I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

I had my DCs relatively late so I am a lot older than most of you and miss my DM who passed away a few years ago. I think about her every day. unlike the OP's DM, she would never, ever ask for anything or expect anything. Because of this I always managed to treat her to something special for Christmas and birthdays. One year I was really hard up, but bought her a very pretty calendar. On one day a month I wrote an activity that we could do together with baby in tow, or all the family. When she passed away I found that calendar wrapped in pink tissue paper amongst her things, with every activity ticked off with a kiss and a smiley face.
I do think you should give something meaningful to your parents and inlaws for all they do for you. However, I really do not think your DM has the right to ask for specific items - so why not tell her its a surprise and get something unique from Etsy, but relatively inexpensive, or some wonderful up market bath stuff from one of the discount stores. Be creative.
Baby will enjoy a cardboard box TBH and just being in the fun.

She literally says the kids are making some bits for her

However, I really do not think your DM has the right to ask for specific things

@myfaceismyown But if they've always done that, and if this time of year is when they've talked about what her mum would like, then there's nothing wrong with her doing it.

My mum never really knew what to get me for Christmas, so I'd give her a list and ask her to choose one or two items from it so it would be a surprise.

The way it's been framed is that OP's mum has a list of expensive present demands. It may be something the OP's mum does so the OP spends less time wondering what to buy her. It may have been agreed between them years ago that this is what her mum would do.

And surely it's better to buy something for someone that they want rather than just purchase something random and hope for the best. The OP herself phrased it to her mum as not wanting "to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it" which making some suggestions prevents.

I lived off credit cards when I was a nurse in London and paying high rent. But I could never have even contemplated not getting a Christmas present for my mum. It's one present once a year, and doesn't have to be lavish.

@AFieldGuideToTrees I wasn't suggesting something random. But then I am someone whose love language is gifts so I put a tremendous amount of thought into getting something I am certain will delight the recipient. Being given a list to chose from does not equate to a surprise!!! V.glad you are not my daughter :)

The bits the kids make are from the kids. If she's saving you money on childcare etc then i can see her point as it looks a bit one sided. I don't think it's about expecting you to put stuff on credit card, just use some time and thought and get something small (financially) but shows you care and write a nice meaningful message with it. To listen to her talking about everything she's spending on your family and then just say by the way your not worth my money is probably how it came across, especially as you don't mention saying anything like that's very kind but you really don't need to this year because...

So I can see her point about priorities. I'm working 2 jobs, selling everything not needed etc on ebay and I can't remember the last time I had wine or chocolate! But I will still get everyone who makes an effort for me and the kids something in return and I'll feel proud on the day knowing I did my best.

You said food, kids probably won't know if it's a dozen chicken or a fancy turkey and they probably would actually prefer sponge cake to Xmas pudding! No one needs booze (nice extra I'll admit lol, but not priority over a gift for your mum).

That's great, some people aren't quite so perfect.

@AFieldGuideToTrees no need to be catty. I was trying to help the OP.

I wonder has your mum ever been through hard times financially? Some people who haven’t experienced it haven’t got a clue how difficult it is and how anxious it feels to be flat broke and having to put food back on the supermarket shelves or turn the heating off and put a jacket on. She sounds like a good person so try not to fall out with her. But I think she needs to see the bigger picture. Hopefully in the lead up to Christmas she will realise that she was being a bit thoughtless.

Some of these replies are ridiculous. I agree with you, especially with the cost of living prices these days.

Your children should come first always!

You sound a bit ungrateful, OP; and you don’t seem to know your own mother.

The mistake that you have made is responding to her wish list in the wrong way. You should have either changed the subject or said something like ‘you’ll have to wait until Christmas/Santa comes’ because she is getting a gift, just not what she necessarily expects. Unless you’re on the breadline I’m sure £10 and some imagination would get a nice gift.. Apart from my DC and DH my budget for everyone is up to £20.

Absolutely awful! My daughter wrote me a beautiful card expressing how much they appreciated all I'd done when they had their baby in COVID (we all lived together for a while) and cooked a nice meal for my birthday. For a gift she found a wonderful photo of me and her Nan and framed it (as she'd only recently died). I knew money was tight and I treasure the sentiments on that card and the photo 100% more than any gift she's ever bought me!

If her love is equated to the price of your Christmas gift then you have serious problems there. Did she come help with the baby and children because she thought she'd be getting shoes and perfume at Christmas? It doesn't sound like you're thankless either and have been grateful for the help but not expectant of it. All this is going to do is encourage you to reject all help from her as you'll now view it as a transaction you can't afford down the line. I think you need to definitely hold firm if you genuinely cannot afford it. I would not go into poverty for some Christmas presents.

