To want some flex from family on childcare

[poppyseeds99]

We agreed with a relative that she would do pickups for my toddler at a new nursery one day a week. We had been using that evening to do a sports class each week. Relative announced 2 weeks ago that she would only pick up one day a fortnight (instead of each week) with very little notice or warning. This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week. This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm (exceptionally). Relative went ballistic saying she is only doing pickup at 5 and then we have to come straight home from work. End result, we've cancelled the class and we're doing pickup. The thing is, relative insists they have to do the pickup anyway because they want time with our daughter - but only on their terms. AIBU to think about booking a babysitter who can just cover the hours we need?

If you still want to do your exercise class, you get childcare to suit you.

Get a reliable babysitter.

I don’t think you can expect a family member to do exactly what suits you. I do think it’s fine to pay someone to do exactly what suits you

They aren't a babysitter they are a family member.

I don't think most families would expect parents to not see their child for a fitness class. 🤷‍♀️

If you want the flex you need to hire outside the family.

To be honest collecting a child and having them until 9pm is not a reasonable thing to spring on the relative unless it's for an absolute emergency which the exercise class is not.

The relative doesn't have to collect your child if you don't want them too. Getting alternative childcare seems the most sensible plan all round.

I'd sort your own paid-for childcare

I would just book a babysitter for this.

As the relative wants to see the child, I'd just invite them over when you're there anyway. Then it doesn't matter if they change their mind.

They're being unhelpful and obtuse.
I'd arrange childcare independent of them. You have a life, you can't be expected to juggle things around when they feel they can be arsed to see your child.

you’re almost trying to make it sound like you’re doing them a favour by allowing them time with your daughter. When it’s the other way around. They’re doing you the favour.

You can’t really expect a relative to flex their schedule and favour around your exercise class, can you?

Sounds like you need to actually hire someone if you require them to work around you.

So you want to be flexible with your class but expect her to match it as it suits you? Are you paying them for your childcare? Think you might just need to miss your class or find a formal arrangement, although doubt you will be able to find any for 9pm handover.

They’re the ones doing the OP a favour.

OP absolutely can be expected to juggle her life around HER child as it is HER child.

I agree with PP. help with childcare from family normally allows you to work, not regularly have a social life. You need to pay someone else.

Just get a paid babysitter. Your relative is doing you a HUGE favour even picking up one day a fortnight. It’s unreasonable to expect them to pick up and have your child until 9pm at night!

I think that you have to look at it as two separate issues. Pay for a babysitter to cover your exercise class and arrange a different time for the relative to see your child. If your relative complains, just be factual - you any to use that time to exercise so you're now paying for care, and the relative will have to see your child at a different time.

Yanbu to want on tap super flexible free childcare so you can do your hobbies. Don't we all!

But in the real world, most of us don't have that and yabu to expect it.

Lol. That's pot calling the kettle!

Yes of course, juggle around her child but not her relatives too. They agreed on weekly pickups and then changed to every fortnight.

If a family member who is working and has a young child said, 'I want to do a pilates class, could you watch the child for me once a week, seeing as you want to see the child in this time slot anyway?" it's weird to disagree to this.

I think you're being very entitled.

You weren't left scrambling for cover with 12 hours notice. It's an exercise class, not a job. You had to face the possibility that you might not be able to go because the favour had been withdrawn.

They are U to change agreed plans last minute. Yabu to expect them to stay until 9pm so you can go to an exercise class. You don't have to stick to their arrangement becuase they want to spend time with your child, arrange childcare that suits you.

I think you need to lower your expectations and appreciate the favour. Your priorities seem a little off expecting them to look after your child for you to attend a late exercise class!!!

Bed times are hardest. 9pm is late to be getting home. They gave an inch and you ran the full mile to your exercise class.

This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week.

You weren't actually scrambling though, you and your partner are free at the time, you could easily just take turns to pick up on the alternate week. Hardly the end of the world to miss 1 class in 3.

This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm

You expect someone to have your toddler until 9pm because you don't want to sacrifice a gym class even when you are also working late? Surely your toddler will want to be home in bed??

You need to prioritise your child over an exercise class. Why can't you and your dh do a class on different days?

There's a massive difference between picking child up at 5 from nursery, playing for an hour and then going.

And doing that, then dinner, bath and bed until 9pm.

Obviously relative is finding doing it every week is too much, hence fortnightly.

An exercise class is entirely optional, unlike work, so you can just not do it

YANBU - book the baby sitter.

it’s awkward but when someone agrees to do childcare for you as a favour then you have to politely confirm that it can’t be cancelled unless illness or they go on holiday etc as you are relying on it, and if they’re not prepared to make that commitment then you will use other childcare.
It sounds like your relative just wants to spend time with you child and not provide regular committed child care.

My mum wanted to provide childcare for our child part time and I was so grateful but said that if she had any doubts she wouldn’t be able to commit we would make alternative arrangements.