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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want some flex from family on childcare

260 replies

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 08:27

We agreed with a relative that she would do pickups for my toddler at a new nursery one day a week. We had been using that evening to do a sports class each week. Relative announced 2 weeks ago that she would only pick up one day a fortnight (instead of each week) with very little notice or warning. This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week. This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm (exceptionally). Relative went ballistic saying she is only doing pickup at 5 and then we have to come straight home from work. End result, we've cancelled the class and we're doing pickup. The thing is, relative insists they have to do the pickup anyway because they want time with our daughter - but only on their terms. AIBU to think about booking a babysitter who can just cover the hours we need?

OP posts:
Sumtimesiamgreen · 10/10/2023 19:58

Honestly one of the most entitled posts I’ve read on here. Why would someone lol after your child until 9pm! So you can exercise. Get your dc home and to bed.

MistyMooPup · 10/10/2023 20:11

We have a flex set up with GPs in that they do one day a week but if they can’t ever do it they let me know and I’ve got to get alternative care. I don’t expect to dictate their lives and I’m grateful for the help when I get it.

Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 20:15

That's not correct! Please read the post again.

OP posts:
Sennelier1 · 10/10/2023 20:28

Big difference between regular pick-up from daycare (five'ish) and what you want, being handover at 9 p.m. ! Family member is probably expecting you to pick up your child around 7, after your working day, not after doing gym-class as well! Are you serious? 9 p.m. to get your baby home and in bed? You need a nanny, not a helping hand from your family. Make that a well-paid nanny if she has to work with your chosen hours.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 10/10/2023 20:30

Comparing how much help other families get from relatives is a waste of time. Some will have parents who live next door, some will have no living healthy parents. Foster good relationships between your children and their grandparents for as long as you can.

Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 20:33

That's just incorrect. We've agreed an arrangement with the relative on a go forward basis and all is fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 20:34

Thanks for the comment - it's normally earlier, this was a one off scenario. All resolved now.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 10/10/2023 20:37

Hire the babysitter and your relative can see your DC another day.

WowOK · 10/10/2023 20:53

Just get a baby sitter. Don't rely on anyone for childcare. Just because someone wants to spend time with your kid doesn't mean it's going to happen.

Blough · 10/10/2023 20:53

Can you not see your replies, OP? They’re not replying to any post or username.

Canonlythinkofthisone · 10/10/2023 20:55

Reverse. No one is this obtuse

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2023 20:56

I don’t have help from
any family. At any time. No nights off. No days off. I home educate too so I don’t even have that time off!!!

these posts always make me go….:.god they don’t know how lucky they are to have that once a fortnight!

arintingly · 10/10/2023 21:02

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 18:30

I don't think it is a luxury TBH. It's 1 hour, once a fortnight. We do it together as it cuts down the time we are away from our child.

Edited

Can you explain this a bit?

How is it less time away from your child than you both doing the class separately? Surely that would mean the child was with one of you at all times?

I mean it's fine to have some time away from your child, I just don't understand what you're saying here?

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2023 21:03

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 18:34

We normally do an earlier class but for work reasons I was proposing to do a later class this week as a one off. Honestly, I think the replies on this threat have been a bit extreme. Lots of parent friends I know get regular help from family, we are on the (much) lower end of the spectrum at once a fortnight help for 3 hours.

The replies aren’t extreme

if 80% of the replies are the same, then they aren’t extreme. They’re what everyone thinks

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2023 21:04

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 18:37

Thank you, I think if you read the original post you will see that we would like to pay for a babysitter as the solution, but just worried this will offend the relative.

No. Do it. It won’t offend them as they’ve already withdrawn their help. Not sure why you’d think it would offend doing exactly what they’ve asked you to do?

YourNameGoesHere · 10/10/2023 21:04

arintingly · 10/10/2023 21:02

Can you explain this a bit?

How is it less time away from your child than you both doing the class separately? Surely that would mean the child was with one of you at all times?

I mean it's fine to have some time away from your child, I just don't understand what you're saying here?

Show quote history

I asked this earlier and never got a response. It doesn't make any sense at all does it?

Surely doing the class separately means spending less time away from the child. I didn't understand the flawed logic behind the comment either.

