I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

Yeah but if the mum's suggestions were over budget, a better response would have been "Ah sorry mum, think they might be over budget, things are a bit tight this year with me being off. Don't worry, we'll get you something lovely x" rather than saying you're giving nothing.

If your mother helps you out, you owe her. Realising women's labour should not be treated as a free gift begins at home. Yes, there are strings attached. Good will comes at a price. Not a very high price. Twenty pounds a year should do it. What's that if you divide it by the number of hours she gives you? Out of interest?

I agree.

I've been in the position of OP, and of her mum.

Even as an adult it is nice to receive a present at Christmas. You’re potentially one of the only/few people she would get a present from so that I think it is mean not to get something. You don’t need to spend much but it would be nice to get her something to open; even a limit of £10 would be able to get a book.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable! Your mum is however! It's like a child throwing a tantrum because they won't get their gift. She should understand where you are coming from as you have very valid reasons, maternity is tough on one salary.

I think it very much depends on a)how much she does for you - ie the occasional Grandma babysitting versus regular free childcare saving you a fortune in childcare and b) how old your DCs are that you really need to make Christmas so special for that you are prioritising spending all available money on them. Young children don't have expectations of huge expensive presents unless their parents force those expectations onto them - in which case you've made a rod for your own back. They also won't remember if you took them on an expensive Santa Safari costing ££ versus visiting Santa at the local garden centre. Believe me, as the parent of grown up DCs, I know.
Buy one less present for your DCs - they won't notice and it will free up cash to buy an adult gift to keep the peace and guarantee your future help

If having another child put you on the breadline to the extent you can’t afford to buy your own mother a gift then I’d be wondering why you brought that financial burden on yourself and your kids

YABU

I think you should buy her at least a couple of token presents - a poinsettia or amaryllis, say, for a fiver and a box of chocolates. It's easy to get a couple of nice things for £10, and if you can spare £20 you could get her several things and wrap them up nicely. It just seems so brutal to say I'm giving you absolutely nothing. I'm not surprised she's hurt.

It’s not at all like a child throwing a tantrum! She considered a response for some time before making it. If you do something for other people, unpaid, on a regular basis, it isn’t unreasonable, surely, to offer a token gesture of thanks at a birthday or Christmas.

My mum didn’t talk to me for several months for suggesting the same thing. I don’t see the point in adults getting each other presents just for the sake of it. If you have the money and you have a great idea for something to get them then it’s lovely. But to force it when you can’t afford to is mental. Stick to your guns, she’ll get over it eventually

Surely the mum should just want the daughter to be happy? So therefore accept her decisions?
Or just buy the mum some of that appalling Baylis&Harding crap.

Jesus, your mam does so much for you and you cannot even buy her a gift?

You lost me at "for the sake of it". Makes her feel unimportant and irrelevant.

You mother is your family too.

It doesn’t look like the majority of people have actually read the post properly. OP has said she will give her homemade gifts, so her moms issue isn’t that she won’t get gifts, it’s that her daughter isn’t spending money she doesn’t have on her. My mom would prefer homemade gifts but clearly OPs mom is more materialistic and money means more to her than time, thought, and her daughters financial stability.

Have you seen the cost of childcare recently?
That attitude could end up cost thousands as apposed to £5 for a box of chocolates.

I think you BOTH come across awful to be honest...

1. she basically sounds materialistic and greedy &
2. you basically straight up said she isn't a priority and isn't worth it (which is of course offensive)

The OP doesn't seem to be coming back - but the question really is whether her mum would be happy with something small like a candle or plant, and not even getting that is why she's hurt, or if she's actually expecting an expensive piece of jewellery or similar.

Agree with other posters -it's easy to say mum is being unreasonable to expect presents (I would love my family to agree to kid only presents!) but yeah if by "making it special for the kids" you actually mean "go completely over the top" so it's a case of buying 1 less piece of plastic crap for the kids to get someone who has helped you out a lot, something small as a token in recognition of this, even if as others have suggested its an IOU for a gift to be used when you can afford to pay for it.

I mean honestly the new baby isn't going to have the slightest clue what they are getting so I'd prioritise buying your mum a gift over them because at least she'd appreciate it (obviously not over buying the baby essentials, but crap like a cute new Christmas outfit or whatever that is more for the parents than the baby).

Also relevant if you made clear you don't expect her to get you anything!

The "unpaid bit of my maternity leave" was a bit unnecessary too, it suggests that if the timing had worked out differently (i.e. you'd got pregnant a few months earlier or later) you would have got her a present it's just unfortunate your maternity is ending around Christmas. In which case it's not great to blame her for your poor organisational/financial management skills. It's not a surprise the last part is unpaid, you've had more than a year to prepare, the idea is to spread your maternity pay out to cover the whole period not spend spend for 6 months and then panic and not be able to afford anything at the end.

YABU - as everyone has said, a gift needn't be expensive. Since she specifically mentioned your DH, I'd also wonder if she's concerned that he is pressuring you to cut her out in this way. It's a choice to spend everything on your DC and not spare a few pounds for your DM. Maybe she thinks that choice is one you're being forced into because your DH has more control of finances atm.

Even if we just want our children to be happy, it's still nice to feel that they care for us and consider us. I don't think we need to accept all behaviours of our children either (not talking about this instance particularly, but in general).

I’m going to guess there’s some messy backstory as the inference to me was that a gift outside of the expected financial perimeters just wasn’t going to cut it and the tantrum that ensued would happen because of that, plant or no plant.

I find it very odd that a parent would tell their adult child what they would like for Christmas. By all means, get her a small present if she needs one, but don’t be given a list.
and I would go back with… I am sorry you feel like this, but money is very tight for us at the moment, and we cannot and do not want to go into debt over Christmas. And I am sure you’ll want the children to be a priority for Christmas over any adult.
we just cannot afford what you are asking for. That doesn’t mean we don’t value or love you, which we very much do!

Looks like the OP is busy as she hasn't been back to let us know what her Mother does for her and the children. The way she put it to her Mother was rude, imo. It actually sounded like she was saying, we aren't buying for you but you can still get us stuff. It sounds like her Mother also doesn't have a pot of gold to spend but still wants to acknowledge each person.

Some of these replies that call her entitled make me think it's pot meet kettle.

YANBU Every single year, my mum says to me "Don't be worrying about buying for me and your dad. Concentrate on the kids" And we aren't even struggling financially, she just wants to make my life easier and knows how expensive Christmas is for us. I still buy for her, but I know she wouldn't want me getting into debt for presents.

Get her a small gift particularly if she helps out with the kids etc. it doesn’t have to be expensive or do an IOU and say you’ll go out for afternoon tea or something when you’re back earning.

To be honest I think 'fair play' to your mum for speaking up for herself. So often on here there are women putting themselves at the bottom of the pile, prioritising everyone and everything above themselves. accepting a lack of care and consideration by their nearest and dearest on special occasions ("I would have been happy with a mars bar" type of thing).

Your mum is perhaps feeling unappreciated, perhaps she doesn't get gifts from anyone else and it would give her a boost to feel appreciated by her daughter, most particularly if she helps you out.

I realise she will get handmade gifts from your kids but (how to put this nicely) are they really going to be something she can use and enjoy or some piece of "art" that will be coo-ed over for a few minutes then put in a drawer?

If you can at all, I would get her something nice and thoughtful. Even if it means one less gift for your kids. Children tend to get lots (of crap) at Christmas, one less gift won't even be noticed.