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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
Iwasafool · 10/10/2023 08:55

She might be feeling taken for granted if she does do a lot but personally I wouldn't want my kids going into debt to get me a present. I have to admit I'm not into "stuff" for the sake of it so it really wouldn't hurt me but I recognise that some people feel very differently to me.

I remember one Christmas when I got a present that would cost less than £5 and DIL happily told me they had bought her mum a present costing over £200 as "she was so helpful" when I was the one who dropped a day at work to provide free childcare, picked the older child up from school twice a week and the other gran lived 200 miles away and saw them occasionally. That hurt just a little bit but it also made me laugh at how ridiculous it was but at the end of the day I loved my time with the kids and it was more important than a gift.

Is there something you can do to show you appreciate what she does that doesn't cost anything?

HikingforScenery · 10/10/2023 08:56

I think it’s mean tbh. Could you not buy her something for £10? £20? it’s christmas. You knew you were going to be on your non-paid section of your mat leave. You should’ve planned so you could give her something.

I do admire her for waiting until she had control of her feelings to reply to you.

Octavia64 · 10/10/2023 08:57

Um.

I mean, the way your message reads is that you are not giving anyone any presents except for your children.

You don't say whether you are still expecting presents, so your mum could have read it as "I'm not going to get you a present but I still want one" which isn't great, especially if she has been supporting you a lot.

If you just want to not do gifts then a politer way round to do it is to say that you don't want anyone to buy for you, and then usually they take the hint and say ok, we won't exchange this year.

KarmenPQZ · 10/10/2023 08:58

If you’re on maternity leave I’m assuming your baby will be less than a year. If you’re seriously prioritising getting a baby presents (who will have no memory of either the thought or the value) but not your mum then yes I think you’re being very unreasonable.

all it needs is a photo book / maybe some nice toiletries or chockies in my opinion and you’ll make your mum happy. A bit of thought goes a long way and saying you’re not buying her a present and expecting that to be ok is massively thoughtless

Zebedee55 · 10/10/2023 08:58

Well, I would have got a small gift for her - it's more about the thought than the cost.

Having said that, my 4 adult grandkids are either at Uni, or in a low paid job (1 of them), so I have told them all that just a card will do.

It won't affect what I buy them. To be honest, I was widowed in April, and I just want to get through it without a fuss.😗

Mamatolittleboy · 10/10/2023 08:59

OP it sounds to me as your mum feels unappreciated. She does a lot for you and the kids, maybe doesn’t want to be told “Don’t want to buy anything for the sake of it”

I am feeling the struggle with maternity pay and unpaid leave at the moment so I’m stressing about Christmas but I agree a little something even if it’s a bottle of something or chocolates or anything like that as a token of appreciation for your mum who clearly does so much for you goes a long way.

At the end of the day I could be completely wrong! But that’s the vibe I get x

EvilElsa · 10/10/2023 09:00

I'm probably going against the grain here, but I'd have to get my mum a gift, especially if she helps out loads with babysitting etc. She WOULD be a priority for me present wise. I can absolutely understand not buying for other adults like siblings/cousins.

Humbugg · 10/10/2023 09:00

Maybe she just needs a token gift. Can you buy her a bottle of wine or some chocs?

I don’t care about presents but my mum really does so I know she would need something even if £5

Mamatolittleboy · 10/10/2023 09:01

Also remember your children do not need lots of gifts to have a “good” Christmas. Depending on their age they’re going to be just as happy with a few bits.

If you are on maternity I’m assuming one of your kids are very young so no need to go spending loads x

NaturalStudy · 10/10/2023 09:01

Agree I think your mum is just looking for a little token of appreciation. Surely between now and Christmas you can save up £20 for a candle and a box of chocolates? It soundas like your closing ranks against her and focusing on 'your' family.

rainbowstardrops · 10/10/2023 09:01

How much does she help you all out? If it's a fair amount then she probably feels like you take advantage of her. I don't know the cost of the gifts that she was hinting at but surely you'd buy your mum something?! It doesn't have to be expensive.
^Also, you said about giving the children a good Christmas but was does that mean? Spending hundreds of £££?
I wouldn't want my children to get into debt for me but I can understand why she's hurt.

Years ago, I was out of work and bought my MIL a pair of earrings that I thought she'd really like. They were less than £5 but she loved them because it was the thought behind it. You don't need to get into debt.^

Iwasafool · 10/10/2023 09:02

KarmenPQZ · 10/10/2023 08:58

If you’re on maternity leave I’m assuming your baby will be less than a year. If you’re seriously prioritising getting a baby presents (who will have no memory of either the thought or the value) but not your mum then yes I think you’re being very unreasonable.

all it needs is a photo book / maybe some nice toiletries or chockies in my opinion and you’ll make your mum happy. A bit of thought goes a long way and saying you’re not buying her a present and expecting that to be ok is massively thoughtless

Some of the photo companies have been doing offers on photos where you just pay for postage. A nice photo of mum with the grandchildren in a recycled frame would cost pennies and if she's like me she'd love it.

