shopping each week. Honestly I think all this non-gift buying is miserable and hurtful. You don't have to spend loads.

I'd be interested to know your overall budget, OP, for Christmas food, outings, etc. I bet there's £20 in there for a gift for your mum!

I think yabu, sorry. You don't have to spend much, look out for offers.

As long as you’re not still expecting gifts from her she’s totally selfish . The homemade presents from my GD are the best presents of all . I do lots for my DC but it’s because I want to - I don’t expect anything in return & always tell my kids not to buy for me . I don’t want them scrimping so I can have something they can’t afford .Their time is more precious
Tell your DM not to get anybody anything and you do the same . This isn’t what Xmas is about

How much does your mum do for you op? If she is your unpaid childcare she saves you a lot of money. If she is childcare when you need support Christmas is a time to show your appreciation. She must be very hurt not to message back for three days. Did you show your appreciation when you had two pay cheques coming in before maternity leave ...the odd bunch of flowers? Voucher or meal out? If not then she will have thought that at least at Christmas you would show your appreciation. I agree with others that the budget should include something for a mum who does a lot for both you and DH even if it means one gift less each for the children and even if you and DH had to agree on no present for each other. Christmas is about far more than gift giving but we give gifts at that time to those we love best and appreciate the most. 💐

I’m going to guess a bottle of fizz, a nice plant or chocolates were none of the things the mother said she wanted during the conversation with her daughter. And that’s probably why the OP started the thread.

I find it so weird that grown ups expect gifts. Gifts are given from the heart, not demanded as payment for services. Very ick.

I also think your Mum sounds hurt and possibly feels taken for granted, OP.

How much has she done for you and DC over the last year? How much do you hope she will choose to continue to do? DH may be carrying the financial burden right now, but in helping you and the DC your mum is also helping him, so I don’t see why the source of funds matters.

Did you suggest to your Mum that you refrain from exchanging gifts this year, or simply inform her that you won’t be giving anything? One of these wordings is much more mature than the other.

Little children don’t need expensive presents and props for Christmas. They’re all about glitter and flash and tinsel and stockings and Father Christmas. This stuff can be very economical. It sounds possible that you have a mental image of a Family Christmas you wish to maintain. You may be sacrificing your mum’s feelings for that when your DC would actually be happy with something less costly.

And the appropriate response isn't, "Sorry Mum, not getting you a gift for just for the sake of it. I need to make an amazing Christmas for the only ones that matter this Christmas!"

It's more like, "Sorry Mum, those things aren't in my budget this year but I'm looking forward to giving you something else I know you'll enjoy at Christmas." Then buy a 2 buck book or plant or something that fits her interests.