I actually think you're both being a bit mean spirited here. Not sure you needed to spell it out to her like that, and she certainly didn't need to say that in response. Saying that, I would find something lovely for her for under a tenner, just because she clearly helps you out so much. But again, neither should she expect anything. Both a bit of entitlement here!

I would just get her a box of chocolates or something to show your appreciation if her or take her out to lunch nearer the time.

I can't believe the amount of posts who are either saying debt is fine or scale back to a simpler Christmas,.to pacify an adult with expensive tastes who's having a tantrum

fucking twilight zone music is playing.

Agree! What adult demands presents worth £50 ish quid in general let alone when they know money is tight.

The OP's mum is taking it upon herself to help her daughter, it's definitely worth a thank you but expensive gifts? I'd be telling her no whenever she tried to help in the future as you're unable to reciprocate in gift format

I think the main problem is that we don’t have enough information from the op. Has she switched the heating to off and is eating bread and marg for dinner? ( In which case why have a third child?). Or is it that she wants to spend £200 on each child including a baby and needs to cut out a present to her mum to do so.

Yes, so we have more and more batshit posts saying kids aren't the most important at Christmas, my love language is expecting gifts and sell stuff, get a chicken and don't get alcohol so you can afford it. It's weird.

I think people are missing that a minimum of 45 quid means a minimum of 45 quid for the rest of the family on top.

Anyroad, it doesn't look like the OP will be back. As per.

You're not being unreasonable, you've prioritised your kids, but that can be unintentionally hurtful without being unreasonable.

If you've historically given each other gifts of about 45ish pounds, then I think she thought she was doing you a favour by giving you some gift ideas 2+ months before Christmas, so you don't have to spend time choosing when you've other things to do. It's obviously backfired massively. If she does help out without being requested by you, that should be viewed as a positive, particularly as you say you've found it helpful, rather than taking a view that "I don't ask for this help so why should I get her a present".

When my friends and family started having kids, you have the opportunity to start spending a lot more on Christmas/birthdays than you receive. If your mum would always give you and the kids thoughtful, generous gifts, than I can see how this is hurtful, particularly as it sounds like she prioritises you and the grandkids.

I agree with the previous poster to say "of course we'll get you something but we can't go mad this year". And why not ask your mum to get you some Amazon (or whatever) vouchers as your gift... somewhere that you know you need the money for spending, then the money will come back to you...I've done this before!

Also think it depends on who is hosting Christmas... the cost of hosting probably outweighs the cost of any gift!

She hasn’t ‘demanded’ anything, she gave OP gift ideas worth around the £45 amount (can only assume that is what OP normally spends) but OP has gone back and said, you’re not getting anything because I’VE got no money while I’m on maternity, the implication being that DH isn’t going to stump up anything for presents because ‘they’ve decided not to bother with anyone else this year’.

I think it’s the way it was done and worded personally, rather than text such a blunt message she could have had that conversation in person OR she could have said, ‘we’re really struggling with money this year, is there anything cheaper I can get you?’

as for the OPs mum is ‘taking it upon herself to help her daughter’ good grief, do you REALLY think she does that for a £45 Christmas present at the end of the year? Her mum probably spends 3-4 times that on all the running around for her that she does! I’m telling you, it’s not about the money, it’s the basic lack of consideration.

We used to always have a £10 limit which crept up a bit over the years but showed love and effort.

"it's in the giving of a gift to another, a pair of mittens that were made by your Mother"

If a mug with handprints on isn't an acceptable gift, then you really shouldn't be giving Christmas gifts at all. There is absolutely no need for you to show love by spending money. I hate it when people equate money with love. A cheap meaningful gift is vastly better to some expensive item they could buy themselves.

I think it's because you were apologetic. They are not "only" handmade gifts. They have time and love and money spent on them. Don't apologize for lovely presents.

I would also get her a pair of Christmas socks from a pound shop though... Just because she wanted a bought gift too...

Chocolate and some smellies are probably cheaper than making hand made things. Do that for her

I wanted to understand this too! If it’s hundreds of £ on the children then it feels a little tight to be honest, especially with the help she’d give , whether asked for or not, to have someone nip in on occasion and take the laundry to wash and iron it is lovely, and the help.

There isn’t enough context really. Could be hundreds spent on the kids, and for them to have new outfits and a lavish grocery shop to make it special for them - but not special for their parents.

Maybe there is something deeper rooted, maybe she doesn’t feel appreciate and hoped that it would be shown at Christmas.

On both of my mat leaves I was off at Christmas, and things were tight, particularly with the second as we kept first in childcare and before free hours, but I always bought something for my parents and in laws, nothing lavish.

i also don’t buy for adults, we do secret Santa amongst siblings, token gift £20 so you only buy 1 adult a present. That works and is fun. But I would never not buy something for my mum, especially given she will have helped and also gifted me and my kids for many years.