LittleMonks11 · 10/10/2023 09:03

A photo of her with the baby, printed at Boots, put in a Boots frame. There you go.

wildwestpioneer · 10/10/2023 09:03

I'd purposely misinterpret her message and say something along the lines of

'Sorry Mum I think you've got the wrong end of the stick, the kids will make you a gift but we're obviously not expecting you to buy anything for either myself or dh, just get a little something for the dc. As I said, we simply don't have the available cash to buy for adults at the moment. I'm sure you understand'

You're absolutely right. Don't get into debt for Christmas. If your Mum does a lot for you, there are other ways to say thanks. It doesn't have to come gift wrapped with a bow

LittleMonks11 · 10/10/2023 09:03

Heheh @Iwasafool great minds!

CeeChynaa · 10/10/2023 09:05

Mmm it depends. Some people don’t ever get their family gifts throughout the year, only when it’s their birthday or for Christmas. If you never do anything to show any appreciation to your mum (if she really does a lot to help out) then YABU.

Even if you got her a card, bottle of fizz and fancy £5 chocolates I’m sure she’d appreciate that because you’ve thought about her and got her something even though money is tight. That could literally be included in your weekly food shop! No need to go all out.

When you said you need to make Christmas good for the kids, what does that mean? Sounds like you’ll be going all out for them but you couldn’t even spare a tenner for your mum. That’s how I read it and maybe that’s how she read it too

BBQchickensalad · 10/10/2023 09:07

Could you not get her a nice soap, some jams, a plant or hand cream for no more than a fiver? I think I'd be disappointed too and I'm not even very gift or Christmas oriented. Even a small gift shows some appreciation.

Worddance · 10/10/2023 09:08

I understand her hurt. A little gift saying thank you for all you do would be kind. I get the impression she's genuinely vulnerable rather than demanding. You'll remember her when she's not there, much more than all the plastic tat that kids get.

CeeChynaa · 10/10/2023 09:08

It also sounded a bit rude to say ‘for the sake of it’ as if she genuinely doesn’t deserve anything

Passepartoute · 10/10/2023 09:08

fevertotell · 10/10/2023 08:35

Yeah, don't get into debt for your mum-it seems a bit entitled of her tbh.

Homemade presents are much more thoughtful, I'd love a cake or flowers from the garden for Christmas...feels more lovely to me.

I'm sorry that you feel pressured to get into debt when she should be supporting your decision.

I think it's more entitled to take a lot of help from someone and not be prepared to make any gesture at all by way of thanks.

Snowdayplease · 10/10/2023 09:10

Olika · 10/10/2023 08:47

So an adult is upset that she is not getting fancy presents? 🤦🏽‍♀️

No, because she is not getting any present, and is being classed the same as any other adult in OP's life (Cousins etc) despite being her mum and helping her with childcare.
If she genuinely wants £100s spent on her that's different. But the OP can find £20 for a present for her mum if she wanted to.
Some women wouldn't care about no gift, but this one does, and that should be important to the OP.

Passepartoute · 10/10/2023 09:10

I take it from the fact that you are on maternity leave that your children are quite small? How much difference is it going to make to them realistically if you spend a few pounds less on their Christmas so as to be able to afford something for your parents?

Spinet · 10/10/2023 09:10

It is worth trying to think about why she is saying this. If she is usually a reasonable and loving mum she is telling you she is hurt because she thinks you don't appreciate her. How can you let her know you appreciate her? Present-giving has all sorts of cultural and emotional baggage doesn't it.

If she's normally self-centred and grabby then she's just being self-centred and grabby as usual. But something tells me this is not the case and she needs some cosseting.

saraclara · 10/10/2023 09:10

In the same situation, my DD said to us as a family, that she would not be able to spend as much on presents as usual. Which was absolutely fine as I wouldn't want her going into debt.

However, nothing at all for your mum, who helps you out a lot, seems a bit brutal. These days it's easier to buy a gift for a fiver than it's ever been. There are some lovely pot plants in my supermarket for that, and places like Home Bargains now sell stuff around that price which doesn't look cheap.

I think you are being a bit unnecessary to be honest. Presumably she would know if you couldn't make your mortgage payments or were going into debt just to pay your bills (which would be the only reason I can think of not to be able to afford anything at all).

Yolo12345 · 10/10/2023 09:12

Leave it a few days then reply "your reply is hurtful tbh. As a parent I now have to step up to take care of my family, that includes making the right financial decisions to make sure we don't fall into debt or get trapped with credit card debt.I would have thought you would have supported me in this and realised that the children getting gifts from Santa is the priority here. I love and appreciate what you and didn't realise that gift giving was so important to you."

Then see what she comes back with

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