To want some flex from family on childcare

[poppyseeds99]

We agreed with a relative that she would do pickups for my toddler at a new nursery one day a week. We had been using that evening to do a sports class each week. Relative announced 2 weeks ago that she would only pick up one day a fortnight (instead of each week) with very little notice or warning. This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week. This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm (exceptionally). Relative went ballistic saying she is only doing pickup at 5 and then we have to come straight home from work. End result, we've cancelled the class and we're doing pickup. The thing is, relative insists they have to do the pickup anyway because they want time with our daughter - but only on their terms. AIBU to think about booking a babysitter who can just cover the hours we need?

It is a hobby though. If you didn’t have anyone to enable you to exercise away from your child you would survive. If you don’t have a job, you can’t pay your bills or provide for your family. It’s not a necessity.

It may be important to you, something you enjoy that makes you feel better. The world would not stop turning if you didn’t exercise and you would survive without it.

You are also proving my point that those who exercise regularly think it’s a necessity. Also, I’m sure your child wouldn’t care if you didn’t exercise.

I don’t think that’s a US vs UK thing. I think that a retirement vs employment thing.

Don't be ridiculous. It's a hobby. I am sure loads of parents would love a member of family to let them go do their non essential hobby at 9pm at night but they keep free childcare for you know work and emergencies etc, if you are paying someone to mind your kids while you go do your hobby...that is a different kettle of fish.

Oh definitely this. It won't be popular but it's true. I'm a runner (a common-garden 9 minute mile park-run type ) but purchased a treadmill because I can't take children with me either on a run or to the gym - plus I actually like my family and want to be around them. Now I fit in short runs where I can find the time. Keeps my end in, as they say. We do lots of other exercise together, so anyone using the 'it's valid time away because it's exercise ' excuse is kidding themselves.

There are a few people I know who like to brag about their marathon and ultra-marathon achievements over the year. I'm there thinking HOW? How do you get the training in, with family and job? Something has to be being neglected, well to my way of thinking. And you are right, they are so rigid about it, expecting everyone to make allowances for their running schedule as if it was a disability or serious illness. They are not Tigst Assefa, looking to break world records, win medals and make money from running. Getting a PB sub-3hr time in a 'small town' marathon, doesn't actually matter a jot, not really, not enough to justify making entitled demands, dumping on people and missing out on family life.

Nice to hear from someone who is a runner but also knows it’s not the end of the world to not exercise.
Agree about something getting neglected. How do you tell your child you chose not to see them that day because you wanted to go to a gym class? How can you even be happy missing them? And knowing how difficult toddlers can be at bedtime how can you allow someone to go through all that hassle so you can exercise. Go when the child is in bed. Go separately so you don’t need childcare.
Also, if my husband told me he was going straight to the gym from work and would miss bedtime I’d be saying absolutely not. Yeah ok, I’ll struggle while you’re on the treadmill enjoying yourself 😂 shut up 🤦‍♀️😂

People rely too much nowadays on relatives to help with childcare. I was a full time mum to triplets and never expected any help from family members I was always there to pick them up from school etc. your choice to have kids!

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

Yes, all those perhaps's are valid. Of course the OP is absolutely fine to ask about that arrangement.

But she was unreasonable to accept a no when it was given to her.

@Guccigirl123 few people have the luxury of being a full time mum. You are blessed.

@Guccigirl123 PS no one who has to work or ask for help is less of a mum! Just don’t have the privilege.

I am honestly shocked at these replies OP! The idea that we should never leave our children for an hour is just ridiculous! I personally ENJOY having time away from my DC and don’t think that makes me an awful person! Mumsnet posters always seem angry when parents use childcare for anything other than work/appointments and I just cannot see why. Happy parents = happy children. If you can afford it/family offers it, then grab the help with both hands! Having children is not supposed to be some sort of prison !! How lovely for you and partner to go to a fitness class together! Good for you. And DC gets to spend time with family member too, win win. So many people seem to have missed that the 9pm was a one off. Can’t see it being a big issue, DC is young and won’t struggle at school the next day etc. obviously your relative has the right to say no to the 9pm though but my mum or dad wouldn’t mind doing that for me occasionally. Your relative also has the right to change to a fortnightly arrangement but I’d be really annoyed if they didn’t give me a couple of weeks notice! You’re allowed time away from your children. Ignore the angry replies and enjoy your class. Hope you find a good babysitter for the alternate weeks xx

Thank you appreciate the well wishes! Yes I was a bit too.

That's a nice idea, I don't have the space/cash to buy a running machine though. I do do classes online occasionally when my little one has gone to bed but find it quite hard to stay motivated! I would find it hard to do runs at home too because I like to be 100% focused on my little one when we're together. Different horses for different courses...

Lol sorry but you’re expecting far too much. I’d be happy with someone picking my child up every fortnight let alone expecting them to look after said child until 9pm!! That’s far too late.

I assume a lot of it is petty jealousy. Much of the rest is the fact that some posters live on their false sense of self-righteous indignation.

If I can't do it, neither can you.

