Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want some flex from family on childcare

260 replies

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 08:27

We agreed with a relative that she would do pickups for my toddler at a new nursery one day a week. We had been using that evening to do a sports class each week. Relative announced 2 weeks ago that she would only pick up one day a fortnight (instead of each week) with very little notice or warning. This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week. This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm (exceptionally). Relative went ballistic saying she is only doing pickup at 5 and then we have to come straight home from work. End result, we've cancelled the class and we're doing pickup. The thing is, relative insists they have to do the pickup anyway because they want time with our daughter - but only on their terms. AIBU to think about booking a babysitter who can just cover the hours we need?

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 18:40

Thank you, this is along the lines we are thinking.

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 10/10/2023 18:48

They were a bit unreasonable for leaving you in the lurch if it was pre arranged But no one owes you regular child card so you can do a hobby. It’s nice if they will but can’t be expected

jumpfh · 10/10/2023 18:48

Why couldn't you pick your child up straight after your work meeting? Why can't you and your partner go to separate classes?

Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 18:50

Update: In the end, we did cancel the exercise class, at a cost to us, and our relative is upset as they haven't got to see our child - and our child is disappointed as she thought she was going to see her beloved relative. So it ended up being a lose lose lose this week unfortunately. We're hopeful we've negotiated a new arrangement that works for us all going forward, and I've found a childminder who is willing to be a backup just in case this situation arises again.

Thanks for those that posted constructive comments with possible solutions. To those that posted nasty or judgmental comments - I think you let yourselves and perhaps the Mumsnet forum down.

OP posts:
AhNowTed · 10/10/2023 18:52

Once you rely on family free childcare, there is little "flex".

And certainly not till 9PM, so you can do a hobby.

Honestly OP, this is ridiculous and frankly your lack of gratitude (to the point you need to ask a forum if your free family member is unreasonably limited their time)... I'd be off.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/10/2023 18:53

Asking a relative to help with childcare so you can work is different to asking them to help with childcare so you can do leisure activities.

Asking them to do homework, teatime and bedtime is a different ask that occupying them for a couple of hours after school.

Ultimately no one is obliged to have your dc at all. Be grateful for what they do.

Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 18:54

Yes that sounds really similar- thanks for your post and sharing your experience.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 10/10/2023 19:01

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 18:50

Update: In the end, we did cancel the exercise class, at a cost to us, and our relative is upset as they haven't got to see our child - and our child is disappointed as she thought she was going to see her beloved relative. So it ended up being a lose lose lose this week unfortunately. We're hopeful we've negotiated a new arrangement that works for us all going forward, and I've found a childminder who is willing to be a backup just in case this situation arises again.

Thanks for those that posted constructive comments with possible solutions. To those that posted nasty or judgmental comments - I think you let yourselves and perhaps the Mumsnet forum down.

Of course it was at cost to you. You booked it without even asking the relative if they were happy to have your child so late at night.

Cabbagey · 10/10/2023 19:04

I think you let yourselves and perhaps the Mumsnet forum down.

I love this sentiment. I'm going to use it liberally.

Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 19:08

Thanks, what a helpful and kind response....

OP posts:
jumpfh · 10/10/2023 19:09

And your "you've let yourself and the mumsnet forum down" was passive aggressive so I think you walked yourself into that.

Clariee45 · 10/10/2023 19:11

Just get a babysitter

Hufflepods · 10/10/2023 19:12

Update: In the end, we did cancel the exercise class, at a cost to us, and our relative is upset as they haven't got to see our child - and our child is disappointed as she thought she was going to see her beloved relative.

So because your relative, probably DM or MIL wouldn’t put in a double shift until 9 you’ve thrown your dummy out of the pram and told them not to pick your daughter up at all if you can’t go to the exercise class, even though you needed to work later anyway!
Mature.

echinaceadreams · 10/10/2023 19:14

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 18:50

Update: In the end, we did cancel the exercise class, at a cost to us, and our relative is upset as they haven't got to see our child - and our child is disappointed as she thought she was going to see her beloved relative. So it ended up being a lose lose lose this week unfortunately. We're hopeful we've negotiated a new arrangement that works for us all going forward, and I've found a childminder who is willing to be a backup just in case this situation arises again.

Thanks for those that posted constructive comments with possible solutions. To those that posted nasty or judgmental comments - I think you let yourselves and perhaps the Mumsnet forum down.

Don't care that it's at cost to you. So what. Your child comes first.

echinaceadreams · 10/10/2023 19:14

excelledyourself · 10/10/2023 19:01

Of course it was at cost to you. You booked it without even asking the relative if they were happy to have your child so late at night.

Show quote history

Exactly.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 10/10/2023 19:17

You seem to be asking 2 different AIBUs….

yabu to want the relative to be flexible. Yanbu to book a babysitter.

Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 19:22

Thanks - I agree, had a light bulb moment with that solution earlier. Next time!!

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 19:25

At home, they'd be in bed!!!

OP posts:
Coffeeandcrocs · 10/10/2023 19:25

You and DH need to do classes on a different day. Problem solved!

Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 19:29

You are jumping to conclusions here! We all agreed on this change of plans for various reasons, and we've all happily reached a sensible way forward and have a good plan on a go forward basis.

OP posts:
Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 19:32

Thanks - I think we can certainly agree on those priorities!!

OP posts:
Cabbagey · 10/10/2023 19:39

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 19:08

Thanks, what a helpful and kind response....

Well, you didn't actually post asking for help and comfort, you posted asking if people thought you were being unreasonable. Then when people said that yes you were being unreasonable, you scolded them like a comical cartoon headmaster.

direbollockal · 10/10/2023 19:40

So because the relative wouldn't dance to your tune, s/he now can't see your child at all. Nicely done, OP.

Hufflepods · 10/10/2023 19:48

@poppyseeds99 You are jumping to conclusions here! We all agreed on this change of plans for various reasons, and we've all happily reached a sensible way forward and have a good plan on a go forward basis.

No need to jump to conclusions, you’re the one stating you didn’t let the relative see DC at all now and they and DC were both disappointed. Seems odd considering you needed to work late anyway.

ScattyGinger · 10/10/2023 19:54

A school pick up to 9pm seems a bit of a cheeky ask. 😆 We've always come straight home from work and just been incredibly grateful we have family to help. Any help given when they can is appreciated.