To want some flex from family on childcare

[poppyseeds99]

We agreed with a relative that she would do pickups for my toddler at a new nursery one day a week. We had been using that evening to do a sports class each week. Relative announced 2 weeks ago that she would only pick up one day a fortnight (instead of each week) with very little notice or warning. This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week. This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm (exceptionally). Relative went ballistic saying she is only doing pickup at 5 and then we have to come straight home from work. End result, we've cancelled the class and we're doing pickup. The thing is, relative insists they have to do the pickup anyway because they want time with our daughter - but only on their terms. AIBU to think about booking a babysitter who can just cover the hours we need?

Maybe the relative offered to do the pick up to support your and dps need to work, and actually wouldn't have offered if it wad to enable you both to attend a fitness class. Take turns doing the class while the other one has the child.

Why couldn't your partner do the normal class and pick up child at agreed time and you go to the late one? Seeing molehills and mountains here

I think they ABU. It's outrageous. Do they work?

9 is quite late - can they pick them up then later in the evening have a babysitter fir the class.

You need to ask first before you make big changes. So “hey Mary I’d like to do a sports activity that will finish up at 9pm and collect little Kimmy from you after that this week. Is that ok?” If no, don’t book the sports activity.

Or just arrange child care

There is two parts to this.

The relative was unreasonable to only give you 12 hours notice that she was only going to do the pick-up fortnightly, not weekly as agreed.

But when they arranged to do the pick-up, did they know you would be going to an exercise class afterwards? Was this part of the agreement? Or were they expecting you to come straight back from work? If they thought you were coming straight home after work, then I can see that they might feel a bit taken advantage of.

I also don't think it's unreasonable to ASK if a late pick up is ok, but you shouldn't have booked it without asking. That was unreasonable on your part.

It sounds to me like they are happy to do pick up to help you out at work, but feel they are being taken advantage of, because you keep trying to stretch their generosity.

Voted YANBU but that's only for the part where you asked about booking childcare

You are absolutely BU to expect a relative to pander to your whims regarding childcare for your child

Normally if someone is doing you a favour you should fit in around them and not ask them to adjust for your benefit, but as they are ‘insisting’ that they must do this to see the child they should be more flexible. I would agree YANBU and go ahead and book flexible childcare that works for you.

The obvious answer is to not go to the exercise class together.

Your relative does normal pick up, you say thank you, nicely, you make your own arrangements for evening babysitting if you must attend the class with your partner.

The best thing I ever did as a single parent was get good, reliable childcare that I paid for. That way you never get let down or judged, and you can suit yourself.

My family never helped out, I used to be jealous of people who had good family support and I got quite bitter about it, then judgemental and then I martyred myself. Once I'd got over myself I realised that actually it was just easier and far less stressful to pay someone and not rely on other people's goodwill

I agree, you need to do separate sports classes or book a babysitter.

Making alternative pick up arrangements would be pragmatic, the relative can return to being Nonna or Auntie or whatever without having childcare duties.

YABU

This person is helping with you out. They don’t have to do it at all but it saves you money.

They can’t be expected to enable your exercise class together, it’s just to allow you both to work.

YANBU to get paid childcare to meet your needs. YABU to expect a relative to put themselves out so you can go to a class.

Do Apple fitness at home. Buy your own weights. Do it when kid in bed.

Yanbu it’s lovely when family help with childcare but this relative isn’t making it easy so I’d definitely go book a childminder etc.

its the assumption of right that I cannot get over! relative, whoever she is, does not have the "right" to see your child! can you not just evercise in your home once child is in bed? alternatively there are many childminders who will collect children from nursery and take them to their home till you collect.

Sarcasm?

That's too late for a toddler.....you are being very selfish

You wanted to pick your child up at 9pm?!

And then how would you get them to bed?

Ridiculous.

And yeah pay for a baby-sitter

Gym classes are not urgent.

If you want free childcare, you have to fit in with them - not the other way around.

@poppyseeds99 yabu and a massive entitled cheeky fucker.

Nursery pickup to 9pm is a huge ask for any reason, kids are cranky and tired, it's not quality time just a bit of an ordeal to get everything done and get them in bed. To expect that for a hobby is way too much. Lovely if someone wants to volunteer, but they don't and I can't say I blame them.

Book something else and relative can see the child when it suits you