I don't want to exercise, so neither should you. (IOW--I am overweight, so everyone needs to be overweight like me so I can feel better about myself)

I actually laugh at the snotty little comments because you can't do anything else BUT laugh at their little digs. Little digs from little people. "Plus I actually like my family and want to be around them" makes me wonder how much does the family want to be around them when frankly, few others would want to be with that "holier than thou" attitude.

I also wonder how many have gone out for drinks with their gal pals or to a "hen do"? If they have, they need to keep their opinions to themselves because there are people who think leaving your child at home to go get smashed and act like idiots with other women is frankly, irresponsible. I'd rather someone exercise than to be a lush. But, that's just me.

OP--Sorry you are still getting castigated and receiving denigrating remarks. I am sure you are a great Mum and your DC is happy because you are happy.

YANBU to just book a babysitter that can do the childcare on your terms at the times you need it, it’ll make your life easier and probably a lot more reliable. However I do think YABU to expect a relative to keep your child until 9pm so you can do an exercise class. That’s a lonnnnng time to watch someone else’s child when they will be wanting to have their evening meal and settle down for the night. After all they are doing you the favour and providing free childcare, 6:30pm would be a reasonable time to pick them up, 7pm at the latest, anything after that they might as well just sleep over. The fact you said they went ‘ballistic’ about it though and also can only do every fortnight would just make me want to book a different babysitter so I didn’t have to deal with the unreliability and drama.

Definitely agree with this.

So many judgemental comments. My grandmother loved taking care of us when we were younger, it didn’t matter what my parents were doing at the time. Many other cultures have a ‘village’ that help look after children. Why is it in the UK we have to martyr ourselves as parents, unable even to take a break to do some exercise? It’s so weird!

Also, so many comments about the awful ‘9pm pickup’. My daughter is 2.5 and doesn’t go to bed til 9.30pm (is a low sleep needs child) - I’m sure many others are the same.

You seem to do a lot of childcare and are happy to do it, so good for you. The point is that OP‘s relative does not want to do that, and that is fine too. It’s one thing to use paid childcare to “take a break to do some exercise” - entirely another to expect an unwilling relative to take on the childcare. Not everyone feels the way you do about providing childcare on tap (clearly).

Sorry, I replied to the wrong poster! Meant for @Nanaof1

Absolutely spot on. That comment from someone about ‘actually liking my family’ is so mean, the idea that i don’t like my DC because I want an hour/day away from them to do something for myself? It’s ludicrous. You’re right that is jealousy. Ideally everyone would be able to get help and support from family and friends. I would certainly make a point of helping out any mums (my DC is a baby so haven’t met many yet!) if I hear they’re parenting without outside help. It takes a village. In ancient times we’d all be living in a tribe and looking after/breastfeeding one another’s children all the time!!! It’s natural (and healthy) for humans to share the load with children.

@Sundownmemories

you are wrong

exercise IS essential and necessary

it is not a hobby

it’s needed for health and weight management, it’s good for mental health too. Lots of things. It’s not just the selfish, self indulgent waste of time some people here think it is.

I agree that it's not reasonable to criticise the OP for wanting to exercise or for having some time away from her child.

Where I think she gets into CF territory is when something goes awry - I.e. late work meeting - her first instinct is to ask the family member (clearly MIL!) to inconvenience herself by staying later rather than inconveniencing herself by doing the class separately or just cancelling it. And then she compounds it by not taking it with a good grace when the MIL says no.

I think it's lovely when family members are able and willing to help out but parents always need to remember that the child is their responsibility and other people helping out is a favour not a right

@Nanaof1

I also wonder how many have gone out for drinks with their gal pals or to a "hen do"? If they have, they need to keep their opinions to themselves because there are people who think leaving your child at home to go get smashed and act like idiots with other women is frankly, irresponsible. I'd rather someone exercise than to be a lush. But, that's just me.”

WTF?! Going on a hen do does not make someone a lush FFS!

Exercise is the reason I don’t have to take pharmaceutical DRUGS to treat my mental health condition (still a struggle).

Exercise is the reason I keep my depression and anxiety (and eating disorder recovery) at a reasonable level to cope with.

Exercise is the reason I keep my back and joint problems at bay (WFH desk job).

Exercise is the reason my weight is reasonable - I gain weight easily due to WFH if I don’t exercise.

I would be a mess without exercise and a grumpy, lard arse mum. Fact.

If you don’t think it’s essential then congrats you can clearly live without it but A LOT of people can’t. Maybe you should try it it might lighten you up instead of being so judgemental.

(Obviously I agree exercise is not the cure for every mental health condition and there is nothing wrong with medication.)

At the end of the day, it’s fine to ask for someone to do childcare for exercise as long as both parties agree the times and stick to the agreement. It’s not a sin.

I wouldn't be happy about suddenly being asked to have someone else's child til 9pm. If you have a meeting, you miss your class.

If you want to do the class regularly, you find a regular babysitter for that night. If your relative wants to have time with your child, and you want your child to have that too, then every other week on a different day (unless you can find a baby sitter happy with a fortnightly arrangement) should work fine