Cerealkiller4U · 10/10/2023 21:05

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 18:50

Update: In the end, we did cancel the exercise class, at a cost to us, and our relative is upset as they haven't got to see our child - and our child is disappointed as she thought she was going to see her beloved relative. So it ended up being a lose lose lose this week unfortunately. We're hopeful we've negotiated a new arrangement that works for us all going forward, and I've found a childminder who is willing to be a backup just in case this situation arises again.

Thanks for those that posted constructive comments with possible solutions. To those that posted nasty or judgmental comments - I think you let yourselves and perhaps the Mumsnet forum down.

😂😂😂😂.

of course this happened…..

IfYouDontAsk · 10/10/2023 21:08

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 20:34

Thanks for the comment - it's normally earlier, this was a one off scenario. All resolved now.

OP you need to tap the three dots and then “quote” to reply to specific posters. When you just hit ‘reply’ you’re just adding posts to the thread and we have no idea who you’re responding to.

jellybeanathome · 10/10/2023 21:10

Goodness you've had a ride here OP! Glad you've sorted a solution! I just wanted to drop in to say that I think a lot of the comments on here have been overly harsh; people don’t know what sort of arrangement you had with the relative and what your relationship is with them normally.

On the surface, I think it's a bit crap of them to say they'd do pick up every week and then refuse with short notice - family shouldn't treat each other like that and you can be grateful to them but still expect a certain amount of consistency.

I think the 9pm thing was a bit cheeky, but then again it depends on your relationship. My mum wouldn't hesitate to agree to this as a one off favour, even on top of the pick up you've already described. I'd just order her a pizza to mine and she'd do DC's bedtime!

Anyway, I digress. Hopefully your new plan works and all is well going forward.

ColleenDonaghy · 10/10/2023 21:10

YourNameGoesHere · 10/10/2023 21:04

I asked this earlier and never got a response. It doesn't make any sense at all does it?

Surely doing the class separately means spending less time away from the child. I didn't understand the flawed logic behind the comment either.

Show quote history

Exactly. Fair enough if you want to do something together away from work and DC, but it's a luxury most working parents don't get on a weekly or fortnightly basis.

If you go separately you each get your workout and there's no childcare issues. That's what most couples do.

Danaeofathens · 10/10/2023 21:12

That’s ridiculous- she shouldn’t go to one exercise class per week?! Of course it’s important for parents to practice self care when they can - it makes for better, more relaxed parents and they can then be role models for their children.

Fummymummy · 10/10/2023 21:13

I don't think you're unreasonable. I think you're actually amazing for prioritising your health and fitness, I honestly wish I had the opportunity to do the same. You have a relative who wanted to see DC, so arranged to do your class when she came, and she agreed to it weekly.
She was the one that then decided she didn't want to commit to that anymore and just wanted to do fortnightly, which I think is fine - maybe she felt it was too much after seeing how it went.
So then it's not unreasonable to get a babysitter so you can continue with your class - she will just have to come another time or see the child when babysitter is there and leave them with the sitter at the time she wants to go.

I don't agree it's normal to have regular help, plenty of people don't (including us) and if we did have, it would 100% be for us to work or for a school pick up rather than social or leisure. Once a fortnight would be a huge amount for us.
But, if you've got that available then absolutely, 100% use it and why on earth should you not use it for a class? I hate doing home workouts, the only thing I ever enjoyed pre kids was gym classes, with exercise I am a much better, less moody, more chilled out parent and a way better mum. That to me is worth more than the hour I've given up with my child. Keep doing what you're doing, I hope the new arrangement works out, and ignore the abuse.

I just think a lot of people struggle without help so anyone with an issue with free childcare gets inevitably flamed.

jannier · 10/10/2023 21:13

So your expecting them to be at your until 9 so home later or keep lo up to after 9 at theirs so you can keep fit....seriously take up excercise at home, buggy fit or take turns with partner to do classes.

Fummymummy · 10/10/2023 21:14

EXACTLY this

YourNameGoesHere · 10/10/2023 21:15

Danaeofathens · 10/10/2023 21:12

That’s ridiculous- she shouldn’t go to one exercise class per week?! Of course it’s important for parents to practice self care when they can - it makes for better, more relaxed parents and they can then be role models for their children.

She could go to the class though, nothing was stopping either parent going but they wanted to go together not separately which is what most couples with a small child would do so they each got time to exercise and to spend time with their child whom they had not seen all day.